Hufflepuffing Ben-Gay

Hello, Scamps.

You’ll have to pardon me if I don’t make a lick of sense because I just scrubbed my bathroom. –boys are disgusting little creatures and should sit down to go to the bathroom. Just saying–I used a product that had the bestie¬†been here, she’d have tanned my hide for using. My bathroom now smells like a public pool and I love it. My initial instinct was to hose the damn thing down after bleaching so I could also use ammonia, guaranteeing *that word never looks like it’s spelled properly* that I killed every micro-organism that may or may not have found a habitat in my loo. I was told that this was overkill likely assisted by the bleach vapors permeating my medulla. Bleach smells better anyway.

It’s the truth and you know it. Bleach smells awesome. If I was going to be a household product huffer, bleach would be my hufflepuff. Or gas from the gas station (not ass). Or ben-gay. I have no idea why I love the smell of athletic cream, but I’m sure it comforts the man to know that after a long week, and several, punishing training sessions, after he slathers the balm all over his shoulders, I immediately perk up.

The man when he hits seventy. I’m ready. Bring on the blue pills. (but never the red pill. DO NOT TAKE THE RED PILL!! )

OK, now that I’ve confused the ever-loving shit out of you, lemme feed you.

For today’s Sunday Sweet, I made a luscious Italian treat with a Mexican (or American, Floridian, Californian, anywhere they grow lime, which, come to think of it, so does Italy…) twist.

It’s a wealth of complex flavors in the most unassuming form. You look at this cake and think to yourself? “that’s it? where’s the frosting? Why isn’t it filled with cannoli cream and the venom of a sea serpent? Where’s the rum?”

It’s all absent (unless you know a sea serpent and can make introductions for me) because it’s unnecessary. Make this. Today.

Olive-Oil Lime Cake

olive oil lime cakeolive oil lime cake lime olive oil cake

Olive Oil and Lime Cake

Olive Oil and Lime Cake

Ingredients

  • 1/2 cup olive oil
  • 1 1/2 cups AP flour
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 2 tbsp honey
  • juice and zest of one large lime (about 1/3 cup juice)
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1 tsp baking powder

Instructions

  1. preheat oven to 350F
  2. beat together sugar, eggs, and oil
  3. stir in zest and juice
  4. sift in dry ingredients
  5. pour into a greased, 10" springform pan
  6. bake approximately 25 minutes or until skewer inserted in center comes out clean
  7. immediately remove sides of pan
  8. let cool.
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Subliminal Whovian

Pardon the tardy post, but I was awaiting the reveal of the new Dr Who. It took place at 2pm EST, you can obviously understand why it took up so many hours of my life earlier in the day, can’t you?

It could’ve been really bad. I needed to emotionally prepare. Personally, I was hoping for the highly improbable, and not even discussed anywhere on social media, Hugh Laurie. Alas, it is Peter Capaldi of “World War Z”, I’m not disappointed, I’m merely surprised that Steven Moffat couldn’t hear my subliminal mind messages I’ve been sending.

Oh Well! There’s always thirteen!!

Hey look, Sunday Sweet!

Gluten-Free Almond Banana Chocolate Cookies

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Gluten-Free Almond Banana Chocolate Cookies

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 11 minutes

Keywords: bake appetizer breakfast side snack dessert gluten-free dairy-free soy-free vegetarian cookie

Ingredients (18 cookies)

  • 2 1/2 cups old fashioned or quick oats
  • 1/2 cup almond butter
  • 1 oz melted unsweetened chocolate
  • 2 over ripe bananas (medium) mashed
  • the whites of 2 eggs
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1/4 cup ground nuts

Instructions

preheat oven to 350 degrees

whip wet ingredients for one minute

slowly stir in baking soda, oats and nuts

scoop onto a greased cookie sheet 2 tbsp drops 2″ apart

bake for 11 minutes

let cool on cookie sheet

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Use Your Taser at the Portable Peep Show

I think that Sunday is purposefully sneaking up on me! With all of the hot weather, it seems as though one day has bled into another, creating hours-long nightmares of being stuck indoors with a fan blowing up your skirt. Marilyn Monroe had the right idea.

Alas, I cannot simply revolve my entire week around Sunday Night Cable tv, now can I? (Yes, I capitalized that as a title, because it’s the best effing night on tv, and the only night in which I deign to set down my book to watch it.)

So, since it’s been so effing hot, let me tell you how I’ve been spending my time, a quick list.

Reading: obviously.

coloring (with my kids)

devising a way to magnetize “Jenga” so those of us with unsteady hands can finally play.

creating my own, personal superhero with a kick-ass superpower like laser boobs or magnetic fingers for playing magnetic jenga

telling my 5yo son to draw a superhero with “laser boobs” and then trying not to die of the laughter that results.

watching old after-school specials online, because, reasons. (I had no idea that every man in a trench coat was a perv with a portable peep show waiting to happen…I think I’ll start randomly tasing (tazing?) men in trench coats and see what happens. Hey, if they’re not pervs, they’re probably bankers, right? win/win!)

thisisallofthestuffIdidafterItookambienandthenIforgotwhatIdid

I read some more.

I made Sunday Sweet.

OH HOLLA!!

Not ONLY is today Sunday Sweet, but it’s also NATIONAL ICE CREAM DAY!!!

Well, so yeah. My kids can’t have dairy. So I made VEGAN ice cream. It’s AMAZING.

Shut it down, Judgy McJudgersons! Try it. You’ll like it.

Vegan Cookies and Cream Ice Cream

Vegan Cookies and Cream Ice Cream

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Cook Time: freeze time-3 hours

Keywords: no bake ice-cream

Ingredients (3-4 servings)

  • 2 sliced, frozen, overripe bananas
  • 4 tbsp creamy natural peanut butter
  • 1 tbsp maple syrup
  • the cream of one can of coconut milk, or one half of one can of coconut cream (refrigerate milk, use the fats that have separated)
  • 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
  • 4 vegan chocolate wafers (SO many brands) crushed

Instructions

puree all ingredients save for wafers in food pro

stir in wafers

place in a ziploc bag and press all of the air out

place that one in another ziploc bag

freeze for 3 hours, massaging bag every 30 minutes

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Your Brain on Ron Swanson

The Sunday before Independence Day. I venture to guess there will me more cars on the road than people in their homes this fine day! Or not, whatever. I am having a perfectly lovely morning! As long as you consider bleary-eyed, slightly hungover, and exhausted, lovely. You see, last night I was recipe testing cocktails for today’s Sunday Sweet. My brain will NOT let alcohol go to waste, so I had about 3 cocktails in about 45 minutes. I know that may not be a ton to some people, but to me it was….it was like Ron Swanson went to the Sizzler and only had the salad bar…all night long.

Today there will be coffee. Much coffee. And eggs. Many eggs. Perhaps some bacon as well. The Gaysian *who is also British* is suggesting black pudding and tomatoes. I am suggesting that he fix his British tastebuds because who in the fresh f*ck actually wants to start the morning with a gelatinous mixture of pig’s blood, pork fat, and oatmeal? It looks like someone stripped “Carrie” naked and scraped the remnants of the blood bucket off of her body after her pyro show had started to fry it on her skin. They then surrounded it with tomatoes and called it breakfast.

Just give me bacon and maybe some cheesy eggs…hell, I’ll even eat regular sausage…just not blood sausage because, reasons.

Alas, for today’s SUNDAY SWEET no pigs were harmed in its making. It went through a few iterations before I got it just right, and I truly believe this is a work of yum.

It’s a bit of a take on a Moscow Mule, so being Slovak, I’m calling it a

Gingerberry Bratislava

 

Gingerberry Bratislava

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 20 minutes

Cook Time: 2 minutes

Keywords: beverage

Ingredients (1 cocktail (plus enough syrup)

    for ginger syrup

    • 3 tbsp fresh chopped ginger
    • 1/2 cup honey
    • 1/2 cup water

    for the cocktail

    • 4-5 blackberries
    • 1 tsbp ginger syrup
    • 2 lime wedges
    • 2 oz vodka
    • 2 oz ginger beer

    Instructions

    for the ginger syrup

    combine honey, ginger, and water in a saucepan on the stove, bring to a boil, reduce to a simmer, steep 5 minutes, let cool, strain.

    for the cocktail

    in a glass drop in the berries and lime wedges, squeezing the juice over the berries

    pour a tbsp of ginger syrup over the berries and lime and muddle

    add in a few ice cubes, and simultaneously pour vodka and ginger beer over the mix and ice.

    stir.

    serve.

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    How Does a T-Rex Fan Itself?

    It’s super hot, so I’ve been really very happy about that. I mean, I’m simply glistening with¬†sweat, frustration, the blood of my enemies happiness. I’ve certainly not been snapping at everyone who comes within a fifteen-foot range of me, lashing out like some sort of pre-menopausal velociraptor. (do velociraptors even go through menopause? If so, should it happen when one is in their late-twenties/early thirties? Probably not, right? I should probably be concerned. Meh. I’ll just drink more water, I’m sure that will take care of it.)

    Seriously, though. I have one hell of a workout on deck for today, but with the heat, do you know what I DON’T want to do? Get even more sweaty. In fact, that seems like the worst possible idea ever. Do you remember when Mel Gibson decided to re-make Hamlet? Working out today seems like a worse idea than that. Remember when you were in college and you told yourself that nothing could possibly go wrong if you did that keg stand after you had dental surgery, and then you woke up on a pool table dressed up as a Franciscan nun wearing fishnet tights and a sheer habit? Yeah. Worse than that, and that was pretty bad, my friends.

    Alas, I’ve never been known for my better judgement (read:some of my educational choices…I have a mile of letters after my last name, and I’m an actor…) Therefore, I shall be heading into my gym tonight, not ready, barely willing, yet totally able to work out. If it gets really hot, I may have a fantastic hallucination to tell you about tomorrow!

    Until then? COOKIES.

    Hello, did you scamps think I’d forget Sunday Sweet? Hell no. Alas, these are “healthier”, but only a teeeeeeny bit. They’re like the topless girl at a totally-nude beach. They’re third base. They’re jack and diet coke.

    They’re delicious.

    Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Damn Delicious

    Peanut Butter Bananaberry Cookies

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    Peanut Butter Bananaberry Cookies

    Peanut Butter Bananaberry Cookies

    Ingredients

    • 1/2 c coconut oil
    • 1/3 cup creamy or crunchy pb
    • 1/4 cup pasteurized egg whites or 3 egg whites
    • 1/3 cup honey
    • 1 large, overripe banana
    • 1 cup blueberries
    • 2 cups quick oats
    • 1 tsp baking soda
    • 1/2 tsp salt

    Instructions

    1. preheat oven to 375F
    2. beat together wet ingredients in a mixer on high until a milkshake like quality.
    3. slowly stir in oats and baking soda
    4. very gently work in berries
    5. scoop onto greased cookie sheet in 2tbsp scoops, one inch apart
    6. bake for 11 minutes
    7. let cool on sheet one minute, transfer to cooling rack
    8. these cookies are TENDER, so be careful.
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