Peeing on Trees with Flying Cows.

We all have days where we pretty much feel like we suck at life. Having MDD (major depressive disorder) and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) I probably have more than the average person.

Yesterday started out as one of those days. I really had a “screw all and screw me” attitude about me, that’s for sure. The donuts, while delicious, really didn’t help. That’s not to say I didn’t have one…

Somehow, before I even know there is an issue in my brain that needs addressing, the Captain is on high alert. He just knows that something is off with Momma. He immediately goes into “I am crazy and am going to make Momma laugh and giggle if it turns me purple!” And it breaks my heart.

I absolutely don’t want him knowing that I am sad, however insane that sounds. I realize kids are damned perceptive creatures, and they are able to pick up on tiniest clues. That doesn’t mean I give in easily. I feign a bright attitude, smile broadly, make donuts. All the while, the Captain is asking me “Why are you so sad, Momma?” and leaning on my leg.

I don’t want him to feel the need to comfort me. I want him to only feel utter joy for life, however unrealistic that is. I don’t want him to have to comfort me, even if it works.

What does the child of an actor do to cheer up his Mom? He recites Mitch Hedberg jokes and makes his own “mitch” jokes.

“I have a king size bed, I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.”

and his own…

“There was a horse on the moon, and the farmer said “why are you on the moon? go back the farm with the jumping cow.”

And then I swelled with pride. He’ll be making Kardashian jokes in no time.

If you ask him what makes him happy, he’s blunt and honest with you. He doesn’t spew platitudes about laughter, and world peace, he just answers.

“I really like the Mickey Mouse Clubhose, the play park, and peeing on trees.”

is that all, buddy?

“No. I like stickers and noodles”

Does anything make you sad?

“time-outs, and when we leave the park”

He’s absolutely speaking true. He could dance and play at the park for hours. He loves watching Mitch with me on YouTube. He hates trying on clothes. (so do I) And a look of complete disappointment crosses his face when he runs out of soup in his bowl. (again, me too.)

I am trying desperately to grasp onto life like that. To grab it by its maw and suck the breath out of it. To take the out-of-order-escalator-made-temporarily-into-stairs to jump on top of my happiness. Every day he guzzles down life to the last drop. I am desperately searching for how I can do the same. Stupid darkness and depression be damned.

If I could only get my brain to comply.

Maybe a bit more Vitamin D…aka “the happy vitamin”. It’s called this because of its ability to combat depression. Vitamin D is found naturally in so few things. Fortunately, mushrooms are one of them. Vitamin D is a FAT¬†soluble¬†vitamin, so you MUST eat it WITH fat to absorb its goodness. I love using coconut oil, but with mushrooms it’s simply gross. I also wanted some added flavor, and a bit of saturated fat from a grass fed source, to amp up the yum factor without becoming¬†unnecessarily unhealthy.

Mushroom Pancetta Bruschetta

 

 

Mushroom Pancetta Bruschetta

by Cat Tan

Keywords: appetizer side snack

Ingredients

  • 10 oz white mushrooms, quartered
  • 5 slices pancetta
  • 2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
  • 1 tbsp dijon mustard
  • 1/2 tsp herbs de provence
  • salt and pepper
  • 10 leaves of basil, sliced into strips
  • sliced baguette

Instructions

fry the bacon in a pan and pull them out, leaving the fat in the pan. (it will be very little, as pancetta is sliced very thin)

toss in the mushrooms and saute until caramelized

add mustard, vinegar, salt, pepper, and herbs

cook on more minute

turn off heat, toss in basil

serve over pancetta and bread

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23 Responses to Peeing on Trees with Flying Cows.

  1. Jane says:

    “I am trying desperately to grasp onto life like that. To grab it by its maw and suck the breath out of it. To take the out-of-order-escalator-made-temporarily-into-stairs to jump on top of my happiness. Every day he guzzles down life to the last drop. I am desperately searching for how I can do the same. Stupid darkness and depression be damned.
    If I could only get my brain to comply.”

    Um. Yes. All of this. This is what I’ve been struggling with for the past THREE years. You summed it up perfectly and almost brought me to tears.
    We will battle this shitty depression skank together. You may have to start by peeing on some trees – the Captain might be onto something.

  2. Jenn says:

    The day they discussed bioavalibity of nutrients and fat assisted absorption in nutrition class was a happy day for me. I nearly kicked out my chair and screamed “cheese on everything!!!!!!!!!” and did a little jig.

    The bit d pill con cafe I downed 5 minutes ago was one of my less intelligent moments though. Come make me this. Bring the ankle biters. The end.

  3. Jenn says:

    AS if two comments isn’t enough. Here’s a third. I love you betch

  4. Amy says:

    I almost didn’t click on this post becausr, ewww, mushrooms! Slimy death! But I’m glad I did, because I feel you, sister. I do not have MDD (although my father did), but instead have (well-managed until year of stress + post-partum issues) bi-polor + anxiety (and a little stress-induced OCD to make things fun).

    I am so worried about not being the best & happiest Amy I can be for my little growing bean, hence my Aggressive Happiness ™ project + new meds. I do think you are super awesome. Super.

  5. Kierston says:

    Your vitamin D source sure put a smile on my face! Pinning for later eats :)

  6. Kids are perceptive beyond words. When AJ gets sweet and cuddly with me b/c he knows I’m having a down day, it only makes me cry even more…b/c I feel like a terrible mother for letting him see me in my bad state.
    I can’t wait to meet your kids one day. The Captain sounds like one in a million.

  7. MizCarla says:

    I so get this. When I wrote the post about mine trying to cheer my up when I was depressed I felt as though no one got my point.
    You say it so much more eloquently.
    And the Hedberg?! I miss him. Saw him live a bunch of times.

  8. I will eat this minus the mushrooms ;)

  9. Definitely going to pin this recipe! I love mushrooms and live pretty close to “mushroom country” in PA, so we usually have fresh ones readily available!

  10. Yo, I had no idea you had these disorders to deal with as you are always so FUNNY and SMART online. Loved the post and the weird segue into mushrooms. Read John Ratey’s book, Spark as it has an great chapter on the link between cardio and depression and another chapter on anxiety. I am purring for you Cat!

  11. I’m in the anti-mushroom boat with Amy, but pleased that I clicked over, regardless of the mushrooms gracing the page. Because this weekend, in your neck of the woods, I was at some silly bar full of silly joyful people and a killer outdoor beer garden-esque section, and there was a little girl who was wearing neon pink underoos and a purple tank top (GIRLS GONE WILD!!) who maybe just recently figured out how well she can walk, and was just experiencing the most joy from walking a little faster than her legs were ready to take her and, occasionally, tossing a blue ball at anyone who might toss it back.

    I don’t THINK she peed on any trees (but she was still there when I left), but I’m still itching to get that kind of pleasure from just about anything.

    Stay chipper, Cat. And less shrooms, ew.

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