Oh to have the freedom of self-expression of a toddler. Ok, so maybe not *as* free as a toddler, but you get the gist. Obviously, if I was as free as my 22 month old, you’d be questioning where I hid my diaper at least 4x/day. Maybe you still should. (don’t look under the bed)
I try to be myself as much as humanly possible; but I also realize that I do require a verbal filter, and perhaps a blanket for my enthusiasm. I understand that I tend to be a bit “much” for people. This used to really bother me. It bothered me to the point where I would try to be someone, anyone other than who I am. I would constantly rebel against my true nature to be more in line with what people think I should act like.
This was a great way to make myself completely miserable. I am not meant to be a wallflower, or the person who shares her deepest and darkest secrets…ever. I’m not quiet, I don’t sit still well, and I’ll be damned if I let someone be an asshole to someone else without saying something to them about it. It’s just not in my personality.
I would make myself sick (read: nauseated, tired, depressed) over the fact that people didn’t “get” me. I thought I was failing. In a sense, I was. I was failing myself. How ridiculous a notion it is to want to be someone you aren’t simply to appease the sensibilities of people who cannot understand you. Every once in a while, I still find myself finding the urge to act differently than what is natural to make the people I am around understand me, even if it wouldn’t be “me” that they’d be understanding. It would be my avatar, the self-made construct of myself blended with a completely different personality.
Last night I was in training with my cast (people, not plaster) and could feel the niggling sensation in the back of my brain that told me that if I want these people to really like me, I should probably not be me. I should be someone else. I should be quieter, less sarcastic, less of a presence in general. The Navajo, who happens to be in the cast with me, turned to me about halfway through the training, asking:”You alright, Cat? You’re not yourself.”
I think it was when the special FX director told me “just don’t bite down on the ball”, and I didn’t say “that’s what he said”, in spite of others in the room giggling over the wordage, and actors being filthy mouthed in general. Dead giveaway that something was askew.
I just really wanted everyone to like me, and I made myself miserable in the process.
I just can’t do it. I can’t be the perfectly behaved, quiet and passive person. I’m boisterous. I’m confrontational. I’m loud and bawdy. I’m mostly certain I’m not even socially acceptable. But I just can’t keep trying to be anyone else. I’m too old for this bullshite. If someone doesn’t like me, it’s on them, not me. I’m never mean or rude, so I’ll give them no cause to hate me. If they do, oh well.
I guess when they’re mean, they won’t be invited over for pi day, now will they? NO!
NO PIE FOR ASSHOLES!!
But for you scamps? Pie all night long. Specifically? Banoffee Pie–with bacon.
Bacon Banoffee Pie
Banoffee pie is a very sweet British pie with toffee and bananas in a flour crust. I make it slightly less canacky sweet by using bacon as a topping, and a salty almond-oat crust.
It’s about as close to healthy as I am to a conservative, but damn if it’s not one of those pies you’ll be thinking about for weeks. This pie has an OVERNIGHT step, so if you need a pie for pi day, this isn’t it.
Bacon Banoffee Pie
Prep Time: overnight+45 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Keywords: bake slow-cooker dessert pie
Ingredients (1 pie)
for the pie
- 2 cans sweetened condensed milk
- 1 pint heavy cream
- 5 ripe bananas, large
- 4 tbsp confectioner’s sugar
- 1 tsp vanilla
- 4 slices cooked bacon, crumbled
for the pie
- 1 cup roasted, salted almonds
- 1 cup oats
- 1/2 cup butter, melted
- 2 tbsp bacon fat rendered from cooking bacon for topping, or if you’re leaving the bacon out, use 2 tbsp oil (coconut)
Instructions
for the pie
DO NOT OPEN CANS OF CONDENSED MILK
submerge them in a slow cooker with 1″ water atop them and cook them overnight on med-high/high (I have to use high) at LEAST 9 hours.
for the topping
whip together cream, vanilla, and sifted confectioner’s sugar on high until light and IT’S SO FLUFFY I’M GONNA DIE!!!
for the crust
grind together nuts and oats in a food pro until they’re a powder
pour in fat and butter
press into pie plate, going all the way up the sides
bake in a 400F oven for 20 minutes or until golden brown
assembly
slice the bananas into 1/2″ disks
line the bottom of the pie shell with them
open the warm can of condensed milk toffee and pour over bananas
layer up another layer of bananas
pour the second can atop
let cool
top with whipped cream and crumbled bacon
serve with tea, or because, ‘merica, obviously–coffee.
I kind of remember that Cat. I liked her but the one who knows who she is and lives there much more fun. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Oh and a pie recipe on Pi Day that can’t be made today, what a tease.
This looks delicious!
I understand exactly what you are saying. It can be hard to just be yourself because as a society we are very judgmental. We also talk a lot and most people seem to believe the worst they hear about someone instead of getting to know the person and forming their own opinion.
I agree that there are certain social standards that need to be met, I mean who wants to be around someone who is always flying off the handle. But trying to be something we aren’t really does begin to strip away who we are meant to be.
Very nice post.
I’m vegan. I want this pie sooooo bad! It looks amazing! And the opposite of vegan….I might have to stray…