My daughter has a new favorite game. The Peanut now likes to pull down her pants and diaper, and run around with them at her ankles, cackling until someone chases and catches her and pulls them up. This is apparently the funniest thing in the whole world and never gets old.
The Captain used to strip himself completely and run around the house, peeing in corners. I think I like the Peanut’s version better. Less messy clean up. Both of my children prefer less to more clothing. I sincerely do not know how they are mine, as I prefer to wear a parka, jeans, boots, a hat, scarf, gloves, and legwarmers everywhere. I look very strange at the gym…and don’t get me started on how difficult it is to take a shower that way.
TMI AHEAD. (ok, that was mostly for Meghann)
It just takes a lot of work to keep up appearances that allow for less clothing. Women are under pressure to be waxed, tugged, spanxed, made-up, perfumed, tight in some areas, soft in others, clad in what’s fashionable, and often uncomfortable.
I am so tired of keeping it up. I am tired of having the hair above my eyes tweezed by an angry eastern European woman telling me that I, as another Eastern European woman, need to come in more often to keep from looking like Borat. Last night, I sat with a mask made of cucumber and hellfire on my face for 45 minutes so that my pores continue to remain small. My late night snack was a tomato and lettuce salad with almost no dressing. (Ok, to be fair, it was kind of boss. DAMN, that tomato…heaven.) I sometimes have to take ambien to get my damned beauty sleep, and last night I fell asleep so fast, I got nary a sedative text out. I think my friends are terribly disappointed. You never know what I’m going to say on my PUBLIC blog….imagine what I’d say high as a kite, and to close friends.
I’d also like to know who decided that women’s bodies need to be the equivalent of sphinx cats? Do you know what it’s like to get your arms waxed every other week? Under your arms? SOMEWHERE HOT WAX WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE???? It’s an hour+ torture session every other week. I will admit it is fun to try to make the hair removal tech very uncomfortable. It’s also easy as hell. Ask questions…lots of questions. It’s especially hilarious if their English isn’t fantastic, and you throw around words like “lady flower”, “love button”, and “pit slits”. For those of you who don’t know what a pit slit is, it’s that place in the front where you can see the crease of your underarm from the front. Very near the front bra fat patch.
It’s just so sad that I know I’ll continue to endure this repeated embarrassment. Because it’s expected. Sadder yet is that I expect it. I can’t imagine having hair on my legs, or a unibrow. I can’t imagine not having smooth arms, or mascara. I simply do not want us to end up like the fine people of Panem, and turn ourselves into cat looking mother truckers with pink hair and whiskers.
I AM serious, though, if one more tech asks me if I want to add jewels to any area other than my ears, I’m going to run around the spa playing the Peanut’s game…only I’ll be SCREAMING.
Speaking of going nuts…want to go butternuts with me? Lame segue, I know. Deal.
It’s butternut squash season. Butternut squash is delicious. When you puree it, it can be an elegant side dish, delicious breakfast, or bowl of awesome that your 17 month old devours like.a.boss.
Maple Chipotle Butternut Squash Puree
Maple Chipotle Butternut Squash Puree
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour
Ingredients
- one large or two smallish butternut squash
- 1 tsp chipotle powder
- 1/3 cup maple syrup
- 1/3 cup coconut milk (not canned)
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 10 cracks fresh pepper
- 1 tbsp coconut oil or coconut butter
Instructions
preheat oven to 350F
wash squash and pierce with the tip of a paring knife four or five times
roast for 1 hour or until soft
halve and scoop out seeds
discard seeds and scoop out meat into a food processor, discarding skin
add remaining ingredients to food processor and puree until smooth.
I was going to say this post reminded me of hunger games until you flat out beat me to it
bahaha! You know you want to bejewel your bu— I’ll stop there.
What is this cucumber mask!? I need! The pores on my nose have gotten larger ever since the clarisonic came into my life. ummm wtf!? my fresh mask is fab for softening and clearing but not for ze pores.
and you already know how i feel about pantslessness =)
Willa!! Love it!! I also like a few masks from Freeman, and a few from Kiehl’s.
I love that the first two paragraphs came before a TMI warning.
well, to be fair, ALL babies like to be nekkid.
I just wanted to say how delighted i am i found your blog! I was looking for healthiness inspiration and got so much more! I do not think i have ever laughed this much-coffee coming out through the nose much!- while reading a blog!
By the way, this puree looks delicious!
Thank you!!!!
I haaaaate getting waxed, and I only do lip & brow. I am cringing at the thought of underarms. I used to wax in the lady-flower adjacent area, but have given that up as ridiculous for the time being. I am glad that I am in a profession where no one ever sees me, so I do not have to worry about being seen. In all fairness, though, even if I were waxed and made up and spanxed, I will still not be as attractive as you, so our professions probably suit us.
Also – I love squash. Yum.
Oh, is that how you cut squash without almost losing a hand? I’d almost sworn off because they’re like Rubik’s cubes to me, but I love butternut squash.
It IS!! Soooo much easier that way.
I’ve never had my underarms waxed! I don’t wanna! I did get my eyebrows done yesterday though…I’m a big baby.
Squash purée looks great!
That first paragraph makes me thank the lord I don’t have kids. LOL.
Agree with all of this lol it’s such a pain to be groomed all the time. I stopped dyeing my hair at the salon because I got fed up with sitting in a chair for so many hours. I’ll probably return to the torture chair eventually because face it ,that is just what we do. We deal with a lot of pain, spend a lot of time, and experience embarrassing situations (waxing your hoo ha) because we are Women and that’s just how we roll.
This post is so funny! I feel like Bigfoot when I am unshaven or unwaxes- who’s fault is it that I’m Irish, French, and Italian…I’m SUPPOSED to be hairy.