Ryan Seacrest Brings Everclear to Armageddon

This morning in “what the HELL???” Mountain Dew has a breakfast drink. No really. I’m not kidding. The beverage company that rotted my hillbilly relatives’ teeth and I think might actually double as radium in nuclear bombs is taking over the most important meal of the day.

Why. Just, why? Do they want people to use it to chase their bacon, egg, and cheese on a jelly donut breakfast sandwich? Will it be on-tap at Carl’s Jr? You just KNOW someone asscandle is going to add Everclear to it, because…obviously. You can’t just be stupid, you have to be suicidally stupid.

I’m all for moderation and whatnot, this is actually a cookie post, but I don’t think my version of moderation will ever include toxic waste breakfast bevvies. Unless we’re talking a really spicy bloody mary…then it’s practically good for you! I mean, tomato juice, hot sauce, celery….there’s vodka too, but that’s good for your blood or something. I’m Slovak, I think it’s actually an essential component in my blood. Like heme, or t-cells, or sarcasm.

What the heck is wrong with black coffee? I’m fairly certain people have been drinking it far longer than the dew of the mountain, and with fewer negative effects. It may yellow your teeth and make you talk really fast, but you’ll still have teeth, and you won’t whistle when you talk. Also? Coffee smells good and cannot fuel military aircraft or glow under black light. (pure conjecture, but I can’t be far off in my assumptions. Not unlike my assumption that Ryan Seacrest is bringing about armageddon)

Coffee, you scamps. Drink it.

Also? dunk these cookies in it.

S’more cookies..with the marshmallows baked right in. I know. I know. I’ve just blown your mind. Ok, that may be a bit over-stating it, but I am making you have inappropriate thoughts about childhood campfires and that one hot guy at camp whom you just wanted to notice you but it turns out he’s gay and he only notices you because you both know the entire Sondheim catalog….

photo 1 (25) photo 2 (25)

S’more Cookies

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 10 minutes

Keywords: bake appetizer dessert cookie

Ingredients (3 dozen cookies)

  • 2 sticks softened unsalted butter
  • 1 1/2 cups sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 2 cups flour
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 2/3 cup DARK cocoa powder
  • 1 tsp salt (yes, a WHOLE tsp)
  • 2 cups mini marshmallows
  • sleeve of broken graham crackers

Instructions

preheat oven to 350F and prepare 3 cookie sheets with parchment paper AND cooking spray…these are sticky

cream butter and sugar

add vanilla and eggs

sift in flour and cocoa a little at a time, stirring to combine

add salt

stir in marshmallows

scoop into 1.5″ balls

set on cookie sheet 2″ apart

bake 10 minutes

as soon as cookies come out, shove down a piece of broken graham cracker into the center

let cool entirely before removing from parchment

store in an airtight container.

Incidentally, if you’re a sick puppy like I am, teddy grahams are hysterical replacement for the graham crackers.

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8 thoughts on “Ryan Seacrest Brings Everclear to Armageddon

  1. I drink my coffee w/ milk, no sugar. Unless I'm in a latte mood. Also, these s'mores cookies need PB. (Of course, I add PB to almost everything, including my non-cookied s'mores, so you might want to take my opinion w/ a grain of salt. Which is all the salt you'd need if you added salted PB.)
  2. OMGOSH the child said to me RANDOMLY the other night MAMA I WANT SMORES FOR MY BIRTHDAY. I NEVER HAD THEM. completely random. birthday in NOVEMBER. I shall concoct these. in May :-)

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