Magic STD Hands

I once had this really terrible therapist. He looked like a cross between Lavar Burton and Dora’s cousin, Diego. He also had a cat who was always perched on his desk, in the file box, unmoving. I honestly thought that thing was stuffed until I once saw it look up at me, find me lacking, and put its head back down. ANYWAY…He once told me to make a list of things that make me happy every morning to allay my dark periods. He actually used these words “you may find that it keeps them from returning at all!”

I know what works and what doesn’t for my inner turmoil. Time works. Solitude helps. Running and baking are good. Reading is awesome. I could Little Engine the hell out of my mood, and it would come to nothing.  I could be days dwelling in the craggy darkness of my mind’s interior, only to wake up de profundis, on the adret side, ready to conquer the day and go for a run. My reason for therapy is to work through the deeper issues that created the dark periods to begin with. *other than the chemicals in my brain that run amok. Therapy is like mederma, only in my brain.

I’m not one for mincing words. When the shrink told me he thought it could act as some sort of prophylactic barrier over my brain. I blurted “what the fuck?” He’d obviously been playing sudoku on the pad in front of him during our previous sessions. Maybe he was drawing funny faces. Grocery lists? His happy list? (I imagine his happy list includes playing sudoku and counting money.) 

At the same time, my brain is given toward inappropriately-timed vivid imaginings. As I was explaining to him that I’ve tried all manner of positive thought previously, including gratitude lists, my subconscious mind took over. He kept saying that my mind is like clay, and the thoughts are like hands, and I just need to give more strength to the positive hands.

Of course, in my brain, positive hands are electrically charged and also carriers of STDs. I don’t want electric gonorrhea hands molding my clay.

When I got home, the man asked me how my therapy went. I said “THAT QUACK WANTS TO MOLD ME WITH ELECTRIC STD FINGERS!!” The man just shook his head while saying “so, not a fit, then?” OBVIOUSLY.

While he was obviously not the therapist for me, and should (given his ailurophilia) perhaps think about a career in pet psychic/psychiatry. I think lists like these do have a place. Especially in goal-setting, and dream realization.

When I’m up, when my mind is filled with flowers and unicorns,(my unicorn’s name is Ollie, and he poops skittles.) and the worst of the beasts are caged, I find lists incredibly helpful. The *happy list* had an unexpected consequence. I realized that so much of the shit I do on a daily basis was absent. My list looked (somewhat–no order) like this:

  • hang with my bits
  • acting class
  • singing
  • reading
  • music-y stuff
  • running/swimming
  • increasing weights on barbells
  • cooking
  • writing
  • hanging with friends
  • learning
  • having a clean house
  • spending time with the man

After this, I realized that most of these require me to do so much other stuff to keep them afloat, but some crap? Some crap can GO! When I think of it that way, it’s a relief. Stuff I don’t need to do, or am obligated to, which doesn’t improve my or my family’s life? AU REVOIR!

Though, I’m pretty sure a judgmental cat-in-a-box would definitely be on my happy list. Think of all of the meme possibilities.

Until then, I cook.

Dill-icious Chickpea Salad

This salad is mostly about the chickpeas, and the dressing. The veggies are totally up to you. I’ve written down which I love, but let your mind go crazy. You could even add cubed feta, or shrimp, or diced tofu or grilled chicken! If you go with my recipe, I suggest letting it marinate for a few hours before you eat it. It REALLY punches up the flavor


Dill-icious Chickpea Salad

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: (depends on ingredients)

Keywords: no bake appetizer salad entree side snack July 4th summer spring

Ingredients (giant bowl o’salad.)

  • 1 cup chickpeas (I prefer home-soaked and cooked, but canned, rinsed, and drained are also fine)
  • 1 cup each of chopped
  • pepper
  • red cabbage
  • green cabbage
  • cucumber
  • hearts of palm
  • 1/2 cup chopped red onion

for the dressing

  • 1/2 cup chopped dill
  • 1/3 cup olive oil
  • juice of one half of one lemon
  • 3 tbsp apple cider vinegar
  • 1 tbsp dijon mustard
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp white pepper


stir together all veggies, lightly salt and set aside

whisk together dressing ingredients

pour over vegetables


let marinate a few hours or overnight.

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3 thoughts on “Magic STD Hands

  1. Now I'm kind of pissed I didn't buy the dill plant at the store. I love chickpea salads and spend way too much money on the premade ones in the deli section because it's easy. Sometimes we need easy though, which is why I don't make my own almond milk...yet. God help me. ;) I like your lists.
  2. Disjointed comment list! 1. Your vocabulary gives me a brain boner. 2. My unicorn doesn't poop at all. That is my perfect world. 3. My anxiety is so awful lately and my Aggressive Happiness is not working. Maybe if you could lay your electric STD hands on me (on my brain, perv), it would help?

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