Portable Bitch Slapper

Why no one will hire me for product development…

Top 10

1. Pilgrim on a shelf- It’s like “Elf on a Shelf” for everyone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, common themes such as hunger, pestilence, and land thievery abound. They also push the Native American from the shelf and stick them in the tiniest closet in the house. The doll will be just as creepy, and a meal will be served.
2. Donald Trump chia pet. Mostly because I want to see if the chia hair looks more realistic on his gigantic head.
3. portable bitch slapper. It’s the opposite of a whipping boy. Someone who bitch slaps everyone you encounter who requires the aforementioned bitch slap, and averts the punishment for you.
4. discreet spray deodorant/cologne that you can just spray at and around stinky people. it may come out of the hole in a purse, or jacket pocket. It smells like lavender….and victory.
5. Presidential mute button. President or Nominee, either way, your television will automatically mute their campaign commercials…and perhaps draw funny faces on them.
6. a feature on cell phone cameras that prevents girls/young women from taking the slightly from above, look at my cleavage, trout pout, desperate search for attention picture, and also prohibits them from being posted to social media.
7. Laser cats. Just because.
8. Narwhal Ring-toss. Because unicorns are overdone.
9. Unicorn Ring-toss, because I was wrong about my previous statement about unicorns.
10. Richard Simmons fitness wear line, the world doesn’t have enough fabulous in it.

I realize that you are now aware that my level of awesome and staggering creativity know NO bounds. It may be more likely that I am absurdly sleep deprived, and this all makes sense in my brain. Then again, I think I was singing karaoke with Justin Timberlake in the shower this morning, which seems unlikely, and may point to some level of insanity….Seriously, do you think I’d let Justin Timberlake see me shave my legs? I’d not let Lord Voldemort see me shave my legs. (He’d not be able to appreciate my lavender and victory scented shaving cream, and I’d be offended.)

Rambling over. Time for a recipe.

I like vegetables. They’re my favorite. Much like smiling, red wine, and VENGEANCE.

This is why I made ratatouille, it goes well with red wine, makes me smile, and like vengeance, I think it is best served cold.

Most ratatouille falls into one of two categories, really mushy or quite crisp…mine is somewhere in between. I like my eggplant well done, but not babaganoush. I also don’t put onions in my ratatouille, I feel like it overpowers the delicate herbs, and natural flavor of the eggplant. With eggplant in such bounty right now, why overpower it? Embrace it. Love it. Eat it.

Ratatouille.