My interwebs is supppppper slow today. I find this highly irritating. I may be forced to kick the cable box in the teeth. If it had teeth. I have a tendency to anthropomorphize things I don’t like. Therefore, there are many inanimate objects that surround me that I have named. Take for instance, my pillow, George Clooney. It’s so comfortable and sexy, yet it can’t seem to commit. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE, GEORGE CLOONEY. That asshole generally leaves me around 3 am. The man folk then THROWS IT ON THE FLOOR LIKE A TOSS PILLOW. What the f???? Can’t really blame him, though. If I were a dude, and my significant other was sleeping with George Clooney, I’d totally toss his ass off the bed, too.
I may also anthropomorphize things I do like…and name them too. It *may* point to a larger psychosis I have, but I’ll never know. I prefer to be left in the dark about my own batshittedness.
This might be why I love Crossfit so much. Every damn thing is named. We name our WODs (more on that in a minute) our barbells are named, (I use Trixie and Pixie, don’t let their names fool you, they’re 20 and 25lbs, respectively) We name our jump ropes, mine is Jack Flash. The box I jump on? “The Death Eater”. The rest bench? Well that’s the “Pussy Machine”. I didn’t name that one, I simply endorse and make use of it. Actually, I only named Jack Flash and Sumner (The pull-up bar…get it??….ok, you’d get it if you studied economics or poly-sci…I work out in Park Slope where the currency is not the car you drive but by the letters that appear after your last name.)
Beyond the fact that Crossfit makes me feel like a super beast of an awesome burden, their WOD names are deceptively sweet. Last night was my “#1 I effing hate that bitch” WOD. Angie. Lemme tell you about Angie. She’s a total evilbitchfacemcgoo. 100 pull ups, push ups, squats, sit ups. Just to be awesome, my box added 100yard dash. Because the owner of my box is a torturous mother trucker whom last night was yelling at us “ARE THERE NO PRISONS??? ARE THERE NO WORKHOUSES???” Because he was “feeling the Christmas spirit”. I tried to level him with my 1000 yd stare, but he stood unmoving. Although it is totally ok that I cannot move today, because it was worth it. Why, you ask? Because I chose the playlist, and on it was “Starships” by Nikki Minaj, and alllllll of the menfolk sang along to it.
What is funnier than gigantic, very much too good looking men singing a falsetto chorus about starships being meant to fly.
I’ll tell you…nothing….except maybe cookies….or one of you scamps changing the Peanut’s diaper for me..she looks so cute, but she smells like the men’s room at Penn Station.
These cookies to be exact.