No External Genitalia Required

I hate Barbie. I come from a long line of Barbie haters. My mom never bought me Barbies. I don’t buy Barbies for the Peanut. I find her/it/they a vapid waste of plastic that does nothing but perpetuate stereotypes, over-sexualize young girls, and re-iterate the notions of generations of women who try to force their bodies into the shape of some unattainable ideal.

The only people I give a by for idolizing Barbie are drag queens whose hair and boobs are faker than the dolls, and whose man-bits are realer than Ken’s. (I used to help my friend get into costume, even tucked up with duct tape and hope, it’s still a real ween…also? duct tape is some impressive stuffs.)

Somehow, Barbie has slipped past some of my best Betty Friedan/Audre Lorde defenses. People have gifted my daughter the blonde wastes of space. She loves them. Every time she screams for Barbie, a little part of my soul burns its bra. She begs for Barbie socks, Barbie parties, Barbie themed adult beverages. (or I do, whatever)

On a whim, the Gaysian and I turned on the “Barbie” cartoon on Netflix, mainly so that we could concentrate on our project and the Peanut would be quiet(er). Yes, I totally gave up all of my ardor in favor of relative peace. SHUT UP THERE WAS A DEADLINE.

Anyway, we were glued to the screen. First of all, Ken is just as effeminate as you’d expect from his appearance. (totally making massive assumptions based on appearance and lack of external genitalia and I don’t care) he shrieks, he squeals, he checks himself out in the mirror more than John Boehner. (all that orange requires frequent re-touching)

That wasn’t even the best part. The BEST part was Ken trying to build the Barbie-mobile, which is much like the Pope mobile, only slightly less-pious, and the conspicuous religiosity was more capital-as-G-d instead of G-d is my Capitol, but I digress. In building this convertible, he fucked up the tailpipe. A tailpipe named “The Golden Schlonpoofa.”

Ken kept yelling “OH NO! THE GOLDEN SCHLONPOOFA!!” “THE GOLDEN SCHLONPOOFA IS MALFUNCTIONING.” Did the writers put this in just as a phallus joke for the adult viewers, or are the gaysian and I just sick in the head? Because, really, it could be either. If anyone had a golden schlonpoofa, it’s Barbie, and it’s not on the end of her car…it’s in her drawer.

I still hate Barbie, but am grateful for the laugh at her expense.


I made donuts. They’re supposed to be “grown-up donuts” but it seems Peanuts like them as well.

Baked Bacon Peanut Butter Cup Donuts

Seriously, I’ve given vegan instructions as well, and with the chocolate, the vegan bacon still tastes damn fine. It’s all about the smokey-chewy goodness.

Peanut Baked Bacon Peanut Butter Cup Donuts Baked Bacon Peanut Butter Cup Donuts Baked Bacon Peanut Butter Cup Donuts

Baked Bacon Peanut Butter Cup Donuts

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 15 minutes

Cook Time: 13 minutes

Keywords: bake bread breakfast dessert side snack vegan

Ingredients (2 dozen donuts)

    for donuts

    • 1/2 cup natural peanut butter
    • 1 cup sugar
    • 6 tbsp liquid egg whites or 2 eggs or 2 flax eggs
    • 1 tbsp vanilla extract
    • 1 1/2 cups flour
    • 1/2 cup plus 2 tbsp coconut milk
    • 1 tsp baking powder

    for topping

    • 3/4 cup chopped extra-dark chocolate
    • 3/4 cup chopped nuts
    • 8 (yes, 8) slices bacon, chopped, diced, and fried or 8 slices veggie bacon diced seriously, Trader Joe’s veggie bacon is best for this


    Preheat oven to 350F

    Grease donut pan well with coconut oil

    cream peanut butter and sugar in a mixer on high

    add eggs and vanilla, mix one minute

    slowly add milk

    sift in flour and baking powder

    pour into donut indentations 3/4 full for a fluffy donut effect

    bake 13 minutes or until just golden at the edges and sexy puffy. (only time puffy is ever sexy)

    toss out onto cooling rack

    melt chocolate and drizzle over cooled donuts

    top with bacon and nuts

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    2 Responses to No External Genitalia Required

    1. owen says:

      Great donut recipe also I totally agree with your rant about barbie. I wish more mothers would take personal responsibility for their children as you do.

    2. I had the Barbie doll house growing up and the hot pink car. Funny thing…I was a total tomboy back then and I can’t picture my mother actually buying me those things. Maybe they were gifts that made it through the mommy wall. I can’t believe she has a cartoon now.
      I’m glad to see the Peanut has good taste in food. Smart kid right there.

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