Bitter Apple Birth Control

The Peanut is going through a phase. She licks people. Because the girl also hates clothing, she does this naked. Thank all the gods she’s not even three, because naked licking could get awkward at 31.

Not that I’m discouraging you from whatever habits you like to keep in your home. If naked licking is your greeting at your home. lick on.

All I’m saying is that it may get awkward. It’s like playing a game of “F, Marry, Kill” only all available options are related to you. (btw, the way to answer that is “clearly, I’d choose to die a knight’s death.”) You know, unless you’re European royalty…or moonshiners…or you own a duck call company.

I think I’ll just start coating my family in that bitter apple stuff that you put on furniture to keep dogs away. It may smell strangely, and I may start requiring the man to shower before anything interesting, but it seems it could be effective.

Maybe I’ll cover both of my kids when they become teenagers. I’m also planning on handing them off for some sort of bootcamp yet-to-be-devised to my aunt for an indeterminate amount of time. (She works at a national family planning center…NOT a crisis pregnancy center…a real family planning center) They’ll be very educated….and they’ll taste TERRIBLE.

But the best birth control is to raise nerds.

This is because nerds are celibate until post-graduate school. (runs to buy more comics)

Ok, enough with this. Let’s talk ice cream.

As I’ve mentioned countless times, my little half-asian bits are quite allergic to dairy. This can suck. I try to make it suck *less* by making new and interesting ice cream concoctions for them. The problem with many non-dairy ice creams is the texture. It has a tendency to be grainy. While this is an easy fix, the fixes tend to up the calories pretty significantly. Here’s the thing, the fixes are realllllly healthy, so feel less bad that it has 70-100 extra cals per half cup than traditional ice cream, and feel better that NONE of the cals come from anything refined.

This ice cream is dairy free, vegan, primal, paleo, gluten free, soy free…and the list goes on. The most important thing that it is, is fucking delicious.

Dairy Free Chocolate Almond Ice Cream

vegan chocolate almond ice cream vegan chocolate almond ice cream vegan chocolate almond ice cream

vegan chocolate almond ice cream

vegan chocolate almond ice cream


  • 2 cans of full-fat coconut milk (I use Nature's Forest) chilled overnight
  • 1/2 cup creamy or crunchy all-natural almond butter
  • 2 very ripe avocados (previously frozen works as well)
  • 3 very ripe bananas (nearly black)
  • 1/4 cup dark cocoa powder
  • dash of maple syrup
  • 2 tsp vanilla extract


  1. separate the coconut solids from the liquids from the chilled cans of coconut milk
  2. whip together all ingredients, reserving coconut water
  3. add the liquids of one can of the milk
  4. either pour into an ice cream maker or do what I did, and pour it into a zip-top bag, throw in freezer, and keep squishing it at regular intervals as it freezes.
  5. *you can substitute 1/2 cup espresso for coconut water
  6. *you can use seed butter instead of nut butter
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5 Responses to Bitter Apple Birth Control

  1. Amy says:

    Love when you have gf/egg-free recipes. Kids and their allergies! If only my bairn liked chocolate. (He is so weird.) W/o the cocoa would the avocado be too overwhelming, do you think?

  2. Amy says:

    Would like to add that although I am amazing in the kitchen, my creative prowess is not food-related. Please feel free to imagine in which areas my creativity shines.

  3. In light of her little licking phase, maybe you shouldn’t be giving her espresso. Before you know it, she’ll be giving people a full on bath. Or you could affix a brillo pad to her tongue and call her a cat. Then it won’t be weird at all.

    I’m mesmerized by this cone of delight.

  4. Hahahaha “best birth control is to raise nerds…” Totally agreed! Then they will just lick books, it won’t be awkward unless its a rented book from the library. And paper fetish sounds a lot better then skin fetish ;)

  5. Kadee-Cat says:

    This looks good!! And also like something I’d ACTUALLY get around to making. :D

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