Cloning Captain Planet

Earth Day, mother truckers.

I have no idea how to celebrate this year. I’m probably just going to go to Whole Foods with my reusable bags, buy milk in glass bottles that I’ll inevitably shove beneath my sink, and feel smug.

I turned on “Captain Planet” for my kids. Next up? “Ferngully.” Obviously, I’m full of win.

They’re cloning locusts on “Captain Planet,” it’s essentially the grossest idea ever. Ok, maybe cloning politicians or Fox News Anchors would be worse, but locusts are close.

I may also venture to a used book store and purchase several hardcovers. Because, reduce, reuse, right? My daughter is contributing her part by not wearing clothes as to dirty them to require washing. She celebrates a naturalist lifestyle.

I’m pretty sure that most of us don’t do enough, but I think we should all try to do better.

I chastise myself every time I use paper plates, but buy an insane amount of iced teas when I go out. I do not have a reusable iced tea cup. I want one made of something other than plastic. Are the Dunkin reusable made with #7 plastic like the Starbucks ones are? I need to find a “hanging head in shame” gif. I am such a fecking hypocrite.

Smugness doesn’t require honesty or sincerity. Just look at the Kardashians.

So, I’ll make a list.

Ways I should improve my sucktastic carbon footprint.

  1. use my hair towel more than once…I’m confident I can do this. Yes, I will spend a significant amount of time ruminating on what is growing on that towel, but a few colonies of bacteria is good for you, right? right. What if I just switch to washing my hair every other day? does that count?
  2. buy more used books. I think this is quite selfless of me, really. I love the new-book smell, I’d be giving up a lot.
  3. screw-top wine bottles. save the trees, people.
  4. recycle everything I own. (ok, so mostly just recyclable cups, stuff like that.) I hope that awesome pair of distressed and bedazzled flares are coming back in style. I’ve held onto those puppies forever. SHUTUPTHEYREART.
  5. Refill/exchange the empty sodastream canister I’ve had sitting in my closet for months. LaCroix is just so delicious. So simple. So easy. This is going to be hard.
  6. quit freaking buying protein bars and cereal bars. Mine taste better anyway. Jeez Louise, I’m ashamed I’m even admitting that I’ve become this lazy. I think my saturnine attitude toward the blogging community at large has led me to rebelling by purchasing these things. OY. I’m much chagrined.

In fact, I think I’m going to make cereal/protein bars right now. TO HELL WITH TORPOR!! WITH YOUR POWERS COMBINED….I can get off my ass and bake. 

Oh yeah, I also made muffins.

Banana Godiva Muffins

banana godiva muffins banana godiva muffins banana godiva muffins banana godiva muffins

Banana Godiva Muffins

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 18 minutes

Keywords: bake breakfast side snack dessert

Ingredients (20 muffins)

  • 1/4 cup coconut oil
  • 1 over-ripe banana
  • 1/2 cup godiva dark chocolate liqueur
  • 2/3 cup sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 2 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 2 cups AP Flour
  • 1 1/2 cups dark chocolate chips


Preheat oven to 350F

whip together banana, oil, and sugar in a mixer on high

add eggs one at a time

turn mixer to low and stir in godiva

sift in dry ingredients

stir in chocolate chips

scoop evenly into muffin cups and bake approximately 15-18 minutes

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Sartre Would Zumba…or Think About Doing Zumba.

Trigger Warning:This post is a bit on a feminist tear…and it’s a bit heavy, but I promise, I’ll try to make at least one inappropriate joke.

I had an interesting conversation yesterday with one of my very good friends in academia. Do we as women wear our strengths as a mantle or as our armor? Can it somehow function as both?

We were discussing our various endeavors of the current term, and preparations we’re making for the next term, as well as a great deal about our growing families. We talked about papers we’re writing, conferences we’re planning on attending, grants we’re going after, etc.  About that time, we were approached by a male don, a ranking member of the faculty, and well-respected academic. Immediately, she and I erected our guards, ceased in our discussion of grants, and went about the manner of most female academics in remaining sort of “closed off” from our masculine counterparts.

The moment he left our company, I looked at her and said: “Why in the fuck do we do that?” Confused, she sort of just looked at me, tilt-headed as a puppy, and said: “Pardon?” I went on: “Why is it that as soon as a male member of the faculty approaches, we so drastically change the direction of our conversation? I understand not discussing grants, as male grant applicants are still much more likely to receive said grant, so we don’t want to share that information, but we sort of become more scholarly in their presence, more haughty, more academic.” 

We went on to hypothesize that women, regardless of profession, but ESPECIALLY in male-driven fields such as academia; wherein the male to female ratio is still shocking; that we tend to err on the side of the Beauvoirian philosophy of:

“The point is not for women simply to take power out of men’s hands, since that wouldn’t change anything about the world. It’s a question precisely of destroying that notion of power.”

Because men think that so much of what women discuss and do is frivolity, we tend to become “more” of whatever it is we are when we are in the presence of men, reserving alternative conversations for when we are in purely feminine company. It gives the idea of equal footing amongst the sexes a veil of verisimilitude, when we have full understanding that it’s quite the opposite.

Alas, my greatest desire for myself, my daughter, and every other woman is the ability to not only swath ourselves in the pride of a well-earned reputation in our field, taking our successes with all-due grace and yet, not with so much humility as to be forgotten. All too often women are encouraged to and taught by other women to shrug off compliments and accolades. I want women to be able to be just as proud of their amazing family, their children, etc as they are their professional accomplishments and as their male counterparts would likely be.

I’m a girl. I’m a woman. I get pedicures (not all women do, but I love them.) I’m raising an amazing family. I love the man. I love cooking, and working out, and my little blog. I’m bawdy and ballsy, and I can make just as many dirty jokes as the men without it becoming sexual harassment. I also know when it is, and when it isn’t appropriate. (hint* in academia, with the exception of most conferences…at the podium…it’s almost always appropriate…I’ll tell a story about my first interview with the dean at a later date. He’s AMAZING and filthy.)

I am no less intelligent or less of an academic because I read books that may or may not describe a man’s anatomy with the specificity of a photoshop help page. (Although, with some exception, if you’ve seen or imagined one….though, I did just read a book where the dude PIERCED IT!!! Seriously, why? WHY? Because you like your ladies to shudder and recoil when you undress? Seems like a real Shia LeBoeffy thing to do if you ask me.)

I’m pretty sure I can quote Sartre in Zumba class. If my education is my mantle, and my manner is my armor, then levity is my flight.

You know what else I can do? Add gifs at the bottom of a serious post, and then post a recipe for cake-batter meringues. BECAUSE….

And when I start blathering on relentlessly….

Enough of all of that….I need sugar.

Meringues. Cake Batter Ones. *kosher for Passover. Because, Sprinkles.

cake batter meringues cake batter meringues

Cake-Batter Meringues

Cake-Batter Meringues


  • 3 egg whites
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1 tsp potato starch or cream of tartar
  • 1/4 tsp almond extract
  • 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1/4 tsp rum extract
  • 1/4 cup colored sugar


  1. Preheat oven to 200F
  2. beat egg whites, extract, and cream of tartar into medium peaks
  3. stir in sugars slowly
  4. spoon into piping bag
  5. pipe into rounds 1.5" across and 2" apart
  6. bake for 2 hours or 2.5 hours or until meringue is dry the way through.
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Double X For the Win

ribbonSitting down to write this post, I immediately began singing: “all the women who’re independent!!” (Yes, I’m taking liberty with the lyrics as to make them grammatically correct.)

It’s the end of Women’s History Month, and being a bearer of the homogametic sex distinction, I would feel remiss in my duties as a feminist and mom of a girl, if I didn’t devote a post to the funny, amazing, awesome, and strong among us.

So, I made a list. An awesome one. With clips.

Ladies to Love, Ladies to Learn, Ladies to Laud and Lament.

First: Ladies who Live aka Ladies to Love.

Gloria freaking Steinem. Recently having turned 80 (!?!?!?!) She is a trailblazer, a wonder, a genius, and one of my personal heroes. I am an ardent and vocal fan of Ms Magazine, and hope you are as well. Also? FRIGGING OPRAH!! I don’t care WHAT you think of her show, or her channel, or even her personality, she is an African-American woman who was raised poor in the south, had a child at a very early age, and fought past every stereotype there is to rise to an insane level of power, influence, and wealth.

Tina Fey. If you don’t love her, I can’t love you. This is Liz Lemon getting *very* excited over a spreadsheet. (unintentional and wonderful pun.) Her book, Bossypants, should be REQUIRED reading for everyone, not just those who are stuck earning  seventy-three cents on the dollar of their other-gendered counterparts.  The entirety of 30 Rock is available on Netflix Streaming. 

Amy Poehler, champion of Smart Girls  everywhere. Excelling at awkward and awesome. Have you seen Parks and Recreation?? It’s one of the funniest shows on TV. It’s so easy to fall in a Parks n Rec K-hole of Netflix binging.  Oops? Where did those hours go? When was the last time I ate or slept? WHY DO I SMELL?? Yeah, one of those.

Ladies to Learn:

Lolo Jones. How does a woman go from poverty to the top of the world? When life put hurdles in her way, she jumped right the hell over them. See Here.

Kathryn Bigelow and Barbra Streisand. The former is the first and only woman to win a Best Directing Oscar for Hurt Locker and the latter is an amazing vocalist, talented actress, social activist, and ridiculously smart woman from Brooklyn, NY.  Watch one of Kathryn’s earlier films Strange Days here.

Ladies to Laud and Lament.

Joan of Arc.  Watch a great documentary about one of the world’s most famous and brave martyrs, here.

Benazir Bhutto. An incredible politician, fearless advocate, and now martyr for the people of Pakistan. Watch Bhutto.

Eleanor Roosevelt. This. Her. Don’t compare her to her husband, we all too often get tangled in who is married to whom without examining the woman herself. Screw that. Just watch a documentary about HER.

Though I am compensated by Netflix and the Netflix Stream Team, all opinions *even bad ones* are my own.

Mr Pink Hates Legos

Let’s talk about smart, shall we?

It’s such a loaded word, smart. When you’re little, it’s the word your loving parents throw at you like candy every time you do something remotely clever, like sitting up alone or avoiding bodily harm by dodging legos on the floor as though they’re land mines. –Which, they fucking are. To everyone who says “blah blah blah, when I have kids I’m never going to yell!” Sure. Until you step on a lego while barefoot, and then you will rival Mr Pink for number of expletives exploding from your mouth like so much ash from Vesuvius.

Moving on! Smart. My WHOLE DAMNED CHILDHOOD I was smart, not pretty. I was good to cheat from on all of your reading tests, and I began to RESENT SMART. I wanted to be popular and pretty and all of those things that my odd personality quirks and chubby childhood prevented me from being. I remember trying to gain friends in fourth and fifth grade by writing my weekly “writer” on topics like why “Beavis and Butthead” shouldn’t be banned, and why gay people should be permitted to serve in the military openly. I did this, at a school, in the nineties, in the midwest, in a school with a strong Christian influence. I had no foresight as to how this would go over. I lacked the social skills necessary to see these papers wouldn’t culminate in the culling of new friends, but instead add to my already precarious tally of unadvisable social decisions.

Much of the way through my middle and high school years, this was the way of things. By then, I’d moved into very strict, very religious parochial schools. This proved to exacerbate my insecurities by punishing my uniqueness and personal views by an onslaught of brainwashing and bullying. I was never able to camouflage my personality and opinions enough to fit inside their cookie-cutter image of what I should be like, and that never ends well for anyone. I was an opinionated, emo nerd, with a deep love of theatre, movies and books, and the ones I read so rarely were considered acceptable. Again, when I was alone, birthday after birthday, I began to resent “smart.” I hated “unique.” and I detested “nerd.”

It wasn’t until I reached my twenties, and found myself surrounded by the types of people with whom I was always meant to be surrounded, that I embraced my nerd. I was living in Brooklyn and made friends with all manner of academic, theatre geek, chem lab assistant, writer, and artist.  All of us smart, most of us unique, definitely emo, and complete nerds. We all failed social finishing school.The lot of us as likely to ignore outings in favor for staying at home. We know this is ok, because we are all like this. Pajamas FTW.

We all grew up resenting “smart.” Yet, somehow, “smart,” and later, “nerd” became less synonymous  with insecurity, and completely synonymous with “community.” It’s the community that birthed nerd culture, and will continue to thrive long after it’s lost its cache. We are a passionate lot responsible for comic books, epic works of literature, sweeping orchestrations, and nuclear fission. We may not many of us be able to throw a ball 20 meters, (though, some of us can) and we may not know enough about fashion to be on-trend, but who needs trends when you have a closet full of comic book and band tee shirts? (ok, so they’re not always appropriate, but they CAN.BE.BEDAZZLED.)

The exposure to this community is a reason the internet is wonderful. Why blogging is wonderful. Why it is that Twitter, *when not used for bullying or showing penis pictures* is wonderful. Do you have any idea how many bloggers are gigantic nerds? How many have advanced degrees in science or obscure Nordic literature? somany. justsomany. At least within my circle of blogging friends. Even in the health and fitness/wellness community of bloggers, the amount of them who have obtained their RD or who frequently cite evolutionary changes as harbingers of what’s to come? Incredible.

Thank fuck for all of you. Seriously.

And now? citing the evolutionary changes that has started to increase our resistance to gluten, and the driving need to be environmentally friendly by not eating animal products all the damn time…

Gluten and Grain Free Vegan Almond Crackers

Gluten and Grain Free Vegan Almond Crackers Gluten and Grain Free Vegan Almond Crackers

Gluten and Grain Free Vegan Almond Crackers

by Cat Bowen

Keywords: bake snack side bread breakfast appetizer vegan gluten-free kosher paleo


  • 1 cup almond meal (grind almonds to a coarse meal texture in food pro)
  • 2 tbsp chia seeds
  • 6 tbsp water
  • 1/4 cup maple syrup
  • 1 tbsp garam marsala (I like spicier blends)
  • pinch salt
  • pinch pepper


preheat oven to 350F

combine chia and water and set aside for ten minutes

combine chia mixture and all other ingredients

stir until combined

on a silpat-lined cookie sheet, spread mixture to 1/8″-1/10″ inch thickness

This is easiest to do by covering it with a sheet of plastic wrap and using a rolling pin

bake 15 minutes, cut into crackers with pizza cutter, bake five more minutes, flip, bake 5-10 more minutes, or until edges turn brown.

cool completely and store in airtight container.

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Fatty McFatfat

Rant Ahead.

The notion of butter, the idea of it, has begun to fall in one of two camps: one-elevated above all other fats. Worshipped for its flavor, its simplicity, its purported benefits to mind and body. The second camp, it’s viewed as heretical to imbibe. Why eat something that is a condensed animal fat when so many alternatives exist? Why eat butter when its caloric content is matched only by its drag on the environment.

I find that I fall into my own, imaginary, third category. (much like when Michael Schneider asked me to be his girlfriend in 4th grade with a “check yes or no” box lineup, and I drew my own damn box that read “maybe next year.”)

Sometimes I whole-heartedly agree with the former camp. It’s delicious. It’s simple. All of the recent literature points to it being far superior than the crap we’ve been peddling for the past 20 years. –I’m looking at you, yellow tub! I totally believe you’re not butter. Fecking liar.

Sometimes, I am unabashedly anti-butter. Why use it so often? Why does EVERYTHING need to be butter flavored? You can’t turn around in a grocer without seeing something labeled “buttery” or “butter-flavored” or “with real butter.” I am fairly certain there’s butter-flavored condoms and edible underwear somewhere in the West Village. I mean, we’ve all seen “Last Tango in Paris.” People have elevated the flavor of butter to a nigh ecclesiastical status in the hierarchy of foods. However I may feel about this, I know for a fact that I sometimes place coconut oil on the same dais where most people place butter. Let’s imagine that dais as being held aloft by scantily-clad men with broad shoulders, narrow hips, and smooth, tanned skin, shall we? We shall.

That being said, animal products are a MASSIVE drain on the earth’s resources, and I try to limit my intake of these products because I want to leave my children to a better earth than the one I inherited from my parents. For every pound of beef we eat, 2400 gallons of water are used. That’s insane. Not to mention the fact that most beef on the market is not particularly kind to the animal, full of hormones and chemicals, and comes from a factory that underpays its workers and knowingly and flagrantly abuses the lax FDA inspections. It’s like how students behave if a teacher leaves the classroom. In the beginning, you fear the teacher coming back soon to catch you doing something you shouldn’t be doing, but as they’re gone longer and longer, kids start making out near the microscopes and sharing the top-ten secrets for awesome bong architecture. The FDA doesn’t have enough inspectors to eradicate this problem, and we’re left holding the bong when the cops come to call. And there simply isn’t enough humane, environmentally-friendlier meat for us all to eat as much as we currently consume.

I still love butter. I will never completely remove butter and cheese from my diet. I simply choose to make better purchasing choices, and I margarines and low-fat butters that take even more water to create than regular, all-natural butter.

Let it also be known that I wasn’t making out or constructing bongs, but reading books tucked into my backpack that were banned from my school. Madame Bovary, It,  and Annie on My Mind were just some of the books that my school deemed inappropriate enough to ban. Because clowns are definitely not more terrifying than Spanish teachers. *might be a personal problem. 

I’ve recently completely given up low-fat and non-fat dairy. I’ve just read ohsomanytoomany studies that say that the calorie save you get from eating low and non-fat dairy is so negligible compared to the full-feeling and benefits of the dairy fat. Basically, the fat is good for you and leaves you fuller, longer, and less-prone to overeating during the remainder of your day. 

Therefore, today’s recipe has both butter and whole milk. It’s also HEALTHY and GLUTEN FREE. Most gratins call for a roux. I use a corn-starch slurry. I also use stock to increase the flavor of the entire dish. This dish will make you wonder why you hated brussels sprouts as a kid. The answer is simple: she probably didn’t make them like this.

Gluten-Free Brussels Sprouts Gratin with Stilton

Gluten-Free Brussels Sprouts Gratin with Stilton Gluten-Free Brussels Sprouts Gratin with Stilton Gluten-Free Brussels Sprouts Gratin with Stilton

Brussels Sprouts Gratin with Stilton

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 15 minutes

Keywords: bake appetizer side entree

Ingredients (serves 6)

  • 1.5 lb brussels sprouts, cored and thinly sliced
  • 4 scallions, sliced in 1/4″ slices, ends removed
  • 3 cloves of garlic, chopped
  • 1 tbsp butter
  • 1/2 cup whole milk
  • 1/2 cup stock of your choice
  • 1/3 additional cup whole milk
  • 2 tbsp corn starch
  • few grates of fresh nutmeg
  • salt and pepper
  • 1/2 cup stilton, crumbled
  • 1/2 cup crushed potato chips (optional…may used baked chips or pretzels or bread crumbs….etc)


Preheat oven to 350F

in an oven-proof skillet melt butter on medium-high

add sprouts and scallions

saute until they start to become soft

add garlic, saute one more minute, shut off

in another saucepan heat milk, nutmeg, and stock together, add 1/2 tsp salt(ish-to taste) and pepper

in a cup, combine additional milk and cornstarch and stir until corn starch dissolves

stir into milk-stock mixture and stir until it begins to thicken

stir into sprouts, top with chips and stilton

bake for 15 minutes

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