Category Archives: family fitness

De-Flowering the Donald

  By breakfasttobed | March 13, 2013 - 1:14 PM | , , , , , , ,
4 Comments

There is a really good reason why I choose to read over watching much network television, other than the fact that I am an extreme book nerd, I am also tired of the bullshit. Seriously, reality television makes me seethe. There are some that I like, I admit it. I enjoy “The Taste”, and “The Amazing Race” is fun to watch on the treadmill, but mostly? They suck.

For instance, I don’t give two shits that Nikki Minaj and Mariah Carey hate each other. I do, however, think it’s disgusting that they’re in a position to be great role models for young women, and instead they’re acting like spoiled children while simultaneously perpetuating the myth that women can’t work together. I hate that the show that purports itself to be the vehicle in which the next great performing artist will become a household name spends its first several weeks cherry picking the most deluded, desperate, and untalented to have the judges make a spectacle of.

How is it that people do not see this as contributing to the bully culture? Sure, they know what might happen simply by being there, but there are also people who genuinely and naively believe in their talent, and are crushed and humiliated in front of millions.

Then there are the dating shows. “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”, specifically.  What a ridiculous concept. A gaggle of women or men, treating each other like crap, talking badly about them to a camera confessional, competing for someone who will surely ditch them after casually bringing their competitors to the “bachelor suite” for some non-committal nasty. That’s not demeaning at ALL! Seriously, Elizabeth Cady Stanton is rolling in her grave. I don’t even care if they’re not actually knocking boots in the suite. They’re blatantly inferring that they have or should.

I’m not a prude. I know what grown ups do behind closed doors, and I don’t expect people to be married to do it. I don’t care about much about casual sex it seems people have on a regular basis. What I do judge is the concubine style courtship that takes place on this show. If we’re going to go back to this particular era, can we go ahead and Chris Harrison and Mark Burnett whipping boys?

Let’s just save everyone the trouble of being irritated with these sexist representations of our culture, and combine Miss USA and The Bachelor. It’ll be like the celebrity edition. Roses AND sashes. They’ve already got the wardrobe, or lack thereof. Sounds like a win to me! Just as how one is only permitted to reign as Miss USA for a year, one will only be expected to be engaged to the bachelor with a diamond paid for by Tacori, for one year. It’ll also have the added benefit/added desire to kick yourself in the head addition of the Trump. He’s given out and taken away several roses in his time.

UGH. NO MORE. Give me more “Glee” and “Hell on Wheels”. I want to sing along or watch Common do…anything. Seriously, could that guy GET any more talented? I’m thinking no.

No more shows adding to the bullying culture, no more glorification of the demeaning of women and reduction of relationships down to giving or receiving a friggen flower–no more weight-loss shows that exploit children, no more CRAP. Alas, I may be in the minority in this view.

Rant over. Pear chips beginning.

Everyone and their brother has made apple chips. They’re easy and delicious, I can’t blame you. I love them myself. What I’d only had at Harry and David, though, was PEAR chips, and they’ve always been my fave. I figured if I could make apple chips, pear chips should be easy. They were. They are also delicious.  I spiced mine up with vanilla and cinnamon, and they are out-of-this-world good.

Cinnamon Vanilla Pear Chips

cinnamon vanilla pear chips

vanilla pear chipspear chips

Cinnamon Vanilla Pear Chips

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 15 minutes

Cook Time: 2 hours

Keywords: breakfast appetizer side snack vegan dairy-free gluten-free low-carb low-sodium paleo soy-free vegetarian

Ingredients (varies)

  • bosc pears
  • vanilla extract
  • ground cinnamon

Instructions

heat oven to 250F

slice pears extra thin

sprinkle pears with extract and rub over surface

sprinkle with cinnamon

lay on a cookie sheet, sprayed with cooking spray

cook 1 hour, flip, cook one hour more

let cool serve

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We Need T and A on the Runway

  By breakfasttobed | February 8, 2013 - 9:38 AM | , , , , ,
3 Comments

Having a good day, scamps? I am! Well, there was this thing where I realized I needed to increase my b-12 injections, so that’s lame. (read:was told to, ordered, tattooed with instructions, berated by professionals of the field) Stupid damaged duodenum.

BUT!! I learned a new fact that immediately made the filthy jokes burn into my brain in rapid succession.

The crack of a bull-whip is actually a tiny sonic boom. You of course know what this means for every rodeo rider and the great Indiana Jones…great pickup lines.

“you know, I can whip it out faster than the speed of sound.”

“not even the sound barrier is strong enough to hold my whip”

“wanna know what’s long, faster than the speed of sound, and fits in my pants?”

Apart from learning I now have to shoot vitamins in my ass once a week, yesterday was pretty stellar! I spent a leisurely morning at my son’s Lunar New Year pageant, made noodles for lunch to celebrate, and partied like it’s Mercedes Benz Fashion Week here in NYC. (ok, it is MBFW) Pretty boss, right?

Fashion week mostly makes me vom. It is the height of excess and deprivation. Don’t get me wrong, I love clothes. I love fashion. I don’t love 15 year old girls dressed to look like they’re thirty, forced to starve themselves so that they look as though they’re walking clothes hangers.

Everybody’s body is different. Some may be that thin naturally…most are not. My body is VERY different. I am high waisted with super long legs, but also a long torso. I am flat as a board and have a goose’s neck. But damnit, it’s mine. It’s not the traditional “ideal” body type, far from it, but I earned it. I am fortunate enough that apart from weird genetic skin dryness and rosy cheeks, I have pretty good skin, and super thick hair. I am also lucky that even though I hate the freckles that pebble my shoulders, the man loves them. I am NOT where I want to be. I want my boobs to be somewhere other than where they are, (like Maine) and I’d like the skin on my stomach to be smooth. I’d also like a size 8.5/38 foot. I really don’t see that happening unless you cut off my toes. (and then pointy shoes wouldn’t fit) Pretty sure those are essential. I also hate my nose with the fire of 1000 suns, but that is a story for another day. Mostly though, I’m ok with myself. I like my skin and bright eyes and healthy nails. I like that I’m not often sick (read *sick* not *uninjured*) I like that I know that even if I were to be stripped of all the physical aspects of me that I am ok with, I like knowing that I am smart, educated, and talented in other areas. (you can’t see me, but I’m waggling my eyebrows)

These models are being groomed to believe that subsisting off of air, cigarettes, water, and kale is what is normal. They’re being told that unless they disappear when turned sideways, they’re useless. They’re not expected to be intelligent, just pretty. They are purely decorative. What a waste.

I also don’t understand why the most emaciated of women are used to show clothing, when countless studies have shown that the subconscious mind of the male is unerringly drawn to women with fuller hips, rounder rear, and generous bosom. These things signal fertility, which of course, is a biological imperative to the continuation of our species.

It’s a damn mystery. Also? I can tell you from having been super thin, it makes you look older. No bueno.

But being HEALTHY looks damn good. It can also taste damn good. Like for instance the meal I made last night. Chicken Enchilada Pasta Bake. Can I just tell you I could’ve sat over the pan and eaten every last bite? It was THAT good. It was also really affordable, easily made vegetarian, and would freeze like a dream.

I use chobani plain in this recipe again, and before you think I’m simply kissing up, let me tell you I am not. I am really just enamored with using Greek yogurt in recipes, and Chobani is the one I buy. (It goes on sale a LOT at Target and is also available in giant tubs at Costco….thrift, people.) This recipe also uses frozen chopped spinach. If you’ve never incorporated it into your cooking before, you really should. I got a box of organic frozen chopped spinach for $1.50. Like.A.Boss.

Chicken Enchilada Pasta Bake

chicken enchilada pasta bake 3chicken enchilada pasta bake 5

Chicken Enchilada Pasta Bake

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 25 minutes

Cook Time: 30 minutes

Keywords: bake entree chicken cheese pasta garlic

Ingredients (serves 8)

  • 5 boneless skinless chicken thighs or the pulled meat from one whole, roasted, or rotisserie chicken, or 3/4-1lb ground chicken/turkey/beef
  • 1 box frozen, chopped spinach, thawed
  • 1, 14 oz box of whole wheat or rice pasta (or any pasta really, bite sized like elbows, penne, farfalle)
  • 1, 15 oz can of black beans, rinsed (for vegetarian dish, double this)
  • 1 cup green salsa (I use Mrs Renfro’s)
  • 1 scant cup or individual container of plain greek yogurt (I use chobani 2%)
  • 2 tbsp evoo
  • 2 tbsp cumin
  • 2 tbsp chopped garlic
  • 1 onion, chopped
  • 1 cup chicken stock
  • 1/2 tsp chipotle powder
  • 1/2 tsp smoked paprika
  • juice of half of a lime
  • tabasco to taste
  • 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
  • salt and pepper
  • 5-8 oz shredded pepper jack or mozzarella cheese

Instructions

preheat oven to 350F

cook the pasta al dente in a pot of boiling salted water and set aside

heat oil in a skillet on medium high

cube chicken into bite sized pieces

stir spices in the oil with garlic and onion until fragrant

add in chicken and cook until cooked all the way through.

add remaining ingredients save for cheese and pasta, and stir well, adding the chobani last.

add pasta and toss

taste for seasoning (more tabasco? salt?)

pour into a 13″-9″ dish and top with cheese

bake for 30 minutes, if you’re going to freeze this…DO NOT BAKE

serve with more cilantro, greek yogurt, salsa, etc.

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Beer Cheese Me.

  By breakfasttobed | February 6, 2013 - 10:24 AM | , , , , , ,
6 Comments

Yesterday, at the gym, the TVs were playing one show on a loop: “The Biggest Loser”. I’ll admit to having watched season 1-3, fascinated by the trainers (I still love them) and the courage it took for the contestants to stand in front of everyone and be weighed in their skivvies. Now, the show just gives me the skeeves.

America is a fat nation of fat shamers. In spite of the fact that a full 30% of its population is overweight or obese, the shrill of fat shaming has reached a fever pitch. This year, the show brings kids into it.

Somewhere in Hollywood, a producer said “I know what will help these kids battle obesity!!! PUBLIC HUMILIATION!!” More likely they had dollar signs in their eyes and evil in their black hearts. Perhaps they sold their soul, and simply couldn’t understand why this would be a bad idea.

When I was heavy, I didn’t wear shorts, let alone let someone film me vomiting from over-exertion. Hell, I’m only 10 stone now, and still do not want anyone to film me at the gym. It isn’t pretty. I think I make faces only the man should see. (British weight measurements sound better..I also measure my sugar by cubes and my awesomeness by how big my balls are)

I don’t think the answer to childhood obesity is to exploit children on national television. “Hey kids, you’ve clearly not been bullied enough! Let’s open you up to the scrutiny of millions!! I am SURE the kids at school will ONLY focus on the fact you were on TV, and definitely NOT why!!!” Moreover, I can understand wanting to pull your children out of dangerous habits and prevent permanent obesity, but what in the fresh hell would drive you to exploit your own kids like that? Money? Fame? Is it worth it? Probably not.

It also probably makes people think you’re a dick. Just saying.

Seriously. Kids are assholes. Not all of them, mind you, but trust me, some are just assholes.  I know this because I was tortured by said assholes. Tortured. I was tortured before twitter and facebook and horrible group boards. I was tortured before mass text messaging and google alert, and there were times I thought I’d not be able to go on. I simply cannot fathom how horrible bullying is now in the age of social media.

We cannot go on like this.

I don’t think anyone disagrees that the US needs to set a better course for our future. We’ve all but eliminated phys ed from our schools in favor of test prep. The food we serve in our cafeterias is often barely passable as food. Lower-income neighborhoods have easy access to fast food and convenience junk, but little else. Kids aren’t taught how to eat or why in our schools.

Tradition begets tradition, and in the US the tradition has become soaked in deep fryer oil in front of the television. I spent more than one evening in my youth, eating french fries while watching “Full House.” (insert daydreams about Uncle Jesse here) I am trying to do better by my children. I want them to appreciate movement. I want them to love the strength and energy the right foods gives them. I don’t want them tortured at school.

What do you think about weight-loss shows featuring kids?

Ok. Rant over.

Happier subject.

Cheese. Beer. together. Happiest marriage ever.

Even better? It doesn’t have to be absurdly unhealthy.

I grew up on the southern classic “pimento cheese”. It’s an amalgam of mayonnaise, cheddar cheese, butter, pimentos, and an asston of salt. Needless to say, it’s effing ridiculously delicious. I used to LOVE pimento cheese spread on bread, fried, and topped with potato chips after frying. Fried on cheese on butter on chips. What could be bad? Sure, one bite could give you a coronary, but you’d die happy.

Nowadays, that’s a once a year treat. That doesn’t mean I don’t crave it like Sarah Palin craves relevancy. I just don’t eat it. I find substitutes.

There is another hillbilly classic that not as many people know about, but is still absurdly yummy.

Beer Cheese Spread.

Typically made with an amber beer, cream cheese, full-fat cheddar, and mustard, it is decadent and heavenly. It’s also much easier to make less calorically dense. Using 2% plain chobani for the cream cheese, Guinness for the beer, and a reduced fat cheddar. I swear, you’re mixing it with beer, don’t freak, it still tastes fab.

It also makes a killer grilled cheese.

Beer Cheese Spread with Chobani

beer cheese spread

beer cheese spread 2

Beer Cheese Spread with Chobani

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: (rest time) overnight

Keywords: appetizer breakfast condiment entree sandwich side snack vegetarian soy-free nut-free cheese

Ingredients (1 1/2 cups)

  • 8 oz reduced fat cheddar (hand shredded)
  • 4 oz flat guinness
  • 3 tbsp 2% plain chobani
  • 2 cloves roasted garlic
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp black pepper
  • 1/2 tsp dry mustard
  • several generous dashes of Frank’s Red Hot
  • dash Worcestershire sauce
  • 1/4 tsp chipotle powder

Instructions

stir all ingredients together and refrigerate at least 8 hours

serve with crackers, as a grilled cheese, add to an omelet, eat on a cold sandwich with lettuce and tomato

hollow out a roma tomato and broil it inside (350F 15 minutes)

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Inbreeding Princes Play FlipCup

  By breakfasttobed | February 4, 2013 - 11:47 AM | , , , ,
12 Comments

This morning’s post was saved from being another rant-driven diatribe railing against the the whimsies of others by my daughter.

That Peanut is hilarious and can swing anyone’s mood.  Twenty minutes in her presence when she’s of good cheer, and you’ll immediately be swept into her bubble of happiness.

Instead, I’m going to talk about some of the more unconventional or perhaps better, *unpopular* workouts I love.

I don’t think it would come of any surprise to you scamps that I’ve had my fair share of educational experience. Having been in some form of academic endeavor for many years running, in both private and public institutions, I have been privy to some fairly odd activities. Most schools, save for your more urban institutions of higher learning, typically have an activity that the school rallies around. Ohio State has football, Indiana has basketball, Pepperdine has tennis, Miami of Ohio has flip cup, and Columbia and Princeton have ROWING.

I excel at flip cup, but I love to row even more.

The type of rowing I normally do is called “single skull” rowing, so named for the boat one uses. Much like a rowing machine at the gym, the seat glides back and forth on the scull or “skiff”, and your legs power your movement and help you glide the oars in and out of the water. The feeling you get from it is one of complete exhilaration. It’s as near to flying as you can get without wings.

If I could, I’d be sculling every day. This may come as an absolute shock, but I love rowing even more than I love running. Unfortunately, I have to go a bit of a ways up the Hudson River to get to anywhere near an area safe for sculling. It is simply not as convenient for me as sneakers to pavement.

I realize that sculling seems to most people as possibly the WASPiest sport next to perhaps polo, lacrosse, and inbreeding royals, but I assure you, it is not. Multi-person sculling and rowing are not altogether different from Chinese dragon boat racing, or river kayaking, or even rafting. The only thing that truly differentiates it from other row sports is the vessel itself. Typically 18″ in width and 8 meters in length, with attached oars and a gliding seat, it is generally the lightest boat for its length. (Yes, I did just combine the standard and metric system, screw you 9th grade science teacher!!) A scull is designed to cut through the water at a relatively high rate of speed. It lends to a fluidity of movement capable of driving the rower to a pace of which one could set a metronome by.

One really shouldn’t wear earbuds on an open river, so you’re forced to be peaceful within your body’s own movements and thoughts. At first, I thought I would hate any sort of workout wherein I could not listen to upbeat music, or a salacious audiobook that threatens to make me blush at every turn. As it turns out, rowing is the perfect time to sort out a scattered mind. I find that some of my best ideas have been dreamt up during my time on the water. It is poetry in movement if I’ve ever experienced it. Maybe if Sylvia Plath had been a rower in Cambridge, she’d have deduced that writing inappropriate love stories involving her ex-husband and a maid with a love dungeon, would be better than the alternative she chose for herself. Success by embarrassing assholes is the sweetest sort.

 

This is the best video I’ve found for sculling. Ignore the fact that it’s a Livestrong video…or embrace it and make ball jokes, you decide.

Rowing burns a LOT of calories. It can burn up to 800 calories/hour. It is also entirely possible to forget how far you’ve gone, and end up out longer than you’d originally planned…rowers need energy. Rowers need healthy, filling, energy.

Homemade nut butter anyone?

Vanilla Cinnamon Nut Butter

vanilla cinnamon almond butter

vanilla cinnamon almond butter 2

Vanilla Cinnamon Almond Butter

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Keywords: appetizer bread breakfast condiment side snack vegan gluten-free kosher paleo vegetarian

Ingredients

  • 1 cup chopped roasted salted almonds
  • 2 tbsp maple syrup
  • 1 tbsp walnut or coconut oil
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1/2 tsp cinnamon

Instructions

puree all in a GOOD food processor until smooth.

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Baby Banshees Scream Loudest

  By breakfasttobed | January 3, 2013 - 9:49 AM | , , , , ,
2 Comments

2013 is pretty boss so far, right? This morning, the Peanut filled one of her new Christmas purses with clementines and started passing them out. However, if you tried to eat said clementine, you were met with a scream of a banshee or harpy. I can’t decide which. Either way, don’t eat what was clearly meant to be a purely decorative clementine.

Today is going to prove to be very busy, with tons of familial things to do and the like, but the thing I’m looking forward to most? Working out with my wolfpack. This is the first time we’ve all been together in weeks, and it was like missing a limb. I got an email in the middle of the night last night from Broadway Baby that read:

“I can’t decide what we need more, a workout, a massage by two equally hot european men, or an all night sesh of cocoa and “AbFab”…oh, eff it, let’s do all three”

I know I’ve said it before, but I am grateful to have friends in my life who value the same things I do.

Because, let’s be honest, there is nothing more important than “AbFab”.

Everyone needs someone they can close out the rest of the world with. Friends who understand their needs, who get them at a cellular level. You need someone who accepts you with all of your quirks and flaws, and loves you more because of how human they make you.

I know for a fact that without the WebMistress, Viking, BroadwayBaby, Gaysian, GraveRobber and Navajo, I’d be lost.  We all need someone who says:

“I know you’re fucked up, and that’s why I love you.”

We also need to be able to accept ourselves in spite of our own fuckedupedness. It’s a word. I know because I just typed it, and everything on the internet is true.

What’s also true is how awesome and healthy this GLUTEN FREE AND PALEO this breakfast/dessert is. Ok, so I dusted it with powdered sugar, and that’s about as Paleo as a cupcake, but it could be honey or maple syrup or apple juice reduced on the stove. Honestly, I used powdered sugar because my peanut likes her pear crisp damn near black, and I made this batch for her, because that girl and her decorative clementines wanted breakfast. This is also a killer dessert, too.

Paleo Pear Crisp.

I’m actually giving you the recipe before the picture, because it’s a process, not a recipe. Get a SOFT pear like a D’anjou because you don’t want to have to fry the f out of it. Grind your FAVORITE SALTED, roasted nut in food pro with cinnamon, nutmeg, a touch of coconut sugar (yes, it’s a thing..you can also make your own maple sugar) and a bit of allspice, until it resembles coarse flour. Cut the pear in slices, core the seeds, melt some coconut butter in a skillet on medium, dip each slice in egg white and then coat in nut flour mixture, fry on each side until golden brown. Consume.

paleo pear crispput THAT in your cave and eat it.