Martha Stewart Knits Her Own Ball Gag

Ok. Here’s my obligatory mention of the cool weather.

It’s fucking cold.

Moving on. Yesterday, I thought to myself, “damn, I bet the gym will be empty! I’ll get a primo locker, no one will stare at my ass as I change, and I’ll get first pick of the torture devices!!” Nope. Friggen New Yorkers. WHY MUST OUR PEDESTRIAN LIFESTYLE AND COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT LEAD TO SUCH STRONG CONSTITUTIONS??

Bitches were like: “back off my verti-climber.” I gave that woman my best “thousand-yard stare” (from 2′ away…so a point-blank-but-very-serious-stare) and let her be. Who the hell likes that machine anyway? It makes you look like a trapped hamster on a wheel. Especially when you add the sport water bottle.

On the bright side, nowhere do I feel more coordinated simply because I can fasten my bra from the back, than in the gym locker room. Don’t you twisters get rope burn from twisting the bra from front to back? How many times do you accidentally put it on upside-down? Do you have an insane amount of front-clasp bras?

Completely unrelated: Rachel Ray is on in the background right now, and I don’t love her, but I appreciate her need for speed. Again, that was a tangent. What I meant to say was that she’s wearing a really cute necklace right now, but the way the camera angle and light is hitting it, makes it look like she’s got a really long, dangly nipple clamp on the outside of her shirt.

Rachel Ray is a secret Mistress with hardcore bondage fetish.

Bondage is finding it’s way into ALL OF THE CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE AND PNR NOVELS, so why not daytime tv? We already figured Martha Stewart made homemade paddles, (with birch from her estate in Bedford, NY.) Next must be Dr Oz wearing heels and tied up with his own stethoscope.

Let’s talk about the abundance of these situations in books lately, shall we? WHAT THE F, AMERICA? We’re not tied-up enough by our own insecurities that we need to fictionalize being dominated? I feel like this bondage situation snuck in on readers and now has a stranglehold on the genre. Nobody likes a surprise spanking. *save Cleveland Browns or Stockholm Hammarby fans…we’re accustomed to it, yet always seem surprised when it happens, and it gives us something to kvetch about.

So please, authors, Martha, Rachel, save the ball-gags for waterboarding. (read: How Martha gets her team to work faster.)

Not that I wouldn’t laugh if Dr Oz did his show in pumps. Mostly because he’d fall a lot and warn of the inevitable death which wearing heels leads to.

Ugh, I switched to “Hungry Girl” on the Food Network, and her set has scrabble-tile decor, and one of the words is “guiltfree.” That is TWO WORDS. YOU LOSE! I SAID GOOD DAY SIR.

I have had entirely too little sleep and too much Green Mountain Nantucket..

there once was a man from Nantucket…..

Onto a HEALTHY recipe that Hungry Girl would apparently hate, because every recipe I’ve seen her make requires string cheese or a tortilla, but I digress.

Spicy Glazed Asparagus

It has onion, garlic, other stuff. It’s super healthy. It makes my LIFE.

spicy glazed asparagus spicy glazed asparagus spicy glazed asparagus

Spicy Glazed Asparagus

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Cook Time: 10 minutes

Keywords: saute appetizer side vegan vegetarian paleo soy-free nut-free low-sodium

Ingredients (4 servings)

  • 1 lb fresh asparagus, chopped in one inch pieces
  • 1 small red onion, sliced
  • 3 cloves of garlic, sliced thinly
  • 1 tsp red pepper flake
  • 1/4 tsp curry powder
  • 2/3 cup veggie stock
  • 1 tbsp evoo
  • salt and pepper


heat oil in large skillet with lid on medium

toss in garlic and onion and asparagus

cook 2 minutes

add spices and stir

add stock and cover

cook 2 minutes

remove cover, turn heat to high

cook until most liquid evaporates (about a minute or two)

season and serve

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7 Responses to Martha Stewart Knits Her Own Ball Gag

  1. Amy says:

    If it makes you feel better, nowhere in my recently finished urbany fantasy/paranormal romance book is there any bondage. (Have you read the Anita Blake series? Holy S&M hell, batman [no literal batmen, although all other species, including rats, are totes represented in her dungeon].) (I hate myself a little for both using the word “totes” and for the large number of parentheticals I’ve used.)

    The food looks delicious.

    • Do not feel bad about the use of parenthetical phrasing. Do, however, say 10 “I believe in evolution and scientific method” hail marys (maries?)for using the word “totes.”

  2. I find you highly entertaining when you travel all over like this. It’s vintage Cat; Cat at her finest; Cat on a hot tin roof. Wait, where was I?
    Yes, your stream of consciousness style is superb because it manages to keep my short little attention span super pleased, and your title. Damn, if you didn’t almost have me crying. I wish Martha would read this, except you are a blogger and therefore beneath her, which might actually go with whatever kinky fetish she has because we all know she must have at least one.

    • are you kidding? she has like, four. I’m sure she’s a secret furrie, and probably does that thing where she likes her boyfriend to wear a saddle and carry her around like a pretty, pretty princess.

  3. Wow, that was all over the place. And hysterical. Love it. I happen to have some asparagus on hand. I might have to make this for dinner tonight! :)

  4. Oooh that spicy dish that will make my peepee stink looks delicious. Maybe you should wrap that shit in a tortilla for a double word score. at least my husband thinks everything should be wrapped in one as well ;)

    And I’m one of those damn twisters. I blame my mother because she was also one. Let’s be glad that’s all in inherited from her.

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