Embryos Wearing Monocles.

So the Duchess of Windsor is preggers. Awesome, right? Yay babies and all? Future non-powerful monarchs being all sorts of fun for the tabloids?

Why am I writing about it? Because the first thing I read about Kate’s pregnancy were two articles about her WEIGHT. What the eff, world? I can’t decide if I’m relieved because the US doesn’t have the market cornered on this idiocy, or whether I want to hang my head because it seems to be a worldwide epidemic.

I think I’ll go with the latter.

The first article claimed that the reason she cut bangs into her hair was to hide the “baby pudge” beginning to show on her face. The fringe would obviously disguise this better than her typical, long framing strands.

The second article talked about how she was “too thin” to be properly pregnant. Tell me this, what the hell is “properly pregnant”? Does the embryo keep its pinky up the whole time? Does it have a tiny top hat or spectator in utero? IS THE BABY WEARING A MONOCLE?!??!

Seriously. The only reason we know she’s pregnant at all is because she has hyperemesis,  a condition with which I am WELL acquainted. It is a miserable, awful, horrible, no good, very bad sort of nasty. I had it with both pregnancies. You can’t eat. You can’t sleep. You feel like you want to be put into a coma and only woken up when the baby is born. I was sick every.single.day. of my pregnancies. I couldn’t stand up without retching or lie back and close my eyes without the world spinning.

Do you know what I want to do to the people who are offering their opinion on her weight right now, as if THAT’S important? I want to feed them a shit ton of ipecac syrup and put them on the effing tilt-a-whirl after keeping them up for 48 hours straight.

Guess what, asscandles? She’ll probably LOSE weight with the hyperemesis. However she’s still an effing mother just trying to get through something that routinely makes you reconsider your decision to get pregnant in the first place.

Pregnant women come in all shapes and sizes and grow to all shapes and sizes. The American College of Obstetrics says a healthy weight gain for a singleton pregnancy is 25 pounds if you are starting at a normal weight. They also realize this isn’t always what happens, and so is EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAS EVER BEEN PREGNANT.

I just hope for her sake she gets to a point where she can enjoy a guilt-free fish and chips or meat pie or some other British food. I vote she starts with spotted dick, because I am 12.

She could eat this, too. It’s got a crap ton of folic acid in it, but it’s not fried, so it’s probably not as fun.

Mandarin and Massaged Mustard Greens Salad
-because you should rub more than just your kale…and my ego.

This salad has a definite japanese feel with the ginger and soy lime dressing, but it is so light, it could go with any main course, I think. As with any massaged green salad, the longer it sits, the better it gets.

Mandarin and Massaged Mustard Greens Salad

by Cat Tan

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Cook Time: 15 minutes

Keywords: raw salad side vegan


  • one bunch mustard greens stemmed and chopped
  • mandarin segments of 2 or 3 mandarin oranges
  • juice of two limes
  • juice of one mandarin orange
  • 1/2 tsp ground ginger
  • 1/2 tsp ground garlic
  • 1/2 tsp soy sauce
  • 1 tsp honey
  • 1 tsp mirin
  • 1 tsp sesame oil
  • 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
  • 1/2 tsp red pepper flake


combine all ingredients save for mandarins and greens

toss with greens and rub into leaves

refrigerate and toss with orange segments when serving.

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6 thoughts on “Embryos Wearing Monocles.

  1. The weight talk makes me want to punch people. I was soooo fortunate to not have much of any morning (ha!) sickness, just a rather steady nausea weeks 5-10, but even that was ridiculous, and the only one who harped on my weight was my mom. So glad there were no internet stories about it. As far as I know. I do not like mustard greens - too horseradishy tasting. I do, however, like babies in monocles.

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