If I could keep the Peanut dressed for an entire hour while we’re home, I’d do a happy dance.
I don’t foresee this happening. Baby girl just loves being free and easy. For that very reason, she learned to dress herself and undress herself very early. With my son, it wasn’t until he was about 2 that he’d strip. Not so with this one!!
I’m kinda jealous. I’m not jealous because I hate clothes, but instead, I’m envious of the ease in which she let’s herself be. She’s much too young to care about modesty or what is considered socially acceptable, and she’s far too young to be body-conscious.
I’m only wearing clothes because they’re new.
I hate how I look with clothes on a lot of days, let alone naked. It’s not body dysmorphia as much as it’s the reaction to my field of work. Actors are judged by how they look. It would get to anybody.
The man has suggested “naked days” to help get me over this issue, whereupon we stay in our home naked with our kids elsewhere, but I think he may have less-than-pure intentions. I mean, the concept seems a bit fishy to me. Unlike some of my friends who happily flounce about in the Russian and Slovak bath houses as naked as the day they were born, entirely comfortable within their own nudity, getting pedicures, and having cocktails like proper Eastern European women. It’s like James Bond’s personal spank bank in there. Anna Wannahumpski and Nadja Hrcrotch’s are everywhere.
I am the lone eastern european woman who’d like to go inside in a turtleneck and sweatpants. I’ll be Cat Prudinskovich. The scientist who works in the lab and assures that all of the leggy europeans James Bond falls for will forever require extra “grooming” to balance the scales of justice.
Equanimity for the former fat girls.
Losing the mass amounts of weight that I have has garnered me some significant leftovers upon my body. It’s embarrassing and I’m painfully aware of every mark, every bit of skin, every place that looks “off”. The thing is, I don’t think if I had every plastic surgery known to man that it would change a single thing. I have some sort of mental block that forbids me from seeing myself as I truly am.
Huh. I guess that is a sort of dysmorphia, isn’t it? I will look in the mirror, and though I can see that I am no longer the size 26 I was all those years ago, it’s as though the memory of that body is a phantom that shadows over me. Not simply the scars it left behind, or the image of the body I once carried coming from the depths of my memory, but it’s the feel of eyes averting from me, the pensive stares I received while eating at a restaurant; it’s the bone deep sorrow that radiated from my soul when I found out that it was my weight holding me back from what I wanted.
Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I lie in bed and remember the events the past hours have held, I can feel my mind slipping back inside the chasm of that time, recalling the insecurities and sadness that accompanied it.
I am no longer that person, even though that person was me, and yet somehow, that ghost of the past still sometimes holds me at the helm. Maybe one day it won’t be like this any more. Some day in the future, I may learn to exorcise this ghost of my former self. Until then, I can only work on my own affirmations of self-worth, and revel in the delight of the young.
I may not always love my body as much as I should, but I can do my best to make sure that my daughter never loses her love of hers.
it is sooo hard huh?
I look at mine who is STILL SO COMFY in her skinsuit as we call it and just PRAY (literally) she never loses that feeling…
Oh Catty, we all know you’re not prude =) Love your face off and love this post. I can relate a freaking TON. I still flash others with ease but hide body parts that others would consider normal to show off… like knees and arms… I’m working on it and hope my future kiddos embrace theirs more easily. Also? I need Peanut. Seriously bring the bits to me already or I’ll have to shun you!
only you get to see my slutty side…wel, you and the man….ok, and the wolfpack. But that’s it. Ok, and those people at that bar that one time….and spring break….that funeral home….
What a great post! I DO have body dysmorphia, I know it and try to fight it but still hate myself naked. I’ve never really been overweight so then I read this and think how shallow and horrible I am for it all. blech – what an ugly cycle
Props to you for setting a healthy example for your daughter!
you aren’t shallow or horrible, this is what our culture has led us to. It’s sad and disgusting and the only way it will change is for us to shape the next generation of women and men to love themselves in ways we were never encouraged to do.
Yes indeedy, it is hard to stop seeing the fat girl and feeling the fat girl. I just want to feel unselfconscious in my clothes and in my skin. I was fat, and then not, and now I am in my post pregnancy, can’t lose the damn middle, stupid stretch marks and saggy baggy abdomen skin, extra weight, double-digit pants sizes body (ahem, body issues much?) and I hates it. Hates it like Gollum hates a Bagginses.
BUT – I don’t want my boy growing up thinking that these are things to obsess over. Nor do I want to continue to obsess over them.
Your daughter is so cute and every time I see her adorable face, it makes me almost reconsider my decision to shut down my baby making factory forever.
Genius, this post is beautiful! I can definitely relate to feeling dissatisfied with your body, no matter how it looks or as you said even if you got plastic surgery to “fix” what your mind sees as wrong. When I was at my unhealthiest weight at the worst point of my ED I STILL was not happy with my body and found flaws. That’s what I tell myself now when I still have thoughts that tempt me to over exercise or restrict – that I will probably still not be happy with what I see in the mirror even if I were to lose that weight again, which I don’t want to do if I want to be able to be a healthy person. It’s really so frustrating to feel like nothing you do will make you love yourself or be OK with your appearance.
But I believe in the power of reflecting by doing things like writing these kinds of posts and I think that like anything, self love takes practice. I know that I have moments every day where I dislike little things about my body and I obsess over trying to find changes or areas that look different but it’s also gotten better than it used to be because of the practice I’ve put in and also the effort I put in to teach others to love themselves, because I don’t want anyone to be as hard on him or herself as I am on myself. I think doing that kind of teaching to your daughter, to love herself, is going to teach YOU in the mean time as well. <3 you!
<3 you.
Sometimes I weigh myself because I believe I’m looking heavy only to see the scale say the exact same thing it said the week before…its all in my head. Scary, no? Also, I try to tell myself that even if I had gained weight it doesn’t make me any less beautiful or capable as a human being. Some days its easier than others.
Love this post and your honesty. I know it’s hard to convince yourself but when you have a bunch of people telling you that you’re beautiful, it has to mean something. You really are beautiful, inside and out! And I love that your man has suggested “naked days”….typical
such a good writer. i want to talk to you face to face one day.
She’s brilliant face to face, too
Lovely post, Cat! Honest and humble. Thank you for sharing
I do enjoy face talk.
There are so many reasons why I love thee.
xo
Cat, thank you for this very brave and honest post. Even those of us who haven’t lost lots of weight have issues with body dysmorphia. When I watch my own workout videos, I hardly recognize the girl in them; she’s not who I see when I look in the mirror (and that makes me sad…)
What we perceive is so often not how others perceive us, and it is a difficult tunnel to travel through.
Love this post Cat. Seriously beautifully written.
thanks, Christine!
Pingback: Lululemon recall, blogging and #noexcuses
This is so how I feel. Over the course of 4ish years I have lost a significant amount of weight. I always thought that once I lost the weight I would be happier, life would be better, and I’d finally be content with what I saw in the mirror. But just as you so eloquently put it, that ghost of the bigger girl is still there. I have such a hard time seeing past the old me and seeing the new me. Slowly though I am getting there, hopefully soon I will be able to embrace the new me. Thank you for letting me know that I am not the only one that feels this way!
My gosh… do I relate to this?!!! I have so many body issues that I too have written about the possibility of body dysmorphia. One day I’ll run free and naked. I’ll probably be eighty and by then no one will want to look, but one day …