An Interpretive Dance on Ass

Here is what I want to do, I want my GBF, Broadway Baby who is from WVA and my MawMaw, who is from the very same town as BB to get in a boxing ring, and instead of fighting, I want there to be a “hillbilly phrase/metaphor off”. It’s like a dance off or rap battle, but infinitely more entertaining. Especially when you throw in the fact that one is a gay male hilljack.

My MawMaw has said to me on occasion that I’ll be “busier than a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest.” You have no idea the way this can be twisted to be gay and filthy….and hilarious.

Moving on from a random musing about how I seem to find myself surrounded by southerners in NYC….

As most of you know, 8 years ago I made the ill-fated decision to have gastric bypass surgery. One of the many lovely side effects of this decision is the COMPLETE inability to combine sugar and dairy and live to tell the tale. I get violently ill if I eat ice cream. Fro-yo for me is 90% toppings 10% yo. Sugar is bad enough on its own, leaving me to either not eat it with anything else, leaving me shaky, or only having tiny amounts.

To give you an example: My friend, Allison Robicelli (effing hilarious tumblr here) makes some of the best sweets known to man. Her cupcakes basically make my world go round. I ate 4979384639460435-2(pi^2) while I was pregnant. However, I can only eat 1/4- sometimes 1/2 of a FUCKING CUPCAKE at a time. This leaves the rest of the cupcake vulnerable to thieves. I also get irrationally angry if someone eats the rest of my cupcake.

Had I not had the surgery, the cupcake would be ALLLLL MINE.

Sure, I say over and over again that the biggest pain in the ass complication I live with is severe anemia to the point of having to get blood transfusions when I am pregnant and ferrous infusions all the time, but really…it’s the sweets thievery. I always imagine my family dressed as the hamburglar getting into the fridge and pulling out my cupcake. Surely the skinny bitch won’t notice if I take the rest of her cupcake, she’s probably gorging herself on kale.

EFF THAT!! I NOTICE!! AND JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE FOUR DOESN’T MEAN I WON’T DISOWN YOU!!!

Seriously, though. This time of year there is a massive spike in people lined up to get gastric bypass, lap band, and pancreatic diversion with duodenal switch surgeries. I understand, I SOOOO understand the desire to go under the knife thinking you’ve done every damn other thing out there. I understand the longing to shop in the regular stores. I understand the feeling of hopelessness when you get on the scale and it reads 300+ lbs. (Yeah, 315 at last weigh-in pre-surgery)

Take it from me, there are alternatives. The first 100lbs I lost was all surgery. I freely admit that. The next 75? Me. By that point, I could eat. I could drink alcohol. I could sit on my ass and decide not to move my body at all. What I did instead was read. A lot. I educated myself on food as fuel and food as fuel that didn’t taste like straight up ass. As it turned out, there wasn’t a whole lot of food 8 years ago that was fueling and non-ass like.

Because I didn’t want to end up in a kooky hillbilly metaphor dreamed up by BB about eating ass, I got back in the kitchen. I experimented, I toiled, I put my blood, sweat, and tears into every recipe. As it turns out, blood, sweat, and tears are delicious. Tastes like victory…and chicken.

Luckily for everyone, there is now a bevy of blogs, books, television shows, podcasts, and interpretive dances about how to eat healthy while pleasing your taste buds AND your wallet.

However, I still think that health insurance should pay for things like meal delivery plans and “fat camp” for adults. I feel like things are easier when you take away choice for a time. Gastric bypass costs between 30-50k,  and my aftercare? I can’t even imagine. You could do several years of chef’s diet for that.

I won’t pretend to minimize your situation saying it’s just about eating and moving because it’s clearly not. You are going to need emotional support and a community behind you to help you achieve your goals. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a state to help someone back from obesity.

If you are looking at getting gastric bypass and want to talk to someone who has done it, feel free to email me. I am not unbiased, but I will tell you exactly what it was like for me. I will also do my best to hook you up with health counselors and the like to help you get healthy on your own, because you can. No matter what that insidious voice in your head tells you.

Your will is stronger than you think.

Your goals are accomplishable.

You are important in ways you don’t understand.

–on to the recipe portion of this programming–

One of the ways I keep the hungries at bay, and keep the weight off, is by starting my day with a filling breakfast. I don’t always have the time to make what I’d like, but it’s important to me to feed my kids, and myself a good meal. Thankfully, you can bake this  on Sunday and eat it until it’s gone, simply by reheating it with a bit of almond/soy/dairy milk. Bonus? Great use-up for black bananas.

Mixed Berry Oatmeal Souffle