if the mom in your life is a bookwhore who lusts for magneto and likes beer and coffee.

Last night I had really good intentions to get a bunch of work done, perhaps get a pedicure, maybe figure out a way to deport Dennis Rodman to N Korea permanently.  You know, your basic Thursday night. I should have tested recipes last. Here’s the thing, when you are testing recipes, you typically make several incarnations of each recipe before you take pictures and blog it. With me so far? Well, last night I was testing a new cocktail recipe for the blog. Let’s just say that not much work was accomplished after that.

However, the Sunday Sweet for this week is going to be pretty amazing. It will also catch up to you about .5 minutes after you consume it. Therein lies the problem with the really smooth drink, you’re never ready for the hit.

So it seems as though Sunday is Mother’s Day! Lucky for me, I happen to be one.

Every year I get countless emails from companies asking if I would promote their product on my blog as a great Mother’s Day gift. Every year I say no. This year is no different. To be honest, yes, I would really like an ice cream maker, but really, I don’t want a home appliance for Mother’s Day. Not this year.

This is what I really want for Mother’s Day

–I don’t want to cook…that is of course I want to cook, then it’s a mood thing, and you can’t scratch your head about it because, well, I write a food blog, damnit. It’s not rocket science to figure out I may actually enjoy cooking.

–shirtless coffee. Lots of it. Or at least lots of coffee. I really like coffee. Yesterday, I was talking to  department head at a college, and she scuttled off one of her interns to get water, and I think I may have given her a strange look. A look that said, “water, really? We’re academics. We drink coffee, and when we aren’t drinking coffee, we’re drinking tea to be pretentious, or booze because we no longer wish to grade any papers or pretend to care about Proust.”

–lots of time with the little people who made me a mom. Perhaps at a park, with a sushi picnic. I do NOT want to go to brunch on Mother’s Day. I would hate life. I HAAAAATE all those crowds. Do the man and I love Peels on the Bowery or Seersucker or Buttermilk Channel in Bk? Yes. Will I go to any of these places on Mother’s Day? Hell to the no.

captain santa hat

–a nap and time with a book, or seven.

But if you really must get me material things, here’s my list:

Books…lots of em. I want to be able to fall headlong into them, live in their pages, experience their experiences and not come up for air.

Fancy Coffee. Since I’ve been taking my coffee black, I am learning to appreciate the different tastes of each bean. I’m loving a shade grown organic nicaraguan from a local coffee roaster. (serve it shirtless….notice the theme?)

Michael Fassbender, on a platter (that fits on my bed), naked. “X-Men” MB, not “Prometheus” MB. He was too creepy in that. That would be like loving Ewan McGregor, but only Ewan McGregor from “Trainspotting”. Just wrong. I want my MB as a hot, and slightly evil mutant.

Pizza for dinner. I know, I know. Pathetic. Until you realize just how much I effing love pizza. Ok, I’d also be totally ok with a banh mi. Or one of those Vietnamese noodle and lettuce with tofu salads. I also think Michael Fassbender could count as a meal.

Beer. (also could be served shirtless)

A roomba. Seriously. I don’t consider this a home appliance as much as entertainment. I could attach battle flags to it, perhaps an inflatable doll…the possibilities are endless.

A super fancy yoga mat. One of those that is extra spongy, and pretty much does yoga for you.

new running shoes. yeah. I’m sad.

Cemeteries and Dicks

It’s 11:15 pm as I write this post. Why am I writing a post at night instead of in the morning? The Peanut has decided that tonight is a great night for a toddler dance party and cereal eating contest. I’ve decided that Heineken was developed for just such an occasion.

WHY IS SHE STILL AWAKE? This is the babe that is predictably asleep by 8:15 pm every night. Alas, she is ridiculously cuddly and silly, and currently sitting beside me, pretending to type. This is why children are so cute, because if they weren’t, you’d totally make them pull their weight. I can think of at least 4 baby modeling agencies I could totally sell her out to.

Half-Asian Honey Boo Boo who won’t eat pasta? WHERE’S HER CROWN?!!???

I could totally sit in a confessional spewing shit about how my daughter’s attitude and her need for attention. It would certainly have nothing to do with my need for attention, would it? It’s not like I have a blog wherein I mostly talk about myself, is it?!?!

Need I remind you my people come from West Virginia? The land where deer hunting is a high school sport, and biscuits are a condiment. I had family that lived in an actual holler. That is not just something they made up for the movie “Coal Miner’s Daughter”, it’s an actual thing.

Before I spiral into more futility, I will let you go with a charming story about my MawMaw. About 10 years ago, we all attended a family reunion in the Virginia that is West, and on that trip, we stayed in these really posh cabins designed to lure tourists to mountainland. One day, we took my MawMaw to a cemetery to see the graves. Visit old friends? Who knows. We just went. All of us. My huge effing family, stalking a cemetery like some weird emo clan of northerners. So we’re walking around gazing at the stones, occasionally finding one with something awesome on it, like an alter of natty light cans, or bronzed pack of cigarettes.

Well, MawMaw remembered the friends who were buried at this particular place, and they’re  last name was “Dick”. All of a sudden, from across the chasm, my lovely MawMaw yells out “Well, where are the dicks?” My MawMaw birthed and raised several sarcastic assholes who then bred more of the same. Needless to say, the jokes were rich and plentiful, “Have you checked congress?” “Probably covered up” “you’re the one with all the kids, you tell us!”…but she just laughed and kept asking, “Where are the dicks?”

She never found the dicks, but she was, in fact, surrounded by many of her own making.

And now for something completely different.

Salsa. More specific, one of the most delicious salsas ever.

Black Bean and Mango Salsa

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black bean and mango salsa

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: let sit overnight

Keywords: no bake appetizer condiment side snack salad vegetarian

Ingredients (one pint jar)

  • one large beefsteak tomato
  • one champagne mango
  • one half red onion
  • 1 tbsp roasted garlic
  • 1 jalapeno
  • juice of half of one lime
  • 1/2 cup black beans
  • 1/2 cup cilantro
  • salt and pepper

Instructions

chop all ingredients so they’re approximately the same size dice, shredding the cilantro, and seeding the jalapeno

add together in a bowl and let sit overnight.

serve with EVERYTHING

add salt and pepper to taste

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A Bookworm and a Lothario Have a Margarita

Happpppppy Cinco de Mayo! I’m celebrating by avoiding margaritas like.the.plague. because I already ate today’s Sunday Sweet, and I’ll be feeling its effects until approximately Tuesday. Turns out my doc was right, and it is the sugar-gluten combo that makes me pray for death, or at least vampirism. (I’m already pale, what could it hurt? Ok, it may hurt your carotid.)

Before I move on to your Cinco de Mayo themed Sunday Sweet, I wanted to let you scamps know what I’ve been reading this week. I get many emails about the books I read, and I thought I would do a quick round-up!

Ashes of Heroes by Gabriel Archer and Jack Caanan. This book is HIGH fantasy, but completely addictive, but I’ll admit I didn’t even read what it was about before I bought and read it. All that I read was Gabriel Archer’s goodreads bio, and I had to read the highly rated book from an author who would pen this about himself.

Captain Gabriel Archer, IX, Ph. D., Esq. is a world-class lothario. There is a high probability that he slept with your wife or – if you are a beautiful woman – you. Mr. Archer is an expert marksman and can shoot an a amoeba off a fly’s head. He practices law in NYC for fun. He is the first sword of the Empire. He endorses self-reliance over political candidates. His hobbies include your wife (or, quite possibly, you, Mrs. Dear Reader); writing realistic magicalism, a genre he single-handedly invented with co-author and sidekick, Jack Canaan; creating fictitious and utterly true autobiographies; and breathlessly staring at the mirror. He has an advance doctorate in armchair philosophy and has spent years learning to make armchairs from Buddhist monks high in Himalayan mountains. He looks striking in a tuxedo. Although warned many times not to, he went there. He also discovered Martha’s Vineyard in 1602.

–We’re basically meant to be BFFs, or he wants to sleep with me. Possibly both. Probably. The book was Game of Thrones meets Ambien Trip, and I loved it.

The Golem and the Jinni by Helene Wecker. This is obvi a book about a golem and a jinni, and they fall in love in the early 20th c. in NYC, and I loved their love like candy and sample sales. It’s beautifully written and easy to read.

I re-read Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan, and I love it even more every time I read it. You can read it in a day, easily. It’s a life-changing book.

Hot Blooded by Jessica Carlson. It’s the second book of a series and another cliffhanger, which makes me want to kick Jessica Carlson in her teeth. I still loved it.

Venus in Furs by really long old Germanic named author- re-read, still good.

Fury by Laurann Dohner. —porny, but intriguing.

Code Name:Verity by Elizabeth E Wein and Where Angels Fear to Tread by EM Forester are the books open on my kindle right now, and also a shit ton of novels and short storis, and folklore books dedicated to faeries for research for a musical. I may or may not have Persuasion on audio right now as well.

I KNOW I HAVE A PROBLEM. Don’t look at me that way. You watch a lot of tv, right? I read. It’s just what I do. I average a book a day. Hush.

Moving on. SUNDAY SWEET!! DULCE DE DOMINGO!! ALLITERATION IN TWO LANGUAGES!!

You’ve had it up to here with sopapilla cheesecake. I know you have, I’ve seen your tens of jillions of sopapilla cheesecake pins to prove it. Blondies? Overdone. Churros? Pain in the ass. What isn’t? What hasn’t really been done?

I KNOW I KNOW

Churro Blondies

Like a sopapilla, but better. Like a snickerdoodle, but tastier. It has the hard-crack shell of a good creme brulee, and the soft texture of a fresh blondie. It will make you slap your abuelita.

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Churro Blondies

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Cook Time: 30 minutes

Keywords: bake appetizer dessert snack Cinco de Mayo cookie bars

Ingredients (12 blondies)

  • 1 stick butter, softened
  • 3/4 cup brown sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 tbsp vanilla
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 2 cups flour
  • 1 tsp cinnamon

for the crackle top

  • 1/4 cup brown sugar
  • 1 tsp cinnamon

Instructions

preheat oven to 375F

cream together butter and sugar in a mixer on medium

add other wet ingredients and mix one minute

sift in dry ingredients

pour into greased 9″-9″ square baking dish

for topping

combine brown sugar and cinnamon

press evenly onto the top of the batter

bake in oven until brown and crackly, about 30 minutes

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That’s Not Where Nutella Goes

Sometimes, I learn something so profound, it messes with my entire existance. It blows my damned mind. I just can’t take it.

Today, this is it.

Don’t even TRY to tell me that didn’t just blow your shit up all over the place. I mean, my MawMaw told me if I swallowed the seeds that I’d grow a tree in my belly, but she also told me that I look better with bangs, so her judgement is suspect at best.

These “food beast” guys have a ton of hilariously simple suggestions for all kinds of food. Most of their ideas will knock you over with a “well I’m clearly dumb for not doing that before” sort of feeling.

Moving on…

Since the WebMistress bade me do it, I am giving you some of my best search terms that lead people to my tiny little home on the interwebs.

These are my favorites of the week.

“Snarky Rider a True Bitch”–this could go so many ways, though I’m not surprised they found me.

“ginger ball gagged”–of COURSE you found me. Of course. 50 Shades of Spices? Lindsay Lohan nightlife?

“Don Draper Pants Length”–I don’t know what length his pants are, but anyone with internet access knows what length *he* is. (I’ll give you a hint, I think he has to tape it to his thigh when he runs)

“spread Nutella on a$$ cheeks”–that’s not sanitary, people.

“Puns about Granola”–because there are so many?

Now that I’ve blown your mind, I’ll blow up your taste buds! (weak lead-in, but I’ve done worse)

I love quinoa. I love its taste, texture; I love that quinoa really keeps me full. I don’t love how few people actually try it. This recipe is so good, the man and I were fighting over who got to stand over the pot to eat it. A little sweet, a little sour, and wholly amazing. This recipe will go into your arsenal and will get pulled out time and time again. If you think you don’t like quinoa or cabbage, please try this recipe, it WILL change your mind.

Honey Balsamic Quinoa Pilaf

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Honey Balsamic Quinoa Pilaf

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 15 minutes

Cook Time: 25 minutes

Keywords: saute appetizer side snack salad kosher vegetarian dairy-free

Ingredients (serves 6)

  • 1 cup quinoa, rinsed 3 times, and then toasted in a skillet until dry.
  • 4 cups stock (any but beef or mushroom)
  • salt and pepper
  • half of a head of purple cabbage chopped into 1/2″ squares
  • half of an onion, chopped
  • 2 tbsp chopped garlic
  • 2 tbsp evoo
  • 4 tbsp balsamic vinegar
  • 2 tbsp honey

Instructions

in a large saucepan heat oil on medium until rippling

add cabbage and onion and stir until wilted

agg garlic, balsamic, and honey

stir

add stock and quinoa, bring to a boil

turn down heat to low, cover and cook until liquid is mostly absorbed, about 20 minutes

uncover and stir until quinoa is fluffy

salt and pepper to taste.

oddly enough, it tastes EVEN BETTER COLD the next day.

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I’ve Lost It.

Happy May Day!!

My trainer and the Viking are having a bonfire as Swedes are wont to do on May Day.

Myself? As with most holidays, even those not specific to my culture, I’m baking. Every holiday is an excuse to bake.

Except Ramadan…or Yom Kippur….it would be rude to bring cookies to a celebration where you cannot eat. Funny? Yes.

I am fairly certain I don’t actually know how to show up to a celebration without bringing cookies or bread or cupcakes. Generally focused on a theme. Ok, so I don’t bring penis cookies to a bris, but you get the idea. Birthday cupcakes, heartwarming foods for somber occasions. Crudite, ice water, and diet pills for bridal showers–or divorce parties–either one, really.

Seriously, though, I feel like bringing something homemade always makes me feel like I am showing that I care. I think it says that I love the recipient enough to go out of my way for them. I know that I appreciate it when my friends bring things they’ve labored over. The WebMistress is notorious for her finger paintings and macaroni art! I think she’s even promised me a macaroni velvet elvis riding a unicorn!

Can you tell by the utter batshittedness of this post that I’ve had NO sleep whatsoever?

My work schedule has my sleep schedule severely askew, and my internal clock is effing busted. I think it may make me even crazier than what I obviously already am. This morning, in the shower, I was even starting to get wildy introspective. I don’t get wildly introspective in the shower. I contemplate how many hours I would have to sit under a laser to never have to shave or wax my legs again. I consider my pedicure. I do NOT do the introspect thing. Grrr.

Considering life decisions is done while working out. Obvie.

On the bright side I also considered cookies. Gluten-free cookies.

Gluten-Free Nutella Cookies

Do these have nutella in them? Nope. They DO have cocoa and hazelnuts, though. All the nutella yum, none of the WTF ingredients.

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Gluten-Free Nutella Cookies

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Cook Time: 10 minutes

Keywords: bake dessert snack gluten-free dairy-free vegetarian

Ingredients

  • one cup chopped hazelnuts
  • one cup gf oats
  • one scant cup sugar of your choice
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1 cup chopped dark chocolate
  • 1/2 cup cocoa powder

Instructions

preheat oven to 350F

in a food processor, grind nuts to a flour-like consistency

add oats and cocoa

add sugar

add eggs and baking soda and powder

turn off

stir in chocolate

drop in 1 tbsp scoops 2″ apart on greased cookie sheets

bake 10 minutes

let cool 5 minutes before transferring to a cooling rack

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