You’ll have to pardon me whilst I try to find the effort to move. After taking 2 fitness classes yesterday, both weights-heavy, I’m finding even the most minute of movements quite difficult. Let me warn you of something, if one of your closest friends is a pretty-boy European former fitness trainer, don’t work out with him. You’ll be praying for a warrior’s death and Viking funeral; as your muscles will already be on fire, you may as well complete the immolation. Also, I’d like one of those groovy helmets with the horns. They could hold donuts; or bagels, or hot pretzels…basically, they’re built for carbohydrate transportation.
Speaking of carbohydrates, yesterday, I was shopping for something I am certain most of us (save for the followers of the caveman diet) shop for weekly; bread. It should be a fairly straight forward, simple task, right? Wrong. I had the darndest time finding a bread without high fructose corn syrup, or a shitton of ingredients I couldn’t possibly pronounce.
It was mostly frankenbread. Truly. Even the “whole wheat-buy-me-because-I-have-added-fiber-vitamins-eye-of-newt” bread. The second ingredient in the fancy eye of newt whole grain bread was HFCS. I wonder how much of that HFCS is non-GMO??? (genetically modified), let me scratch my head on this one……I’m guessing it’s all bloody Monsanto corn, and their frankencrops. I mean, Lucifer’s bouncing balls!!! Is it quite impossible to find a bread that’s NATURAL?!?!? Not until I got to mother loving, Trader Friggen Joe’s and was brought to my beloved Ezekiel bread. It’s the same damned thing with cereal; virtually all of it is so stuffed full of fake crap, that it’s unrecognizable as foodstuffs. It has more fake crap in it than a washed up “High School Musical” actor. I’m not going to lie, I do love me some Cocoa Pebbles, but I am not growing my children on chemicals. For that matter, I don’t want to grow MY waistline or propensity toward disease, by sucking down genetically modified frankenfoods.
I am growing my kids on what’s truly important; real, healthy foods, and sarcasm. It’s the diet of champions. I was raised with one of these in abundance, and I became a fat smart-ass. I am hoping to save my children from one of these fates. I think we can all tell which.
If you really think that these fakenfrankenfoods aren’t helping make us gross, fat, diseased, and probably dumb, (this guy must live on stupid juice made with cocaine, nitrous oxide, and GMO soy milk) please watch “Forks over Knives”. If you have Amazon Prime, it’s available to stream for free. It’s on Netflix, too. It really plainly describes what we’re doing to ourselves, our PLANET, and our kids. It’s criminal, really.
In the name of keeping the legitimately stupid at bay, and growing healthy smart-asses, I made homemade rolls. From scratch. It’s not that hard if you have a mixer. If you don’t have a mixer, or the biceps of an ice cream scooper, maybe consider buying some Exekiel bread.
These rolls are absurd. So good. Yeasty, eggy, sweet, salty, chocolatey. Yes, chocolatey.
Whole Wheat Olive Oil Dark Chocolate Challah or Whole Wheat Olive Oil Challah if you abandon the chips.
Whole Wheat Olive Oil Dark Chocolate Challah
Keywords: bake bread
Ingredients (48 rolls or 3 large loaves)
- 1 packet of highly active dry yeast
- 2 1/3 cup water 105-110F
- 1/2 cup honey
- 1/4 cup olive oil
- 3 eggs for the dough + 1 egg for egg wash
- 1 cup chocolate chips
- 1 tbsp salt
- 8 cups whole wheat flour or 4 cups whole wheat and 4 cups AP flour
dissolve yeast in water in large mixer bowl with 1 tbsp of the honey
wait 10 minutes, when it “blooms” (floats to top and flowers) add in eggs, oil, and honey and beat with dough hook for 2 minutes
add in salt and beat 30 more seconds on low
add in flour, one cup at a time, rotating with the chocolate chips until combined, and dough slaps the sides of bowl, if it is still sticky, add a bit more flour, until stretchy and fine. (about 5 minutes)
turn into a large, greased bowl and let rise for one hour, punch dough down and either portion into 2 oz rolls with a very sharp knife or dough cutter, or form into three, equally sized loaves. let rise again for one hour
brush the tops with the extra, beaten egg
bake at 400F for 15 minutes for rolls, 45 minutes for the loaves
if you want to freeze some of the dough, do it after the first rise in a very well secured ziploc bag