Battery Operated Bikini Buddy

Since losing 175lbs over 7 years ago, I thought I’d heard of every stupid trick and product to help lose weight or maintain weight loss.

I was wrong.

Hear me out; there are some very good behaviors to adapt, and products to use to help lose weight or maintain weight loss; they aren’t tricks, though. Mostly, they’re solidly thought out and time-tested ways of attaining a goal. For instance, food journaling helps me immensely, especially on days where I know I am mindlessly eating. I use an app on my phone to track my intake automatically. (myfitnesspal) I also swear by doing the cliché tips and tidbits about always taking the stairs, not circling the parking lot for hours looking for a close space, doing push-ups during commercials, eating on smaller plates..etc etc.

Those are the things that I know work, and work well.

Apparently, those aren’t good enough. OH NO! The scientific geniuses at whatever big dollar think tank that deals with how to squeeze out every penny out of hard-working people has found a new and interesting way to make you abandon your money in hopes of a miracle weight-loss cure-all!

Enter, the vibrating fork. How does it work? I have no clue. Apparently, it vibrates if you’ve taken too many bites. Sorry, dainty bite taking Brits, you’re cut off about 1/3 of the way through your peas! However, if you’re like the Captain, and you spear six green beans per stab, YOU GET TO EAT EVERYTHING. I can’t help but think this came about as some sort of joke in which the scientists were sitting around saying “well, the shock collar proved too dangerous, what else can we do??” The next scientist responded “what about a shocking fork?” the other guy said “No, they’d complain if we burned their wedding bands to their hands. What about a VIBRATING fork?” To which every female scientist in the room replied “How would it work, exactly?”

Good grief. We don’t need vibrating forks or appetite suppressant sprinkles for our cupcakes. What we do need is food education, equal access to healthy food, FRIGGEN RECESS AND GYM CLASS, tax deductible gym memberships or at least health insurance rebates, and a generation of people more concerned with how our weight makes us feel physically vs how it makes us look in our bathing suits. Trust me. We will all get to an age where how we feel becomes vastly more important than how we look in a bathing suit. When your nipples are grazing your belly button, no amount of camouflage and padding will fix the fact that you’re probably too old for a bikini.  However, as your husband ages, that $100 vibrating fork may seem more reliable than whatever the part D copay is for those little blue pills.

Here’s an idea.

Sweat a little, a lot. Eat what makes your body feel good.

Let’s start by eating some plants, shall we? I’ve given you vegan options for this as well.

Pineapple Avocado Black Bean Burger