Category Archives: fashion

Tiger Sharks Need Personal Shoppers

  By breakfasttobed | March 7, 2013 - 9:31 AM | , ,
5 Comments

My daughter has a new word. This is very exciting to me, as my kids were both late talkers, but the nature of the word is a bit frightening. The word is “zebra”. You’d think it’s because we watch a lot of the movie “Stripes” or “Lion King”, or perhaps it would even be due to our trips to the Bronx Zoo. You’d be wrong. It is because of her zebra print sleeper. She is more than a little certain that this sleeper is by far the superior one piece of her extensive collection, and has taken to requesting it by name.

peanut in zebra

I’d have been less surprised if she meant Zebra as something this guy would use as an attraction to get you to go to a club.

She’ll park her zebra right behind club promoter Trannie Oakley.

I do love feminine things, but I like mine with a distinctly “edgier” style. I am not a J Crew preppy or vintage obsessed hipster, or the like. What I am is the girl who searched for weeks for a pair of leather leggings that would be long enough to wear with heels or chuck taylors. I am the girl whose favorite boots are motorcycle, and who frequently pairs them with her floral sweater. I do not understand animal print unless it is on the animal, even then…tiger sharks? Yeah, it’s a little subtle, don’t you think? Darken those stripes if you’re going to eat me alive, I deserve that much.

I know, I know, don’t most girls have leopard print flats? I am sure many do. I do not. I’ve never been a fan. I do, however, have many moccasins and boots! As it stands, my Peanut is all in for Lily Pullitzer (pulitzer?) and Burberry.

I am so screwed. If this keeps up, I’m going to have to bribe this lovely preppy with alcohol and promises of Junior League donations to help me shop for the Peanut. Or I’ll just give her peyote and hope for the best. Both would be entertaining, I am sure.

I guess I’ll just feed my worry. I feed the worry homemade flour tortillas. When upon searching for the perfect recipe, I realized they all contained one thing: lard. Um, I basically never have that in the house. It never crosses my mind as something to buy. What I almost always have is coconut oil and/or butter and/or coconut butter.

This recipe is the one I used/adapted, so I’ll not post it. I understand what it’s like to have a recipe stolen and blown up, and it’s annoying as hell, and infuriating. I realize Alton Brown is rich enough not to care about my tiny blog, but I’m not an asshole. (mostly)

What I did to the recipe was increase the salt (I like salty tortillas like WHOA), subbed softened coconut butter for the lard, and whole wheat flour for the flour. You could also use a 50/50 blend.

What did I think? AHHHHH mazing. SO much better than store bought. When I used them to make a breakfast burrito this morning, I was in heaven. Pure heaven.

whole wheat tortillasbreakfast burrito

Millard Fillmore: Ghost Hunter

  By breakfasttobed | November 21, 2012 - 9:49 AM | , , , , , ,
8 Comments

I know I know, I haven’t done a WIAW in a long while, but I have been REALLLLLLY busy. I feel like I need to though, because there is a lot of crap going around about “judgement” and other such nonsense. What I Ate Wednesday isn’t about judgement or pageviews or anything like that. It’s about ideas and commiseration. Guess what? Sometimes we ALL have days where we eat like crap, or we barely eat anything, or we eat too much, or we eat just right. I have no ability to produce the hunger hormone, so I have a tendency to either grossly overthink my food, or just go with what tastes good. I try to achieve balance, but with work, and dance, and acting classes, vocal classes, raising my kids, working out, keeping this blog, texting mistresses at midnight, and trying to get time to be alone and read? Yeah, sometimes I screw up. I’m showing you that out of honesty. If you want to judge me for that? Let me let you in on a little secret, a carp can count how many damns I give on his fingers. Zippy. Zippy damns I give.

Here’s what I ate yesterday. Not pictured? An ABSURD amount of dark cocoa dusted almonds. Dear sweet deity of your choosing I love those. Have you had them? Wowzers. In fact, they made up at least half of my dinner meals. (I just snack all day because I get full quickly.)

I had a 1/4 of one of those tartlets up top, mostly so I could share that tartlet and still have enough for Un-Thanksgiving….it’s just like Thanksgiving…only twice as thankful with 100% less syphilis. Oh, and it can be shared with as many foreign people you can fit in your house. I ate an ENTIRE pomegranate, some oatmeal (shocking!!) I had some Ezekiel bread and peanut butter with honey, an orange, brussels sprouts, and cereal. I also had that delicious cherry wheat beer. Do it. For your country. Sam Adams is as American as Perez Hilton and Millard Fillmore.

I also want to talk about playing. Mostly because you all think I just workout for my workouts, which is *mostly* true. Mostly because I don’t consider playing like crazy with my two kids “working out,” in spite of how tired it makes me, which it does.

Reebok was kind enough to send my two bits a pair of shoes each for them to try out. Let me tell you, it couldn’t have come at a better time. They literally came JUST as the Peanut hit a growth spurt and grew out of her sneaks. She won’t take hers off, nor will the Captain. He is convinced that they are the “fastest sneakers ever” and they glow in the dark so he can “find all the ghosts.” (We may or may not have just read “A Christmas Carol”) Apparently, the sneakers also make ghosts corporeal so he can kick them back to the afterlife. I think Millard Fillmore wants in on the action. (just don’t tell him he’s dead too….it’s like a “Sixth Sense” kinda thing.)

The sneakers are adorable and flexible which is the MOST important thing with kids, and especially toddler shoes. The Captain has worn his every day for a month, and they still look great…even after I had to clean hurricane mud from them, they look great.

She loves her zigs

She really loves hers because they have velcro, and she’s highly entertained with elastic velcro.

Perfect for Brooklyn errands!!

Literally, that is him “modeling” the shoes. Could you die?

Speaking of food, you’d like a recipe you say? Oh, I can do that. How about dark chocolate almond pie tartlets?

Please, please, please follow this recipe to the letter, if you use milk chocolate, it will be too sweet. If you don’t use salted almonds, it will be too sweet. If the almonds aren’t roasted, it will be bland. If you use margarine, you do so at your own peril. Just make it as it’s written, and no one gets hurt.

Dark Chocolate Almond Pie Tartlets

Imagine a pecan pie…made of almonds….with DARK CHOCOLATE

phyllo dough is better than pie crust

 

 

Dark Chocolate Almond Pie Tartlets

by Cat Tan

Prep Time: 20 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Keywords: bake dessert

Ingredients (10 tartlets)

  • 1/2 cup brown sugar
  • 1/4 cup Lyle’s Brown Rice Syrup or light corn syrup
  • 3 tbsp butter+3 more for phyllo prep
  • 1 cup chopped, roasted, salted almonds
  • 1/2 cup chopped DARK chocolate
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 tbsp vanilla
  • 4 sheets phyllo dough

Instructions

preheat oven to 350F

for the filling

bring syrup, brown sugar, 3 tbsp butter, and vanilla to simmer over medium heat, stir in nuts

remove from heat

in a separate, heat proof bowl, whisk eggs

TO TEMPER THE EGGS and not SCRAMBLE them

pour a few tbsp of the syrup mixture into the eggs and whisk fiercely until all of it is combined.

for the crust

cut WITH A VERY SHARP KNIFE OR SCISSORS in a stack, the phyllo into 6″ squares

place 3 pieces of phyllo into a muffin tin indent, buttering between each layer, all the way to the edges

pour nut mixture into phyllo cup 2/3 full

bake for 20 minutes or until set on top.

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Mr Belding Pole Dances.

  By breakfasttobed | July 11, 2012 - 8:20 AM | , , , , ,
19 Comments

As it turns out, in spite of my obvious inner sex demon, (or lack thereof) I am not built to be an exotic dancer.

I had high hopes.

I took my water bottle, my gaysian, and my best inner post-”Saved By The Bell”-Jesse Spano to cardio striptease class. Personally, I wanted to take the Silver Sneakers class and get the lowdown on how Esther always seems to ensnare all the most recent widowers, but Will decided this was a better use of our time. Pshhh. ENSNARING WIDOWERS IS A SKILL I’LL NEED IN THE FUTURE.

Go Bayside!

We got into this class to see that the same MALE instructor that teaches the MMA class, teaches cardio striptease. I was floored. Will…was not. In fact, his exact words were, “I could just tell he wanted to pin me to the mat.” I tried to argue that teaching cardio striptease does not a gay make, and then I shut my mouth, he was wearing sparkly shorts. The proof is in the sequins.

Apparently years of MMA training, and a stint in the Corps, makes you GREAT at working the stripper pole. Whereas, tap classes, two kids, a jenky equilibrium, and a healthy fear of what STDs that pole might transmit through my capris and spanx; makes you terrible at it.

I was about as sexy as John Boehner, in a thong, crying on the beach. I had fun, though, and Will? Nailed it. It makes me even less curious about what he already overshares with me. He turned upside-down on the pole. UPSIDE DOWN. I about broke my knee cap and lady garden just trying to spin around the friggen thing. I got caught up like a damned playground tetherball. Maybe I should do more zumba and yoga, and try to limber up a bit; or maybe I’ll just stick to what works to turn the cop on…I’ll  bake something naked. Though, I think I figured out how Esther bags her widowers.

Speaking of baking something…IT’S NOT ONLY TRY SOMETHING NEW TUESDAY!! It’s What I Ate Wednesday!! (Thanks, sister wife!!) I forgot to take a picture of my breakfast. I’ll tell you, though. It was a protein smoothie. I am working on my muscle definition, and eating a lot more protein.

sweet potato nachos, yogurt (I never eat the dip..I don’t really like that yogurt, but that’s what the bodega sells) spinach salad with almonds and feta, egg and egg white with kale and goat cheese omelet, and more fruit.

The real winner of yesterday was my perfectly crispy sweet potato nachos.

Sweet Potato Chips

After what seems like EONS, I figured out how to make the perfect, crispy, sweet potato oven chip. COCONUT OIL.

What you have to do is slice the chips extra thin, preheat the oven to 425F, and BRUSH THE OIL ONTO THE COOKIE SHEET. Season your chips however you please, place them seasoned side down, bake 7 minutes, flip, and bake seven more minutes. PERFECT. I like to top them with goat cheese and cilantro.

Fitness Companies, Let Me Tall You Something

  By breakfasttobed | June 14, 2012 - 9:14 AM | , , ,
21 Comments

When I was 315 lbs, I used to bitch about the way clothing fit, blaming it on my height, and not at all on the fact that I was, well, 315lbs. I would whine and kvetch about how the pants weren’t cut properly for tall women, and the shirts were riding up because I was a tall drink of water, not because I was more akin to the creepy Kool-Aid pitcher. (If I were kool-aid, I’d totally be blue raspberry, or mystery flavor, the CIA operative of Kool-Aid.)

I now realize, I was only half dreaming that shit up in my head…other than being Mystery Kool-Aid…I can take you out with two packets and a pound of sugar without looking up from my ipod, I swear.

Oddly enough, the clothes I have the hardest time finding to fit properly is FITNESS CLOTHING. My lady lumps are a bit on the petite side, my torso is a bit on the long side, my waist is short, and my legs…well…I have a 36″ inseam. At least I can rely on short sleeves to help me not feel ridiculous, because long sleeved work out clothing? HA! I look like a 14 year old boy who has just hit puberty and tries to wear a sweatshirt from the previous year.

Sure, I could shell out enough money to feed a small country at LuLuLemon, but I could also pull out my own eyelashes with a pair of kitchen tongs…that would be about as much fun.

Why is fitness clothing always “one size should fit you!”?? There is no maternity sizing, no tall sizing, no petite sizing, nada. I am not 5’6″ and 125 lbs, so I should just live in tanks and capris? Oh, and if I decide to breed, I should just forget about exercise for the next 9 months? Because that’s the message fitness companies send.  I am TIRED of it.

Beyond that, running tights for men have a spot for their manhood, and I prefer to keep my manhood attached to my man, (convenient location, as I always know where to find it!) so I’d inevitably end up looking like I have something that may surprise you. Women’s running tights? In order for them to not show the ol’ coin slot, due to their super low rise, I have to yank them up so high that I suffocate my lady area. NOT a good look.

I love my Reebok work out gear. I love my Champion and Brooks running shorts. I LOVVVVE my Under Armour capris. I do not, however, have ONE PAIR of yoga pants that I didn’t have to practically sell myself to buy that are long enough.

Fit women come in all shapes, sizes, and stages of motherhood. Someone, PLEASE, recognize that.

Just like how I, a food and fitness blogger recognize that not everyone eats meat or can handle gluten!

Today’s recipe is for the G-Free, vegan readers I have.

SUPER HEALTHY SOPAPILLAS!! I know, I know, right now you’re thinking “why didn’t I think of that?’ Probably because I was sifting through everyones ideas as Agent Mystery Kool-Aid. You didn’t have a chance.

These couldn’t be simpler.

Healthy Sopapillas

by Cat Tan

Prep Time: 0 minutes

Cook Time: 5 minutes

Keywords: fry breakfast dessert snack gluten-free vegan

Ingredients (a whole lot.)

  • 1 package of glutinous rice dumpling wrappers
  • 2 tbsp coconut oil, split into 6 teaspoons
  • 2-4 tbsp raw sugar, pulsed in the food processor
  • 1 tsp cinnamon

Instructions

in a bowl combine pulsed sugar and cinnamon

heat 1 tsp of coconut oil at a time in a skillet on medium high

drop in one to three skins into the hot oil at a time, flipping when they bubble

pull right from oil, letting excess drip away, and toss into cinnamon sugar mixture.

serve with honey or chocolate if desired

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The Smell of a Man in the Thunderdome.

  By breakfasttobed | May 16, 2012 - 8:42 AM | , , , , , , , ,
19 Comments

So…. this What I Ate Wednesday is going to have super lame food, other than breakfast. Here’s the thing, yesterday, I got a confirmation invite to an event I had not yet been confirmed to attend. Fine, cool, whatevs. I can do things on the fly, I’m a NYer. It was cocktail attire. That meant makeup, blow out the fro, and put on a dress. After a morning of playing with the kids and practicing knife skills for an upcoming audition, it was a bit like plucking a chicken coated in vaseline; I just couldn’t get a grip. (that little turn-of-phrase brought to you by my West Virginia MawMaw)

This led me to do the only thing that would make sense. Fall asleep while writing a recipe while the kids napped, waking up to see the clock read “3:30PM”, freaking out and having NO idea what day it was, and making my kids a goat cheese pasta dinner so fast it would make your head spin. During all of this I also had to get ready to go to the event, which happened to be the Bob Harper *yes, THAT Bob Harper,* book launch.

Yes, I’ve been known to rant about “The Biggest Loser” my fair share of times, mostly because of the fact that they’ve proven time and time again that the longest lasting weight loss takes the longest time. There are exceptions to this rule, obvie (hello, me!) but in general, 1-2 lbs a week is more likely to stay off than 100lbs in 4 months.

The funny thing is, his book says as much. In “The Skinny Rules”, which I intend to read, cover-to-cover, he stresses the need for balance, and acceptance that weight loss takes time. Well, Hell, as long as he understands that not all of us are willing to stand in all of our obese glory in spandex and sports bras, on a scale that looks like it belongs in the “Thunderdome”, or the fat version of “The Arena”, I will give the book a chance. Just call me (former) Fatniss.

And the man could not have been nicer to team FitFluential. (wanna be a part of the awesomest team ever? you don’t have to be a blogger, you know!) Several of us were there, and he graciously took pictures with all of us, as well as with our group. Not going to lie, he smelled good. Odd thing to say, but he did! I am soooo olfactory driven-my doctor speculates it’s because I’m profoundly deaf, so my olfactory and vision senses are better. I therefore judge people heavily on how they smell. I think it’s because I’m part panther or truffle pig or something else awesome. I’m weird, get over it. He also had his launch at an apothecary, so that didn’t hurt.

Team FitFluential

The beautiful Theodora and Bob.

Bob being positively charmed/charming with the Angry Trainer.

Yes, Ashley is just that sexy. I wanted to steal her earrings but couldn’t get her drunk enough.

Bob, me, and Amber!

Bob was photobombing Theodora. I hear he does that a lot.

Got all of that? Yes? Good. Onto the odd group of foods I shoved in my face yesterday. Also? Add half a cantaloupe and an energy bar from Whole Foods to this mess. Also? that cocktail you see me NURSING at the launch. Vodka soda with a splash of cranberry and a lime. It was 40% Svedka.

recipe later in the post, but it was a savory goat cheese and corn waffle. yup.

extra thin crust, low fat fresh mozz, and more veggies than what most people put in their salad. I peeled off the pepperoni-I don’t like it.

a REALLY disappointing veggie burger on whole wheat bun. lame.

So let’s see that waffle again, shall we?

crispy, light corn waffles with dots of salty goat cheese, topped with a yolky egg. Could.you.just.die?

Thses waffles would be good with some rhubarb butter, or a poached/fried egg, or perhaps just syrup, but why not go crazy?? You’re going to love these. I promise.

Goat Cheese Corn Waffles

by Cat Tan

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Cook Time: 10 minutes

Keywords: appetizer bread breakfast

Ingredients (2 waffles)

  • 3/4 cup extra fine cornmeal
  • 1/2 cup whole wheat flour
  • 1/3 cup egg white
  • 1/2 cup skim milk
  • 1 tbsp coconut oil-melted and cooled slightly
  • 2 oz crumbled goat cheese
  • pinch of salt
  • tsp or 2 of honey

Instructions

pour all ingredients, save for cheese, into a blender-this makes it pourable.

pour onto greased waffle iron, sprinkle half the cheese on top of the batter, close and cook

serve with a sunny side up egg or fruit preserves, or both!!

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Are you a “Biggest Loser” fan?

Team Bob or Team Jillian? (the new ones don’t count, because I haven’t seen them or smelled them (jk). BTW, I’ve also met Jillian and I am approximately 3 times her size.)

-behold, the rare double parenthetical phrase, so I probs should’ve used brackets, but I hate brackets