We all have days where we pretty much feel like we suck at life. Having MDD (major depressive disorder) and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) I probably have more than the average person.
Yesterday started out as one of those days. I really had a “screw all and screw me” attitude about me, that’s for sure. The donuts, while delicious, really didn’t help. That’s not to say I didn’t have one…
Somehow, before I even know there is an issue in my brain that needs addressing, the Captain is on high alert. He just knows that something is off with Momma. He immediately goes into “I am crazy and am going to make Momma laugh and giggle if it turns me purple!” And it breaks my heart.
I absolutely don’t want him knowing that I am sad, however insane that sounds. I realize kids are damned perceptive creatures, and they are able to pick up on tiniest clues. That doesn’t mean I give in easily. I feign a bright attitude, smile broadly, make donuts. All the while, the Captain is asking me “Why are you so sad, Momma?” and leaning on my leg.
I don’t want him to feel the need to comfort me. I want him to only feel utter joy for life, however unrealistic that is. I don’t want him to have to comfort me, even if it works.
What does the child of an actor do to cheer up his Mom? He recites Mitch Hedberg jokes and makes his own “mitch” jokes.
“I have a king size bed, I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.”
and his own…
“There was a horse on the moon, and the farmer said “why are you on the moon? go back the farm with the jumping cow.”
And then I swelled with pride. He’ll be making Kardashian jokes in no time.
If you ask him what makes him happy, he’s blunt and honest with you. He doesn’t spew platitudes about laughter, and world peace, he just answers.
“I really like the Mickey Mouse Clubhose, the play park, and peeing on trees.”
is that all, buddy?
“No. I like stickers and noodles”
Does anything make you sad?
“time-outs, and when we leave the park”
He’s absolutely speaking true. He could dance and play at the park for hours. He loves watching Mitch with me on YouTube. He hates trying on clothes. (so do I) And a look of complete disappointment crosses his face when he runs out of soup in his bowl. (again, me too.)
I am trying desperately to grasp onto life like that. To grab it by its maw and suck the breath out of it. To take the out-of-order-escalator-made-temporarily-into-stairs to jump on top of my happiness. Every day he guzzles down life to the last drop. I am desperately searching for how I can do the same. Stupid darkness and depression be damned.
If I could only get my brain to comply.
Maybe a bit more Vitamin D…aka “the happy vitamin”. It’s called this because of its ability to combat depression. Vitamin D is found naturally in so few things. Fortunately, mushrooms are one of them. Vitamin D is a FAT soluble vitamin, so you MUST eat it WITH fat to absorb its goodness. I love using coconut oil, but with mushrooms it’s simply gross. I also wanted some added flavor, and a bit of saturated fat from a grass fed source, to amp up the yum factor without becoming unnecessarily unhealthy.
Mushroom Pancetta Bruschetta
Mushroom Pancetta Bruschetta
Keywords: appetizer side snack
- 10 oz white mushrooms, quartered
- 5 slices pancetta
- 2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
- 1 tbsp dijon mustard
- 1/2 tsp herbs de provence
- salt and pepper
- 10 leaves of basil, sliced into strips
- sliced baguette
fry the bacon in a pan and pull them out, leaving the fat in the pan. (it will be very little, as pancetta is sliced very thin)
toss in the mushrooms and saute until caramelized
add mustard, vinegar, salt, pepper, and herbs
cook on more minute
turn off heat, toss in basil
serve over pancetta and bread