A Very Patriotic “Dance Moms”

It’s the OLYMPICS!!! Pomp! Circumstance! Straight men in tiny bathing suits! An entire legion of parents who forced their children to eat, sleep, and breathe tumbling! It’s like a very patriotic episode of “Dance Moms”. They didn’t nurse with breastmilk as babies, the nursed with AWESOMESAUCE.

The Olympics always seems so far removed from real life. Most of us can never imagine reaching such terrific heights of athletic achievement. It’s simply not in our DNA. We aren’t all meant to swim like some sort of freakish merman, gliding through the water as if we’ve recently been shot out of a cannon or hit with King Neptune’s trident. I mean, I’d like to see a real merman, but Michael Phelps will have to do.

I don’t know what I’d even do with a gold medal. It’s a bit showy, no? Let alone wearing 8 at a time. That’s just showing off. Ok, who am I kidding, I’d be wearing those bitches everywhere. When I gave my name at Starbucks for my order I’d tell them “the gold medalist”, and I’d be fairly confident there’d be fewer of those in the Bux than “Cats”.

I’m never going to be a gold medalist. I may still get shot with Neptune’s trident, but I doubt it. I don’t run into many mythological creatures off of the Long Island coast, unless you count the mythological less-annoying teenager.

I am going to have to celebrate MY victories; no matter how small. For instance, this morning, I had muffins about for the kids, and I chose to eat flax oats. Was it a delicious whole wheat and chocolate chip muffin? No. Not even close, but it had about 200 fewer calories, and was mighty filling! I also slept last night, to me, that is a HUGE victory. I took an ambien at NINE PM, and although I took it before my shower, and I am not certain if I shaved both legs or washed my hair, and I might have talked to the towel rack, I slept like the dead….until a small person woke me up at 3 am….but I fell BACK to sleep.

I am so much NICER when I sleep. I graze less. I have more energy. I can actually plan world domination, instead of just waxing poetic about it.

When we take our eyes off of the big picture for a few moments, we are more apt to see the awesome, smaller victories in our everyday lives. Do my arms look like Jessica Alba’s? No, but I can lift a hell of a lot more this month than last month. Is my muffin top completely gone? No, but it’s a LOT smaller.

With your kids, you celebrate each small milestone. Sitting leads to crawling, crawling leads to standing, standing to cruising, cruising to walking, and so on… Why on G-d’s green earth don’t we do that for ourselves? Learning healthy recipes leads to better eating, better eating leads to better parameters, better parameters leads to better control, better control leads to a healthier body. Give and take. It’s not about being on your diet and cheating, it’s about figuring out how and when to TREAT yourself, and knowing when to stop. If I didn’t treat myself a few times a week, in small amounts, I’d NEVER EVER stay on track. My meals are healthy, my lifestyle is healthy. I walk, run, and lift weights, I’ve even started doing yoga for the love of pigeons (poses). I know I need small desserts here and there, and that I need to fit them into my daily calorie allotment, never veering off course, just making room for a trailer.

Speaking of, yesterday was national hot fudge sundae day!! I celebrated in style!!! Tuesday was National Tequila Day, and I didn’t find out until the afternoon!! LAME.

Most hot fudge is made of high fructose corn syrup, artificial flavoring, and a myriad of other crap. YES, mine has refined sugar in it, but no HFCS and NO artificial color and flavor. The same goes with my salted caramel. Yes to sugar, no to HFCS and “caramel coloring”. My caramel is the color of caramel from caramelization.

Also? a lesson in pronunciation. It’s pronounced “care uh mel”, not “car-mel”. Where I grew up, they say “car-mel” and it drives me up a wall. THERE IS AN A IN THE CENTER, IT’S NOT SILENT. Ok, now that’s out of the way…

Homemade hot fudge and caramel sauce.

I didn’t eat this whole thing, I’d have been so sick, I’d have prayed for death.