What Are You Listening To? The Ten Best Erotic Audiobooks.

When I first started really listening to audiobooks, (more than casually) I tended to listen only to adventurous novels with pesky life-or-death situations, a possible Cornucopia, and maybe there were a few young wizards…Eventually, I started listening to Stephen King novels like The Stand, and favorites like Good Omens. 

I avoided erotica like the clap. Both in its written form, and in audio. It’s not that I’m a prude–quite the opposite–it’s just that they had a pretty negative connotation in my mind. Like women who read and/or enjoyed erotica were those women. I am not one of those women. I am a strong woman who fully realizes her own sexuality and fucking owns it.

Until I realized I am not. I am a woman who wants to fully realize her own sexuality and fucking own it, and the fact that I judged the women and men who read these books based on that criteria made me a giant fucking hypocrite. Also, no one BATS AN EYE when men talk about pornography–and this is no where near the same thing, no matter how many times people call 50 Shades or Bared to You “mommy porn.” No, “mommy porn” is shirtless coffee served to me in bed before the children get up for the day, and he’s already brushed his teeth, and the door is locked. THAT is mommy porn.

Erotica is, well,

I’ll admit, I didn’t much like it at first. Much like the action of the content itself, the first time, if one chooses a partner badly, can leave much to be desired.

But then I listened to one borderline novel…and then another. And another. And it wasn’t bad! In fact, some of it was quite readable. Listenable? Either way.

Honestly, I will probably ALWAYS listen and read more to adventure and the less X-rated novels, but I no longer discount the genre, and I can even appreciate it.

Yes, it sometimes makes me blush red as poppies, and I’ve gotten into some sticky situations with them…like say, listening to it on speaker in your office, that you think will remain occupied only by yourself all day, and then your boss walks in, and sits back for awhile so he hears it, and then scares the ever-loving fuck out of you by tapping your shoulder and falling over onto the sofa in a fit of giggles like a 12 year old boy instead of a man somewhat later than mid-life.

Or maybe you’re listening to it while you’re baking. And you’re hearing impaired. And the kids are asleep. So it’s loud. And you’ve paused your scooping, entranced, listening. And your husband walks in. You don’t hear him. He gets quite quite the earful of Tavia Gilbert in flagrante delicto with…well…herself, and he walks behind you saying “is it hot in here because the oven is on, or because THAT’S A VERY INTENSE DESCRIPTION OF ORAL SEX?”

“um, I dunno. both? Want a snickerdoodle?”

Totally not embarrassed at.all. He probably loved it. He probably has an entire file folder on his ipad filled with Jeaniene Frost fanfic.

Though, I think a straight male may write an oral sex scene like handbook plays.

“You see, first, I had to scope out the field, get the lay of the turf. Then, I dug in and made sure I had room to circle the goal. I was ready for the long play–the hard-won finish!”

Sebastian York could still make it sound sexy.

Only, that was a vampire novel, so, throw in something about biting and blood.

So I’ve compiled the Ten Best Erotic Audiobooks I’ve listened to. *and I love audiobooks like whoa.

The Ten Best Erotica Audiobooks

Listen at your own risk.

1.

Narrated by Grace Grant, this book is very sexy. It hits a few of my “feminist miss” buttons, but the narration is so great, and the rest of the story is so fun, that it didn’t make me want to burn my bra or my audible gold membership.

2.

This is PNR that has mucho mucho mucho sexytimes. As usual, Tavia Gilbert, is amazing. The book is hotter than hell, and the story is great.

3.

Unexpected, wonderful narration by Juanita McMahon, and a story that will leave you in stitches. Truly spectacular.

4.

This series is really, really, really dirty.

This series is great. It deals with kinbaku, aka Japanese sexy bondage. It also has some REAAALLY unexpected bits. In some really unexpected places.

The series is narrated pretty evenly between Rachel Vivette and Luke Daniels. Trust me, it does have a good storyline. And not just in the way that Playboy has articles.

5.

This is my favorite of the series. All narrated by Max Bellmore, this series is super intense, but funny and sweet as well.

6.

This series. Oh, this series.

Narrated by Jill Redfield, this series is not only wonderfully hot, it’s LOUD AS HELL, so proceed with caution.

7.

SO UNEXPECTEDLY WONDERFUL. Really. I promise. The narrator sounds very young, but her timing is really good, and you can hear improvement through her catalog.

8.

This is my favorite book in the series. It has some of the issues that #1 book on this list has, but it’s so adorable in places, and so steamy in others, it’s really worth the listen.

9.

Kirstin Potter does a wonderful job in this series. It’s dark and sexy but, oddly, friendly? Gah, that sounds daft as I read it aloud, but I swear that it is. It’s happy hot? Saucy Sappy Sexy?

10.

The heat is as good as the sweet in this novel. The protagonist is so fucking swoon-worthy I may never regain composure. Johanna Parker is a delight, and I think she may have removable testicles somewhere, because GATDAMN, WOMAN!! So good.

What are you waiting for? Have some happy alone time with your earbuds and your battery operated buddy! No, I didn’t mean that. Wait.

Type A (Positive) Personality.

One word: Venice.

It even sounds romantic. Italy in general holds a nigh universal appeal as the most romantic country on the planet. Ok, mostly. The piazzas, the slickly fashioned men with swooning women. Gelato. Pasta. Tiramisu. Wine. Risotto. Pizza. Truffles. Grappa. Blood.

wait, blood?

Um…

Um, Yes.

Ok, not like the bloodied hands of Brutus, or the the chill in the blood of a visitor to an ossuary in Milan, not even all the scenes in Italy in The Godfather. 

The drinking kind!!

Um…

Yeah!! Italy is OLD AS OLD GETS!! There’re bound to be many

interesting characters.

THANK G-D, AMIRITE? I am a very pale, introvert bookworm. I can only take so much daylight. I also have more ADHD than an entire elementary school, so I have energetic needs. 

And while I’m normally more of a fan of shifters, the exception to the rule exists a few places, most especially, in anything Elizabeth Hunter writes. AND I AM IN LOVE WITH TENZIN. She has freaking permafangs that don’t retract. She’s ittybitty and can kill an army of dudes. She flies. She is ruled by no one. She’s awkward and intrusive and full of piss and vinegar. Ok, not piss, she’s a vampire. Blood and vinegar. Salt and vinegar blood. She’ll make a new crisp flavor!

Which is why I’m so excited that today is the release day for this beauty:

I am singing the Benzin song I made up. It’s a great song. It is to the tune of “X-Gon Give it to Ya.” It fits. Just sub Tenz and Benz every other line for “X.”

The blurb:

All Ben Vecchio wanted was a quiet summer before his last semester of university. Was that too much to ask?

All Tenzin wanted was a cache of priceless medieval coins that had been missing for several hundred years.

And some company.

Phrases like “never again” don’t mean much when you’ve been a vampire for several thousand years. And promises made in the heat of anger don’t outweigh the lure of gold. Ben Vecchio thought he knew everything there was to know about the immortals of Italy. But when Tenzin tempts him into another adventure finding a cache of rare gold coins missing since the nineteenth century, he’ll discover that familiar places can hold the most delicious secrets. And possibly, the key to his future.

happy dance. Benzin song. Salt and Vinegar blood! or not that last one. I’m a vegan. It’s also almost Lent, so, Fridays are out for Carwyn. What does a Catholic vampire eat during Lent? TOO MANY QUESTIONS, BACK TO BENZIN.

A good, heathen vampire. Because I like my vampires like I like my moonshine–entirely lawless and probably poison.

Once again, Ms Hunter’s ability to spin worlds from the closely packed microfilaments of her abundant imagination stupefies the senses and tickles the tender parts of the reader’s intelligence. Elizabeth Hunter’s world-building is so uncommonly spectacular, it’s apparent she’s become a standard to which other writers must reckon by. She continually outdoes her previous installments, and Imitation and Alchemy maintains and expands on that trend. It’s not a romance, per se, but everything about it is romantic. The setting, the people, the nigh folkloric atmosphere of the prose and intelligence of characters is reminiscent of the great Gothic romances of the past. Only entirely more badass. With 100% more Monty Python references.

I love watching Ben and Tenzin’s comlex relationship construct itself into something more. It’s challenging to all of my expectations of what a possible *or not* HEA might look like for them, and it whets my appetite for the next installment like that first beer at the pub. I love how Tenzin manages to pull Ben into the most insane schemes. I love how Ben doesn’t take a bit of her shit without giving it back. He’s not scared of her, even if he should be. They’re like this:

Ok, bad example. Let’s try again:

Imitation and Alchemy is an astonishing fantasy-filled adventure topped to the brim with intelligence, suspense, and delicious, yet morally questionable decisions.

Five stars.

Imitation and Alchemy by Elizabeth Hunter review.

Amazon • Kobo

For the recipe?

It’s Venice (sometimes) bitch. Gotta be Risi e Bisi. Only better. Cauliflower Risi e Bisi. Not so risi, then. SCREW YOUR EXPECTATIONS! It’s a Venetian dish typically made with rice and peas. Mine uses riced cauliflower for a new flavor exploration and fewer carbs. It’s so good.

delicious cauliflower risi e bisi

 

 

Cauliflower Risi e Bisi

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 15 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Keywords: saute gluten-free low-carb paleo vegan vegetarian

Ingredients (serves 4)

  • 1 large or 2 small heads of cauliflower, chopped into a fine dice.
  • 1 leek, topped, tailed, and chopped
  • 1/2-1 cup vegetable stock
  • 1 tbsp evoo
  • 1 tbsp butter or earth balance spread
  • 1 cup cubed and cooked pancetta or 1 cup chopped and sauteed porcini mushrooms (saute in a bit of oil without salt on HIGH until browned) (about a large fist full, my UK friends. Or a cuppa.)
  • 1 cup frozen peas
  • 2 cloves of garlic, chopped
  • salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

DO NOT PRE STEAM YOUR VEG

heat fats on stove on medium high

stir in leeks and cauliflower

cook 5 minutes

lower heat to medium low and add garlic

stir

slowly add stock, a little bit at a time until absorbed

stir in mushrooms or pancetta

salt and pepper to taste

stir in peas and remove from heat.

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Move With Me

I am a complete music nerd. I’m NOT a music snob. Just…nerdy. I love love love everything from Dvorak to Debbie Harry. Much like books, I don’t really care what you’re into, as long as you OWN it, and listen. Music is so much more than background noise. It’s the heartbeat of motion and action. It’s the … Read more…

Penny for Your Plots

Let me just apologize. This post should’ve been released last week, but my blog was down for the count with an attack on my server.

Have you ever felt like this after an experience?

Have you ever felt as though what you were expecting was so far from what you received that you’re now unclear as to what color the sky is, what day it is, possibly your age, gender, and occupation?

In a word? Gobsmacked.

That’s what Happily Ever Ninja by Penny Reid did to me. Sure, I knew it would be different. It’s a romance novel wherein the MCs are already married. That right there shakes things up a bit.

I didn’t expect the Vitamix/San Andreas Fault/Jurassic Park promo of plotlines.

Because moms are superheroes, duh.

The blurb:

There are three things you need to know about Fiona Archer… I would tell you what they are, but then I’d have to kill you.

But I can tell you that Fiona’s husband—the always irrepressible and often cantankerous Greg Archer—is desperately in love with his wife. He aches for her when they are apart, and is insatiable when they are together. Yet as the years pass, Greg has begun to suspect that Fiona is a ninja. A ninja mom. A ninja wife. A ninja friend. After fourteen years of marriage, Greg is trying not to panic. Because Fiona’s talent for blending in is starting to resemble fading away.

However, when unexpected events mean Fiona must take center stage to keep her family safe, her response stuns everyone—Greg most of all. It seems like Greg’s wish has come true.

Except… not.

When all is said and done, can Greg handle this new version of his wife? Will his irrepressible cantankerousness push her away? Or can the couple find a way forward without either being forced to step back into the shadows?

What I thought:

This book is titled Happily Ever Ninja for a reason. It’s fucking sneaky, and I can’t get over how much I loved it.

It’s a romance that analyzes the ever after. What happens when the couple is established, and the day to day isn’t about wooing and winning, but about wooing and keeping? Should it still be about wooing? Is the woo even relevant? Can I use the verb woo one more time just to make it extra awkward for all reading this post? woo.

I read it in a sitting. One. I sat down, opened it, and didn’t do anything but refill my tea, get some snappea crisps, and let the tea continue its life cycle in and out of my body, and then finished the book. I closed it and felt alive. I felt vindicated. I wanted to tell everyone about this book. Married, unmarried, single, straight, gay, bi, a, demi, narcisexual. Everyone.

Happily Ever Ninja embraces the quotidian modalities of the modern family with such aplomb that it borders on the poetic. Greg and Fiona have been the face of marriage for the Knitting in the City series since book one, and when we finally get to see behind the bedroom doors, we’re surprised and intrigued. The pair have an amazing chemistry and dynamic, but they also have the same issues every married couple has. There’s a harmony in the discord that I’ve never previously encountered in my reading. Their roles have been so well-defined throughout their relationship, that when problems surface, they’re so entrenched in the capillaries of their marriage, that it’s difficult for Greg and Fiona to see that it’s slowly cutting off circulation to the limbs.

It also makes the decision to rectify the issues feel as much like a release of pressure and new life given to things past, that it makes the relief as fluid as the formation.

It’s truly a satisfying plot.

Happily Ever Ninja

But, it’s also funny as hell.

Greg and Fiona were funny characters before this installment, (knitting needle, anyone?) but in this book, their dry wit is given full operation in this book. A few of the phrases have made it into my daily conversation, but my favorite is “that sounds like something Hitler would say.” Because it works for so much. Especially at random places, like the ice cream shop or on social media. “Oh, I never get hot fudge”–“That sounds like something Hitler would say.” Or “I went to a casserole party and I had salad.”–“That sounds like something Hitler would say.” SEE? IT WORKS. I’m just waiting for someone to tell me they prefer 4 to 6 nipple clamps at a time, or something. Perfection. Or “I prefer to dress like a baby and be spoonfed canned peaches.” Unfortunately, most baby fetishists are underground about their proclivities, and I don’t think that will come up in conversation without alcohol or LSD–possibly wisdom teeth surgery.

Five huge stars. Not for Hitler.

Amazon • Barnes and Noble • Kobo

The recipe inspired by the book:

In the novel, one of the frustrating things many women deal with, Fiona deals with: messy husband antics. In one case, it’s muffins. Trust me, read it.  Also, Greg works on oil rigs. And ninjas are traditionally Japanese.

So?

Ginger-Match Olive Oil Muffins

delicious and easy Ginger-Matcha olive oil muffins

Ginger-Matcha Olive Oil Muffins

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 15 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Keywords: bake appetizer bread breakfast snack dessert

Ingredients (20 muffins)

  • 1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
  • 2 eggs or 6 tbsp aquafabas (beat aquafabas to medium peaks)
  • 1 1/3 cup sugar
  • 1/3 cup maple syrup
  • 3/4 cup boiling water with 1 tbsp matcha powder whisked in, or 2 matcha teabags brewed into it.
  • 2 cups AP flour
  • 1/4 cup candied ginger, measured and then chopped finely
  • 2 tsp baking soda
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 20 muffin liners

optional

  • powdered sugar

Instructions

preheat oven to 350F

fill a muffin tin with liners

beat together syrup, sugar, and oil until frothy

add in eggs

slowly pour in tea

sift in flour and stir slowly

stir in salt, baking soda, and baking powder

fold in ginger.

pour evenly into twenty muffins, about 2/3 full

bake 20 minutes or until puffed and a skewer inserted in the center comes out cleanly.

let cool completely

dust with powdered sugar

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Best Literary Quotes to Inspire You.

OMG, I CAN ACTUALLY BLOG.

ICYMI, my blog has been down for DAYS. I tried not to get overly angry, but man was I ever pissed off.

Monday: Me looking at my blog: “are you taking the piss?! Seriously, ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS?!?!

TUESDAY!!! WTF!?!? PISS TAKEN. BLOOD BOILING.

WEDNESDAY: NFW, WHY OH WHY OH WHY IS MY BLOG STILL EFFED UP?!

I’m now logged in and blogging. My BP is approaching safe levels, and I can breathe. Not easily, but oxygen is flowing in the proper channels.

Now I can blog what I intended to blog for MONDAY, on a WEDNESDAY EVENING. (breathe in, breathe out..)

I’ve collected some of my favorite literary quotes to share. Some people don’t love quotes. I find them to be comforting quilt squares which I can stitch together to form the tapestry of all I’ve read. It’s impossible to remember all of the text in any given tome, but a snippet, a shining bit of prose that skitters off the page and into the depths of my mind, reifying itself indelibly into my conscious nature? Yes, by all means, let me keep my quotes.

Five Literary Quotes to Inspire You

A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.

Who in the world am I- Ah, that's the great puzzle.

Even if your heart is broken and attacking you, you're still not better off without it.

 

 

It will never rain roses- when we want to have more roses, we must plant more roses.

 

 

My meaning simply is, that whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do well; that whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself to completely; that in great aims and in small, I have always been  (2)

And now for the recipe!!

I’ve been on the whole-health kick lately, and with that, I’ve been changing my drinking and eating habits. Going dry more often, making sure I exercise more, and being conscious of what I put in my body and how it affects my life.

The internet is ABUZZ with golden milk. It’s purported properties, benefits, mood-altering abilities, etc. This was one case of holistic “wuwujuju” medicine I didn’t immediately balk at. Mostly because the chief ingredient in the Golden Milk is turmeric, and many studies have proven its benefits, and because when I was trying to get pregnant, the Chinese apothecary/TCM doctor (an MD PhD) made me turmeric tea. That tea tasted like tree bark and dog droppings, but I did get knocked up, and I felt healthy during the process. (If not a bit stiff and sleep deprived. Side note: it is unfair that we end up becoming sleep deprived while in the process of trying to become sleep deprived.)

This golden milk recipe is delicious. It tastes of ginger and spices instead of tree bark and dog droppings. A HUGE step up!

delicious golden milk delicious golden milk delicious golden milk

 

Golden Milk

Yield: 2 servings

Ingredients

  • 500 ml (about 2 cups) unsweetened coconut milk
  • 1 tbsp ground turmeric
  • 1 tbsp honey
  • 5 peppercorns
  • 1 aniseed pod (omit if you hate anise.)
  • 3 cardamom pods
  • 1 cinnamon stick
  • few flakes red pepper flake

Instructions

  1. heat milk in a saucepan on medium until simmering
  2. stir in honey and turmeric, cook 2 minutes
  3. add remaining ingredients, turn to low, cook 8 minutes
  4. strain, pour, serve.
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