Pandas Go Balls To The Wall

I cannot lift my arms higher than chest level. I don’t think I’ll be able to sit down on a seat lower than hip level for a week. I plan on drinking no water and eating no fiber for the foreseeable future.

I am currently regretting my choice of clothing, as I am wearing legwarmers that I constantly feel the need to adjust. DAMN YOU FASHION!!!!!

Yesterday afternoon, I went with the GraveRobber, the Viking, and the Navajo, to Crossfit AND PowerYoga.  (BroadwayBaby and Gaysian were at some sort of white party for really fancy gay people…I was, of course, obscenely jealous.)

Crossfit was a new and improved SUPERhero WOD. I felt like I was taking a USMC PFT on STEROIDS. Have you ever thrown a very large ball against a wall, over your head, after deadlifting, and powering 6 flights of stairs? No? Did you then follow it up with pull ups and clean and jerks? No? That’s because you are SMART. Guess who’s not? The dumb bitch whose blog you’re currently reading.

I had no idea this would be the workout of the day. Had I, I’d probably taken more time to kiss my children goodbye, because I don’t think I’ll be able to bend over to kiss them again until they’re teenagers. Even the ever stalwart Viking and Navajo were crying like little girls this morning. The Navajo text me first thing this morning saying: “I’m ready for my reincarnation, this body’s toast. I’m coming back as a heron or something.” Of course I replied “dear Lord, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far, far, away from here.” (BTW, the Navajo is a former Navy Blue Angel, and not unaccustomed to pain…he’s also Buddhist, hence the reincarnation thing.) The Viking? let’s just say he won’t be pillaging or conquering any new lands any time soon. Funnily enough, the only person who didn’t text anyone about their pains was the GraveRobber. I think it’s because she’s doing the only sensible thing, and she’s still asleep.

I of course text no one, and instead saved my kvetching for all of you.

Point number two on the list of reasons that me and mine are dumb as rocks, we went to POWER yoga instead of “happy don’t wish you’re going to die” yoga after Crossfit. Do you know what you shouldn’t do after wall balls and enough dead lifts to make you go cross-eyed from pain? HOLD CROW POSE. (a headstand with your knees rested upon your elbows…don’t ask me why it’s called crow pose…it’s probably because they didn’t want to name it “why the eff are you doing this?” pose.) Your body is designed to drink beer and sleep after Crossfit. Although, if you follow the crossfit craze into paleo dieting, you should also be eating PANDA, as the original cavemen did.

WHO COULD EAT A PANDA?!?!?! Seriously, if you eat a panda, you deserve your extinction…or relegation to stupid car insurance commercials that make people want to go back in time to kick you into your own fire pit. Don’t worry, even a caveman could do it. Do you know what pandas do? They eat bamboo shoots and practice kung-fu.

Very long story short, I’m going to require the services of a home health aid today. I’m also going to require beer; and possibly someone to hold my kindle for me.

*amended* just received text from GraveRobber, she’ll be requiring a home health aid as well.

The nurse can feed me snacks in bed. Ok, she may not feed me *this* snack, as I made it for the Captain and his playdate today, but it’s awesome and I hope everyone loves it.

For your approval and yumminess…

Apples and Spice Panda Puppy Chow.

Ok Ok, it’s just apples and spice puppy chow.