Mr Pink Hates Legos

Let’s talk about smart, shall we?

It’s such a loaded word, smart. When you’re little, it’s the word your loving parents throw at you like candy every time you do something remotely clever, like sitting up alone or avoiding bodily harm by dodging legos on the floor as though they’re land mines. –Which, they fucking are. To everyone who says “blah blah blah, when I have kids I’m never going to yell!” Sure. Until you step on a lego while barefoot, and then you will rival Mr Pink for number of expletives exploding from your mouth like so much ash from Vesuvius.

Moving on! Smart. My WHOLE DAMNED CHILDHOOD I was smart, not pretty. I was good to cheat from on all of your reading tests, and I began to RESENT SMART. I wanted to be popular and pretty and all of those things that my odd personality quirks and chubby childhood prevented me from being. I remember trying to gain friends in fourth and fifth grade by writing my weekly “writer” on topics like why “Beavis and Butthead” shouldn’t be banned, and why gay people should be permitted to serve in the military openly. I did this, at a school, in the nineties, in the midwest, in a school with a strong Christian influence. I had no foresight as to how this would go over. I lacked the social skills necessary to see these papers wouldn’t culminate in the culling of new friends, but instead add to my already precarious tally of unadvisable social decisions.

Much of the way through my middle and high school years, this was the way of things. By then, I’d moved into very strict, very religious parochial schools. This proved to exacerbate my insecurities by punishing my uniqueness and personal views by an onslaught of brainwashing and bullying. I was never able to camouflage my personality and opinions enough to fit inside their cookie-cutter image of what I should be like, and that never ends well for anyone. I was an opinionated, emo nerd, with a deep love of theatre, movies and books, and the ones I read so rarely were considered acceptable. Again, when I was alone, birthday after birthday, I began to resent “smart.” I hated “unique.” and I detested “nerd.”

It wasn’t until I reached my twenties, and found myself surrounded by the types of people with whom I was always meant to be surrounded, that I embraced my nerd. I was living in Brooklyn and made friends with all manner of academic, theatre geek, chem lab assistant, writer, and artist.  All of us smart, most of us unique, definitely emo, and complete nerds. We all failed social finishing school.The lot of us as likely to ignore outings in favor for staying at home. We know this is ok, because we are all like this. Pajamas FTW.

We all grew up resenting “smart.” Yet, somehow, “smart,” and later, “nerd” became less synonymous  with insecurity, and completely synonymous with “community.” It’s the community that birthed nerd culture, and will continue to thrive long after it’s lost its cache. We are a passionate lot responsible for comic books, epic works of literature, sweeping orchestrations, and nuclear fission. We may not many of us be able to throw a ball 20 meters, (though, some of us can) and we may not know enough about fashion to be on-trend, but who needs trends when you have a closet full of comic book and band tee shirts? (ok, so they’re not always appropriate, but they CAN.BE.BEDAZZLED.)

The exposure to this community is a reason the internet is wonderful. Why blogging is wonderful. Why it is that Twitter, *when not used for bullying or showing penis pictures* is wonderful. Do you have any idea how many bloggers are gigantic nerds? How many have advanced degrees in science or obscure Nordic literature? somany. justsomany. At least within my circle of blogging friends. Even in the health and fitness/wellness community of bloggers, the amount of them who have obtained their RD or who frequently cite evolutionary changes as harbingers of what’s to come? Incredible.

Thank fuck for all of you. Seriously.

And now? citing the evolutionary changes that has started to increase our resistance to gluten, and the driving need to be environmentally friendly by not eating animal products all the damn time…

Gluten and Grain Free Vegan Almond Crackers

Gluten and Grain Free Vegan Almond Crackers Gluten and Grain Free Vegan Almond Crackers

Gluten and Grain Free Vegan Almond Crackers

by Cat Bowen

Keywords: bake snack side bread breakfast appetizer vegan gluten-free kosher paleo


  • 1 cup almond meal (grind almonds to a coarse meal texture in food pro)
  • 2 tbsp chia seeds
  • 6 tbsp water
  • 1/4 cup maple syrup
  • 1 tbsp garam marsala (I like spicier blends)
  • pinch salt
  • pinch pepper


preheat oven to 350F

combine chia and water and set aside for ten minutes

combine chia mixture and all other ingredients

stir until combined

on a silpat-lined cookie sheet, spread mixture to 1/8″-1/10″ inch thickness

This is easiest to do by covering it with a sheet of plastic wrap and using a rolling pin

bake 15 minutes, cut into crackers with pizza cutter, bake five more minutes, flip, bake 5-10 more minutes, or until edges turn brown.

cool completely and store in airtight container.

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