Let’s start this post with arguably the most important information about me to date: I got bangs.
Yes, yes, I know. You’re shocked. “bangs????” you say? You’re thoroughly gobsmacked at my valor and commitment to my specific level of sartorial aptitude that typically hovers right at the hash mark of contrary professor. (One can never have too much black, gray, or tweed)
This decision was not made lightly. There was much deliberation, hemming and hawing, and, of course, alcohol.
In the end, the decision was taken out of my hands. My girlfriend cum stylist cum makeup artist wanted piece-y layers for an upcoming event, and I may have had an “incident” with a curling iron. Just a small one. No alcohol involved. I’ve never been guilty of a CWI (curling whilst intoxicated). I am quite guilty of being so far in my own head that I forget what I am doing for a brief minute. Now, bangs. I have them. I swear to you, every time I catch my reflection, I do a comical “double take”, because I never expected to have bangs again.
Now that I’ve spent 200 words on fringe, let me share with you my worst nightmare.
Oddly enough, in spite of having a very public online presence, and several social media accounts, I’m a rather private person. I am *that* type of person who shares only what I want, and damned be the consequences. (of which there may be many). It’s not that I keep people at arms-length, I just choose to puzzle most things out in my own head. Understand that my brain is quite addled. I live with a myriad of neurosis that make it nigh impossible to communicate to others at times.
Imagine a world in which you have ever-opposing forces riding your every whim and instinct with the force of a battalion of trained assassins. On top of that, you have this perpetual graph of canvases floating through your consciousness requiring you to fill them in some capacity. This is your creative drive, but instead of being pinpoint in its aim toward one pursuit, it’s a fucking magpie in a room of mirrors. I laser in on one sliver of glass and peck at it until nothing is left but the sand with which it was formed, and then fly about in a cyclone of energy until I once again find whichever specific reflection is the shiniest at the time. All the while this is going on, the background music is some freakish dubstep operetta, complete with strobe lights and a gay mens’ chorus.
You can see why explaining any confusing emotion or personal event without time to digest it would suck.
That is why, when I recently watched an episode of “Today”, I was struck an awing sense of “how in the hell?”. You see, in their most recent WTF, off-the-charts, ratings whore-mongering bit, they are BARGING INTO ROOMS WHERE WOMEN ARE GIVING BIRTH. There is nothing more emotionally charged than a room where people’s worlds are changing forever in such a profound way. Not to mention….all the vagina.
I’ve birthed my share of our future, and let me assure you, the last thing I want near my freshly-martyred ladyflower is Matt Lauer. I’m sure he’s nice and everything, and hell, he’s probably seen all manner of lady gardens, (being famous and all) I just don’t want Matt Lauer peeping in my posies. Or the rest of America…unless I ok it first…and possibly vajazzle.
I’m super curious as to who thought this would be a great idea for a segment. It HAD to be a man. I don’t know many women, apart from a few hippies and Ricki Lake who’d desire such a fate to befall them. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?!? Must be cyborgs.
Ok, now that I’ve thoroughly over-shared to the point where i feel I need a shower, and some sort of anchor-repellant to keep them from my lady garden, I’ll make you something from the orchard.
Cinnamon Schnapps Stuffed Baked Apple
Cinnamon Schnapps Stuffed Baked Apple
Prep Time: 3 hours
Cook Time: 25 minutes
Keywords: bake appetizer breakfast dessert side
Ingredients (4 apples)
- 4 firm apples like Jonathan or cripps pink
- 1 cup cinnamon schnapps
- 1 tsp cinnamon
- 1/2 tsp nutmeg
- 1/4 cup maple syrup
- 8 tbsp pb, divided into 4, 2 tbsp blobs
core apples and poke holes into flesh (by using a skewer pointing into cavity)
combine all ingredients, save almond butter in a large ziploc bag
place apples in with mixture and refrigerate for 3 hours (don’t worry about browning, you’re baking it.
remove from marinade and stuff cavity with 2 tbsp almond butter each
sprinkle with more cinnamon (optional)
bake at 350F for 25 minutes