Sad Clown Robot Hooker

“You know, I’m just going to wait until this last debate is over before I decide which candidate I am going to vote for”  -said no one ever.

“There’s another debate tonight, I think I’ll follow the antics on twitter!!”-said by most everyone.

I’m really excited to watch, I put a blanket and beer in my binder to cozy up with this evening.

Alas, I’m going to have to watch on *gasp* DVR. I have training allllll night long. Kung Fu waits for no man, not even the president. I am relatively certain a specific group of my friends are also coming by the training center to make fun of me ceaselessly  cheer me on.

Every time I go into the training center, my gaze locks on Sifu Chan, and I have a bit of a moment. I consider all the possible ways I could really screw up. Bile begins to rise in my throat, the fear of failure nearly choking me. It’s all I can do not to spin on my heels and run out the other direction. I am forced to step back, take a few deep, calming breaths, and try to push the panic from my mind. I love the physical exertion, but am so fearful of screwing up and injuring someone, that I’d almost rather be anywhere else. A naked synchronized swimming event for lovers of body hair? Yep. I’d rather be there. Anthropomorphic Japanese Lady Robot Hooker expo? Definitely rather be there. Sad clown convention??? Ok, maybe not a sad clown convention. But I’d definitely rather wear a big red nose.

The funny thing is, I haven’t screwed up yet! All things considered…(all things being that I’m not coordinated, graceful, or particularly accurate) I’ve been doing a fair job of it. As it turns out, I am really good at tosses! All those miles running have made my legs absurdly strong, and flinging a full grown man isn’t as difficult as I would have previously thought!! In fact, I manage to do it with relative ease, causing my director to chortle loudly from the sidelines, flinging mock insults at the men I’m tossing.

My fear may be unfounded, but it doesn’t seem to matter; it’s still there.

And tonight? We’re working with staffs. They’re giving me a big, long stick to hit with. How on earth do they think this is a good idea?!??!?! Do I look the type to break off a broom head and use it as a weapon? Ok, don’t answer that. I think I’m going to have to start considering it. Any takers?

I guess I’ll just have to speak softly and carry it…

Any tips about getting over the fear of injuring someone?

I know what won’t hurt you….my cookies. They’re gluten-free, yo. They have less than half the sugar as most cookies, and they DON’T need it.  They need your mouth. It’s their de-facto destination.

Chocolate Coconut Bird’s Nests

Gluten-Free Chocolate Coconut Bird’s Nests

by Cat Tan

Keywords: bake snack dessert gluten-free kosher vegetarian cookie

Ingredients (1.5 dozen)

  • 3 egg whites beaten to firm peaks
  • 1/4 cup thrice sifted cocoa powder, dutch process
  • 2 cups desiccated coconut
  • 1/3 cup sugar

Instructions

preheat oven to 275F

fold the cocoa into the egg whites

fold in coconut and sugar

drop in teaspoon drops on a silpat or parchment lined cookie sheet

bake for 15 minutes

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10 comments on “Sad Clown Robot Hooker

  1. that sounds like so much fun. However, I am the least coordinated person on the planet, so it also sounds unsafe.

    I will be sad to not be tweeting w/ you during the debate tonight!

  2. I am so thrilled that Carla introduced me to you! SOOOOOOOOOOO funny! OK, I am clueless so often to Carla’s words & now here.. what is dessicated coconut???

    I will be watching the debate – OMG – I hope I don’t have to move to Canada, as much as I like it, after the election!

  3. LOL! Once again I’m laughing out loud at one of your posts. You truly light up my day with your sarcasm and wit… I think that if we were ever to meet in real life, we’d spend too much time trying to “out sarcasm” each other.

    I’m sick and tired of politics, political ads, debates, and news reports about all of the above. I want the left to win, but geez, there’s only so many times I can hear about “Jo Blow voted to kick puppies” and “Mo Schmo doesn’t like ice cream and that makes him a bad president” before I want to dig my eardrums out with a dull ice pick.

    Can’t wait to try this recipe, it looks delish!

  4. Pretend your staff is a light saber or something and that you’ll win a smooch from Liam Neeson if you take out your opponent. I know nothing of your sport, but I’ll always find a way to get Liam into my vision! And I do all the debates on Twitter – definitely more fun.

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