I’m going to confess something. Every once in a while, I feed my kids something that is absolute crap. I do this because A: sometimes, absolute crap just tastes good, and B: I never want my kids to end up as the highly annoying “holier than thou” adults who run around with their overly-developed sense of superiority spouting shit like: “My mom never let us have pop tarts, never.” You know people like that say it will all of the conviction someone might use to say “My mother never let me wear a lead bikini and play in nuclear waste! HOW PREPOSTEROUS!”
I’m pretty sure my mother was unaware that my siblings and I played near an abandoned rock quarry-type thing. But, then again, it’s not like they were very interested in close supervision. It was awesome. I’m trying to remember if that’s the place my first real boyfriend got to second base or not….might have been.
This morning, mostly out of my own curiosity, we had chocolate peanut butter pop tarts. I was expecting these to taste like a cross between a strange British digestive biscuit and Reese cup. I cannot fathom a sexier love child.
Ok, maybe one.
Don’t lie to yourself and tell me that you don’t want one. It’s Reese. It’s ice cream. It has fudge AND crunchies.
I was so disappointed. The chocolate peanut butter pop tart tasted nothing of digestive biscuit and happiness. It tastes of 3am drunken snack after breaking up with your college boyfriend on the quad after you realize that he’s been playing hide the snitch with his entire quidditch team.
Pardon me while I fall into a pit of despair.
This is upsetting to me, because I am certain that one of the world’s most perfect/awful foods on planet earth is a chocolate pop tart that’s been toasted until just burned, and buttered on the non-frosting side. It doesn’t taste of cheating seeker. It tastes of pure heaven.
50 points to Gryffindor!
Note to others: don’t make the same mistake I made. Assume that all other flavors of Pop Tarts aside from Brown Sugar Cinnamon, Chocolate Vanilla, and Double Chocolate will taste like regret and bad Keanu Reeves movies.
I feel much the same way about the peanut butter pop tarts as I do about karaoke. I always anticipate fun. It seems like I probably had fun the last time I did it, but the actual doing of the singing and the black-out drinking so I can do the singing, is probably less-fun than I originally thought.
All that being said. I feed my kids healthy, wholesome foods 90% of the time. Even the majority of sweets that they eat are unprocessed and homemade. But again, I like having fun and don’t want to raise entitled douches, so the occasional Wendy’s french fry is also given.
*Wendy’s has superior fries to all other fast food chains other than 5 Guys, but 5 Guys has a lack of nugget on their menu.
*Fortunately, a 5 Guys is right beside a Wendy’s in Brooklyn (and a Vitamin shop..weird) so the fry/nugget combo can be placed in the proper meal. (Starbucks as well.)
Lest you think I am all fry and no function. Let me share with you a recipe!
Thai-Spiced Whole Cauliflower
Thai-Spiced Whole Cauliflower
Prep Time: marinate overnight
Cook Time: 40 minutes
Keywords: roast appetizer entree side vegan dairy-free gluten-free kosher Thai
Ingredients (one head)
- one medium head of cauliflower
for the marinade
- 1 tsp fish sauce
- juice of one lime
- 1 tsp thai chili paste
- 1 tbsp ground fresh garlic
- 1 tsp ground fresh ginger
- 2 tbsp soy sauce
- 2 tbsp creamy NATURAL peanut butter
- 3 tbsp coconut oil
- 1 tsp sesame oil
- 1/2 cup orange juice
- fresh ground black pepper
combine all ingredients in a bag
mash around until combined
add in cauliflower
toss to coat
set bag with marinating cauliflower in dish
roast in 400F oven for 30-40 minutes, covering with foil for the first half of the cooking time.
serve with cilantro and crushed peanuts (optional)