Topless Octogenarians

Good Morning, scamps! Right now, my 15 month old daughter is sitting in silent judgment of me, I am sure of it. She has that look about her. I think it’s my “boxer shorts rolled at the waist and free race tee shirt” combination that she’s judging. Her jammies are cute, covered in owls as they are. I look a quasi-homeless sorority sister who has had more than one guy leave clothes at her apartment. It’s an interesting visual.

She may just be hammering out ideas on how to abscond with my fruit salad, but the boxer short issue is a more likely target.

This story is going to sound incredibly insensitive, but it has to be told, because I almost died of “where do I look?” syndrome.

I am going to preface this by saying actors tend to congregate where other actors are. We are a strange, incestuous community, and not unlike wolves, we tend to travel in packs. No matter where I am at the time, I tend to end up at a gym where other actors frequent. It’s nice to know that you won’t be the only one in class that will have a need to break the silence.

Last night was no exception. I went to the local “actor’s gym”, turned the “Golden Girls” on the tele, and went about my ellipticizing. Just as Blanche was convinced she was pregnant, and not in menopause, seven little people walked in. All men. They walked in a perfect line. They strolled over to seven treadmills and got on together. Then, they worked out with seven barbells, ok, fourteen barbells. I had NO IDEA HOW NOT TO STARE AND FELT LIKE THE WORST LIBERAL ON THE PLANET. I couldn’t, for the life of me, look away. I could sooner look away from a topless octogenarian at the kiddie pool. I nearly fainted when, if asked if they needed assistance with attaching the TRX extension straps, they answered “yes, please” IN.UNISON. At this point, I was certain I was being punked. That is until I overheard the ginger one (I didn’t get their names) tell another person at the gym all about the “Snow White” musical they’re working on for television. I had unknowingly stumbled across the seven friggen dwarves at my gym. Apparently, the seven dwarves are also method actors, refusing to break formation/character. Their behavior would’ve been strange for average height people, but the smallness of their stature seemed to make their actions appear larger….and stranger.

The entire remainder of my six miles I waited for one to fall asleep while doing crunches, or one to have a fit of allergies, and sneeze their brains out. I also felt like a giant asshole, because I gave them all new monikers based on their, and not their character’s mannerisms. Before you tell me, I am already aware I deserve caning for this, but I couldn’t help it and more than “Leery” could help his leering. (so, obive, we could both help it, and yet couldn’t)

If I’ve ever judged you for staring….Te Absolvo.

In the words of Dogberry, “yet forget not that I am an ass”.

I hope this breakfast/snack idea makes up for my dicknickelry. If you have read my blog for any length of time, you know I love girl scout cookies, especially, the samoa cookie. I like it so much that I developed a samoa cake recipe to celebrate its awesomeness.

I did it again…only healthier….

Samoa Protein Breakfast Bites.

Samoa Protein Breakfast Bites

by Cat Tan

Keywords: bake breakfast snack


  • 2 cups oats
  • 1/3 cup vanilla protein powder
  • 1/3 cups coconut oil
  • 1 egg or 1 flax/chia egg
  • 2/3 cup vanilla soy milk
  • 1/4 cup honey
  • 2 tbsp molasses
  • 2 tbsp plain yogurt or plain soy yogurt
  • 1/2 cup shredded coconut
  • 2 oz dark chocolate


preheat oven to 375F

combine all ingredients save for the chocolate

scoop into a greased muffin tin

bake for 20 minutes

let cool

melt chocolate in a microwave safe bowl

drizzle chocolate over the tops of the muffins


like any recipe using oats and protein powder, the amount of liquid you use greatly depends upon the amount of liquids they soak up. Some protein powders act like flour in their absorbability. The dough should look like sticky oatmeal that’s a smidge looser than cookie dough. Add more soy milk as necessary.

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22 Responses to Topless Octogenarians

  1. Victoria says:

    I just printed this and am planning to make it soon! I love Samoas, but passed them up this cookie season so my waist line rejoiced but my taste buds were sad. I think you found me a happy medium :)

  2. This looks fabulous. As always. When are you coming out with a cookbook?

  3. Just stopping by to say I love your life! I was laughing so hard I cried reading this. I imagine my own reaction would have be similar. I know I would have been looking for hidden cameras!

  4. you’re so brilliant it kind of hurts a little….

    make me these. now. i’ll send maurice for pickup once i bail his tail out of jail again

  5. LOVE THIS! I am pinning this so I can remember this one..for sure is a keeper in my house!

  6. I am not sure how you managed to stay on the elliptical! What the hell with the 7 dwarves, that’s amazing! Somoa recipe looks delish!

  7. Seriously making these ASAP! I <3 samoas.

  8. :-D !!! The gym can such a source of humor & craziness!!!! Sometimes I have to pinch myself to be sure I am not dreaming this stuff up! ;-)

    GREAT recipe!

  9. I am a Samoa addict and love cupcakes and somehow these seem as though the two got together and had an amazing baby!

  10. Kierston says:

    That is too.too.funny!

    Would you believe me if I said I made something the other week that looks exactly like this?! If you only saw the look on my face right now ;)

  11. MCM Mama says:

    I came here for the recipe, but ended up snorting out loud at your story. ;o)

  12. Miz says:

    you had me when you TWEETED the pic of the golden girls….

    I miss ye.

  13. I am so making these Samoa bites. Just emailed myself the recipe.

    Also, this post was hilarious!

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