Hanging with the Furries.

First things first. I would like to thank Baby Jesus for there being magically enough orange marmalade in our marmalade jar this afternoon for captain crazypants who just HAD to have a peanut butter and orange sandwich cut into two sandwiches today. I was worried his sandwich would be a sand *wish, making me the sand*witch putting us both in the sand*ditch.

He also wanted a no bake cookie, but no dice. He’ll have enough sweets this weekend. Yes folks, this weekend I am going to the place where surely I will bury my young hipness for good. I am taking the captain to Sesame Place. There will be frolicking with furries. (not THAT kind of furries!!) However, I am going to PRETEND that they’re THAT kind of furry and only give them sideways glances all day. I’M ONTO YOU, GROVER!!

Right now, I am planning healthy road trip snacks!! Yesterday, I picked up one of these!! A Nordic Ware microwave popcorn popper and some kernels. I am not a fan of the bags of popcorn because they are full of additives and crap I don’t want on my snacks!!! Especially if I am feeding it to the three year old. All you need is a tiny bit of EVOO and a little salt. MMMMMMM.

The verdict is delicious. I’m in trouble though. He had pb on whole grain, broccoli, and popcorn for lunch. Anyone want a 3 year old for the night?


Groupon’s Gone to Crap

Every morning, I anxiously await my email from Groupon and LivingSocial and Scoutmob. Generally a good deal, and often, a good time. Today was a real winner. Today, I woke up and saw THIS.

What.The.Fridge.(you can’t say “fudge” here, as it would be too gross)

You, yes YOU, can get a thorough pipe scrubbing at a super deal discount, here in Brooklyn. This is but a mere two weeks after they offered LIPO for less than an arm and a leg, but they will do your thighs! Does Groupon only know how to just suck ass?

Speaking of sucking, yesterday was my crosstraining day. I was on the elliptical (with the October issue of “Self,” Love that Jennifer Hudson!!) and I just couldn’t muster a heart rate <125 BPM. Seriously, I can’t be the only runner who just doesn’t feel like the elliptical is a good workout. I felt so blech! I was actually JEALOUS of the hip hop class full of old, white women. THEY looked to be working hard!! I felt like I was tiptoe-ing on the delicate petals of friggen Thumbelina’s flowers! I was at 10 incline and 13 resistance!!! Fiddlesticks.

After working out like a fairy princess, I went with Captain CrazyPants (aka, Elijah) to scour the aisles of TJ Maxx for some cool serving/microwavable serving bowls for things like soup, salad, moonshine, and I came across some really super gems in the decor department. Gems that will haunt my nightmares for weeks to come.

What the heck. It’s like the Phantom and “Thing” had a creepy statue baby.

Who is this? The Jack Frost of Halloween? Is he going to turn me into a pumpkin? Is he going to make it rain pepitas?

Do you ever shop at TJ Maxx/Marshall’s/Home Goods?

-I kinda love them. A lot.

Who is creepier? Jack Pumpkin or Jack Frost?

-I can’t choose. They’re both bad.

The Jets Under My Jammies.

Every mom can run a marathon. Of this I am convinced. You may not want to, you may not think you have the time, but trust me, you can do it.

Every day of my life is part marathon. Eat breakfast, go to the park, to Target; lunch, to the pediatrician, craft time, park again; dinner, bath time, movies, snack time, bed.

All while I am doing this, I am keeping the three year old from coloring on his sister, nursing the four month old, finding the marker caps, cleaning the kitchen, cooking dinner, finding the three year old’s pants AGAIN, grabbing coffee, putting the four month old down for a nap, turning on “Curious George.” Even keeping said three year old from removing every.single.tag. off of the leggings and tee shirts we have in our cart at Target. (Did I mention I may have a tiny headache today?)

Elijah said that it was going to rain inside. For a moment, I searched the house for a hose. He’s just that clever.

By the way, Elijah would like to remind everyone that he is now THREE AND A HALF, and therefore older and wiser than a plain old three year old. I am almost 28 and a half and kind of hate it. When do you go from being “YAY!!!” to “How in the hell did I miss the last 6 months?”

Back to running. If you can give birth, or even just be up.all.night. with a colicky baby, or one with a cold, or one that hates vaccines, you can run 26.2 mi. Sure it’s hard. There are certainly times I want to cry out for mercy. Guess what though? It’s easier than natural childbirth. (loads easier. loads and loads easier. Like your multiplication tables vs trigonometry.)

On a completely unrelated note, I have found a new and fun way to support my husband’s beloved NY Jets, and it’s hysterical.

J-E-T-S!!! V-P-L!!! (I would say something else, but my mom reads this blog)

Nothing says “I love my wide receiver” like their team plastered across your ass. I would LOVE these decorated in a theme of  my much loved Cleveland Browns. Although, when I lived in Ohio, I was as big as a wide receiver. This is much cuter, and requires much less fabric.

Do you think team undies are weird or fun?

-clearly fun

If you saw my kid taking off all of the tags would you think I trained him to be a scam artist?

-I’m really not that slick


Screw the FDA

I’m pissed. I try to keep it light and funny here, but I’m pissed.

AGAIN, there is ANOTHER recall of fruit due to a bacteria. This time it’s listeria. Listeria is a scary bacteria that in the healthy population is mostly unnoticed as anything other than a little stomach bug. However, in a baby or pregnant woman, or the in firmed or elderly, it can be deadly. The incubation period is often long and symptoms often missed.

I am especially mad because my son had cantaloupe in his fruit salad yesterday and I am now wondering if it was with contaminated cantaloupe. I am waiting until the restaurant opens to call them and find out where they got their cantaloupe. In case you were wondering, it was sold by Jensen Farms/Frontera/Rocky Ford.

This all comes one day after Dr Oz discussed the vast presence of ARSENIC IN OUR APPLE JUICE and various other products sweetened with apple juice.

Currently, some in our government are looking to strip the FDA and EPA down to almost nothing claiming job creation. F that. Hire more FDA and EPA workers. Make THOSE JOBS. Because clearly, you don’t give a shit about killing kids or coal mine workers. Your wallet is getting fatter though, so I guess other people don’t matter. You.Make.Me.Sick.

Sorry to get political. I am just so mad that my blood is boiling.

I Can Totally Kick Brigitte Nielson’s Arse.

Why is there no workout class based on “Rocky”? For real. There’s BodyPump and Barre Method, TRX and Pole Dancing, KettleBells and friggen TRAPEZE classes, but no “Rocky” classes? That tiny little Italian worked his ass off in the movies. (Plus, can I geek out and mention the original film had the perfect 120 pg 120 minute script!?! ) He went from kicking meat’s ass in the freezers in “Rocky 1″ to hiking through the snow covered barren wilderness of Russia in “Rocky 4.” We won’t mention “Rocky 5″ it was total crap. (His protege would NOT turn on him like that!! Rocky would double train double quick and kick his ass.)

Anyways, back to “Rocky 4.” First of all, it’s really NOT warm in Russia, and yet, somehow, that guy in the shiny stars and stripes underpants warmed the hearts of a nation. But not before warming up all of the old fast twitch muscles by doing some SERIOUS FRIGGEN PLYOMETRICS and lifting some crazy weights. (Hello, my whole training crew plus my wife on a horse cart!!!) If I can’t get the class at the gym, imma hafta make it myself.

Now, all I need is a 6’5″ blond Russian like Brigitte Nielsen before becoming a crackhead hot mess to challenge me to a grudge match title fight in a currently communist nation, a very small trainer, and perhaps my sister in law to be a slight degenerate who will give me warm words of encouragement before I nearly kill myself. (world’s longest run-on ever!!!) Great. Check.

Or maybe I’ll just stick to BodyPump.