healthyeating Breakfast to Bed

Ryan Seacrest Brings Everclear to Armageddon

By breakfasttobed | May 15, 2013 - 11:26 AM | desserts, healthy eating, Recipes

This morning in “what the HELL???” Mountain Dew has a breakfast drink. No really. I’m not kidding. The beverage company that rotted my hillbilly relatives’ teeth and I think might actually double as radium in nuclear bombs is taking over the most important meal of the day.

Why. Just, why? Do they want people to use it to chase their bacon, egg, and cheese on a jelly donut breakfast sandwich? Will it be on-tap at Carl’s Jr? You just KNOW someone asscandle is going to add Everclear to it, because…obviously. You can’t just be stupid, you have to be suicidally stupid.

I’m all for moderation and whatnot, this is actually a cookie post, but I don’t think my version of moderation will ever include toxic waste breakfast bevvies. Unless we’re talking a really spicy bloody mary…then it’s practically good for you! I mean, tomato juice, hot sauce, celery….there’s vodka too, but that’s good for your blood or something. I’m Slovak, I think it’s actually an essential component in my blood. Like heme, or t-cells, or sarcasm.

What the heck is wrong with black coffee? I’m fairly certain people have been drinking it far longer than the dew of the mountain, and with fewer negative effects. It may yellow your teeth and make you talk really fast, but you’ll still have teeth, and you won’t whistle when you talk. Also? Coffee smells good and cannot fuel military aircraft or glow under black light. (pure conjecture, but I can’t be far off in my assumptions. Not unlike my assumption that Ryan Seacrest is bringing about armageddon)

Coffee, you scamps. Drink it.

Also? dunk these cookies in it.

S’more cookies..with the marshmallows baked right in. I know. I know. I’ve just blown your mind. Ok, that may be a bit over-stating it, but I am making you have inappropriate thoughts about childhood campfires and that one hot guy at camp whom you just wanted to notice you but it turns out he’s gay and he only notices you because you both know the entire Sondheim catalog….

S’more Cookies

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 10 minutes

Keywords: bake appetizer dessert cookie

Ingredients (3 dozen cookies)

2 sticks softened unsalted butter
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 cups flour
1 tsp vanilla extract
2/3 cup DARK cocoa powder
1 tsp salt (yes, a WHOLE tsp)
2 cups mini marshmallows
sleeve of broken graham crackers

Instructions

preheat oven to 350F and prepare 3 cookie sheets with parchment paper AND cooking spray…these are sticky

cream butter and sugar

add vanilla and eggs

sift in flour and cocoa a little at a time, stirring to combine

add salt

stir in marshmallows

scoop into 1.5″ balls

set on cookie sheet 2″ apart

bake 10 minutes

as soon as cookies come out, shove down a piece of broken graham cracker into the center

let cool entirely before removing from parchment

store in an airtight container.

Incidentally, if you’re a sick puppy like I am, teddy grahams are hysterical replacement for the graham crackers.

Will Penicillin Work on Bieber Fever?

By breakfasttobed | May 13, 2013 - 1:07 PM | desserts, healthy eating, Recipes

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Yesterday was Mother’s Day, the day where we’re all supposed to feel like queens or some such nonsense. It was lovely, there was pizza, but today is most certainly back to business as usual.

You see, the Peanut loathes having any sort of even slightly, not noticeable to anyone but herself, soiled diaper. If she feels herself become damp or dirty, she immediately divests herself of her clothing and diaper, handing her diaper to whomever is lucky enough to be passing by. However, she is fairly insouciant about actually potty-training. It is damnably annoying.

It’s like I’m living in an effing Chekov story with all of the excrement and lack of personal responsibility. Granted, she’s just two and probably not a drunk Russian communist, but the comparison is there. Although, since she is frequently seen with very low pants and a great deal what of she thinks passes as swagger, perhaps she’s a bit more like Justin Bieber.

I swear, if she grows up to like him, I’m giving her every antibiotic known to man to rid her of the Bieber fever. Is there a vaccine I can give her now? Is that vaccine composed of his blood and the ashes of posters featuring much less douchey artists? Do you get it with the HPV vax? Tetanus? Does the adverse reactions warning label include “may fall into pathetic white-boy rapping and pseudo thug-meets Lindsay Lohan type behavior?”

Then again, I was head-over-heels in love with the New Kids. I had exceedingly poor taste as a second grader. I mean, Jordan Knight, the love of my life from 1991-1993 had a rat-tail and only sung in falsetto. Even Prince sings in a natural range from time-to-time. He sang as though his man bits never descended all.the.time.

The Peanut will have better judgment, I think. Mostly because she likes my cooking, so she can’t be dumb, amirite?

Today’s recipe is a winner. I wanted a “breakfast cookie” that was gluten-free, refined-sugar free, and was absolutely free of the taste of Jordan Knight’s undescended manhood.

It took some tweaking, but damn are these good.

Gluten-Free Breakfast Cookies

Gluten-Free Breakfast Cookie

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Cook Time: 10 minutes

Keywords: bake raw appetizer bread breakfast dessert side snack gluten-free

Ingredients (2 dozen cookies)

7 dried figs (turkish–they’re bigger than the mission figs)
1/3 cup pitted dates (just shove them down into a measuring cup)
1/2 cup creamy natural nut butter
4 tbsp pasteurized egg whites (in case you’d rather have an energy ball than a cookie)
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup coconut milk
2 cups old fashioned oats

Instructions

preheat oven to 350F if you want cookies and prepare 2 cooking sheets with cooking spray

in a food processor, puree together figs, dates and pb until smooth

add remaining ingredients and pulse until combined

scoop onto cookie sheets in 1 tbsp scoops or refrigerate dough for cookie energy balls, chill for an hour and then roll into balls, chill overnight

for the cookies, smash each dough dollop down until it’s a 1/2″-2″ disk

bake for ten minutes and let cool

Cemeteries and Dicks

By breakfasttobed | May 9, 2013 - 9:45 AM | healthy eating, Recipes, Uncategorized

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It’s 11:15 pm as I write this post. Why am I writing a post at night instead of in the morning? The Peanut has decided that tonight is a great night for a toddler dance party and cereal eating contest. I’ve decided that Heineken was developed for just such an occasion.

WHY IS SHE STILL AWAKE? This is the babe that is predictably asleep by 8:15 pm every night. Alas, she is ridiculously cuddly and silly, and currently sitting beside me, pretending to type. This is why children are so cute, because if they weren’t, you’d totally make them pull their weight. I can think of at least 4 baby modeling agencies I could totally sell her out to.

Half-Asian Honey Boo Boo who won’t eat pasta? WHERE’S HER CROWN?!!???

I could totally sit in a confessional spewing shit about how my daughter’s attitude and her need for attention. It would certainly have nothing to do with my need for attention, would it? It’s not like I have a blog wherein I mostly talk about myself, is it?!?!

Need I remind you my people come from West Virginia? The land where deer hunting is a high school sport, and biscuits are a condiment. I had family that lived in an actual holler. That is not just something they made up for the movie “Coal Miner’s Daughter”, it’s an actual thing.

Before I spiral into more futility, I will let you go with a charming story about my MawMaw. About 10 years ago, we all attended a family reunion in the Virginia that is West, and on that trip, we stayed in these really posh cabins designed to lure tourists to mountainland. One day, we took my MawMaw to a cemetery to see the graves. Visit old friends? Who knows. We just went. All of us. My huge effing family, stalking a cemetery like some weird emo clan of northerners. So we’re walking around gazing at the stones, occasionally finding one with something awesome on it, like an alter of natty light cans, or bronzed pack of cigarettes.

Well, MawMaw remembered the friends who were buried at this particular place, and they’re last name was “Dick”. All of a sudden, from across the chasm, my lovely MawMaw yells out “Well, where are the dicks?” My MawMaw birthed and raised several sarcastic assholes who then bred more of the same. Needless to say, the jokes were rich and plentiful, “Have you checked congress?” “Probably covered up” “you’re the one with all the kids, you tell us!”…but she just laughed and kept asking, “Where are the dicks?”

She never found the dicks, but she was, in fact, surrounded by many of her own making.

And now for something completely different.

Salsa. More specific, one of the most delicious salsas ever.

Black Bean and Mango Salsa

black bean and mango salsa

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: let sit overnight

Keywords: no bake appetizer condiment side snack salad vegetarian

Ingredients (one pint jar)

one large beefsteak tomato
one champagne mango
one half red onion
1 tbsp roasted garlic
1 jalapeno
juice of half of one lime
1/2 cup black beans
1/2 cup cilantro
salt and pepper

Instructions

chop all ingredients so they’re approximately the same size dice, shredding the cilantro, and seeding the jalapeno

add together in a bowl and let sit overnight.

serve with EVERYTHING

add salt and pepper to taste

Cupcakes and Crazy

By breakfasttobed | May 7, 2013 - 11:51 AM | healthy eating, Recipes

7 Comments

Today is the Peanut’s second birthday, so this post is going to be short, sweet, and to the point. I HAVE MORE CUPCAKES TO BAKE!!

I cannot believe that two whole years has passed since that beautiful little girl came into my life. So many things have never been the same since her birth, not least of which is my ladyflower.

She is the most wonderful, beautiful, funny little toddler you’d ever hope to meet. She has a spirit that makes you think she’s going to be a little Hillary Clinton or Chelsea Handler. (could go either way, and really, I’d be ok with both) She is most definitely an alpha female wrapped up in a tutu, behind the biggest smile to ever stretch a tot’s face. She loves her yiyi’s Chinese cooking and her momma’s baking and down-home food. She loves “LaLaLoopsy” and thinks she should have ALL OF THE DOLLS. She hates chicken that isn’t served to her in a soup or on its original handle of a drumstick. She loves to spin in circles and hates it when someone tries to stop her.

She is hilariously manipulative, giving you kisses and tickling you if she’s been scolded. She loves pigtails and glitter and skirts that fly up and twirl when you spin in a circle. She adores her Papa and clings to him fiercely, while still insisting he wear her crown and scarves. Because he’s fun, but he’s 10x more awesome in drag, apparently.

For her birthday breakfast I made one of her favorite foods, and I’m sharing it with you. It’s essentially a grilled fruit salad with a tangy dressing, but its flavors go together in such a way that you smack yourself for not having thought of it before. It is the BEST salad for the summer.

Grilled Tropical Fruit and Avocado Salad with Honey Lime Vinaigrette

The recipe is just for the dressing, but you can use any fruits you like. All you have to do is grill the fruit (just that easy) on each side, and then toss in the fantasmagorical dressing.

Mint and Honey Vinaigrette or Honey Lime Vinaigrette

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Keywords: salad side soup/stew condiment

Ingredients

juice of 2 limes
1 tbsp honey
2 tbsp avocado or olive oil
salt and pepper
3 tbsp chopped mint

Instructions

whisk all ingredients together. toss over grilled fruit.

That’s Not Where Nutella Goes

By breakfasttobed | May 3, 2013 - 10:00 AM | healthy eating, Recipes, Uncategorized

6 Comments

Sometimes, I learn something so profound, it messes with my entire existance. It blows my damned mind. I just can’t take it.

Today, this is it.

Don’t even TRY to tell me that didn’t just blow your shit up all over the place. I mean, my MawMaw told me if I swallowed the seeds that I’d grow a tree in my belly, but she also told me that I look better with bangs, so her judgement is suspect at best.

These “food beast” guys have a ton of hilariously simple suggestions for all kinds of food. Most of their ideas will knock you over with a “well I’m clearly dumb for not doing that before” sort of feeling.

Moving on…

Since the WebMistress bade me do it, I am giving you some of my best search terms that lead people to my tiny little home on the interwebs.

These are my favorites of the week.

“Snarky Rider a True Bitch”–this could go so many ways, though I’m not surprised they found me.

“ginger ball gagged”–of COURSE you found me. Of course. 50 Shades of Spices? Lindsay Lohan nightlife?

“Don Draper Pants Length”–I don’t know what length his pants are, but anyone with internet access knows what length *he* is. (I’ll give you a hint, I think he has to tape it to his thigh when he runs)

“spread Nutella on a$$ cheeks”–that’s not sanitary, people.

“Puns about Granola”–because there are so many?

Now that I’ve blown your mind, I’ll blow up your taste buds! (weak lead-in, but I’ve done worse)

I love quinoa. I love its taste, texture; I love that quinoa really keeps me full. I don’t love how few people actually try it. This recipe is so good, the man and I were fighting over who got to stand over the pot to eat it. A little sweet, a little sour, and wholly amazing. This recipe will go into your arsenal and will get pulled out time and time again. If you think you don’t like quinoa or cabbage, please try this recipe, it WILL change your mind.

Honey Balsamic Quinoa Pilaf

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 15 minutes

Cook Time: 25 minutes

Keywords: saute appetizer side snack salad kosher vegetarian dairy-free

Ingredients (serves 6)

1 cup quinoa, rinsed 3 times, and then toasted in a skillet until dry.
4 cups stock (any but beef or mushroom)
salt and pepper
half of a head of purple cabbage chopped into 1/2″ squares
half of an onion, chopped
2 tbsp chopped garlic
2 tbsp evoo
4 tbsp balsamic vinegar
2 tbsp honey

Instructions

in a large saucepan heat oil on medium until rippling

add cabbage and onion and stir until wilted

agg garlic, balsamic, and honey

stir

add stock and quinoa, bring to a boil

turn down heat to low, cover and cook until liquid is mostly absorbed, about 20 minutes

uncover and stir until quinoa is fluffy

salt and pepper to taste.

oddly enough, it tastes EVEN BETTER COLD the next day.

Category Archives: healthy eating

Ryan Seacrest Brings Everclear to Armageddon

Will Penicillin Work on Bieber Fever?

Cemeteries and Dicks

Cupcakes and Crazy

That’s Not Where Nutella Goes

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