Mr Belding Pole Dances.

As it turns out, in spite of my obvious inner sex demon, (or lack thereof) I am not built to be an exotic dancer.

I had high hopes.

I took my water bottle, my gaysian, and my best inner post-“Saved By The Bell”-Jesse Spano to cardio striptease class. Personally, I wanted to take the Silver Sneakers class and get the lowdown on how Esther always seems to ensnare all the most recent widowers, but Will decided this was a better use of our time. Pshhh. ENSNARING WIDOWERS IS A SKILL I’LL NEED IN THE FUTURE.

Go Bayside!

We got into this class to see that the same MALE instructor that teaches the MMA class, teaches cardio striptease. I was floored. Will…was not. In fact, his exact words were, “I could just tell he wanted to pin me to the mat.” I tried to argue that teaching cardio striptease does not a gay make, and then I shut my mouth, he was wearing sparkly shorts. The proof is in the sequins.

Apparently years of MMA training, and a stint in the Corps, makes you GREAT at working the stripper pole. Whereas, tap classes, two kids, a jenky equilibrium, and a healthy fear of what STDs that pole might transmit through my capris and spanx; makes you terrible at it.

I was about as sexy as John Boehner, in a thong, crying on the beach. I had fun, though, and Will? Nailed it. It makes me even less curious about what he already overshares with me. He turned upside-down on the pole. UPSIDE DOWN. I about broke my knee cap and lady garden just trying to spin around the friggen thing. I got caught up like a damned playground tetherball. Maybe I should do more zumba and yoga, and try to limber up a bit; or maybe I’ll just stick to what works to turn the cop on…I’ll  bake something naked. Though, I think I figured out how Esther bags her widowers.

Speaking of baking something…IT’S NOT ONLY TRY SOMETHING NEW TUESDAY!! It’s What I Ate Wednesday!! (Thanks, sister wife!!) I forgot to take a picture of my breakfast. I’ll tell you, though. It was a protein smoothie. I am working on my muscle definition, and eating a lot more protein.

sweet potato nachos, yogurt (I never eat the dip..I don’t really like that yogurt, but that’s what the bodega sells) spinach salad with almonds and feta, egg and egg white with kale and goat cheese omelet, and more fruit.

The real winner of yesterday was my perfectly crispy sweet potato nachos.

Sweet Potato Chips

After what seems like EONS, I figured out how to make the perfect, crispy, sweet potato oven chip. COCONUT OIL.

What you have to do is slice the chips extra thin, preheat the oven to 425F, and BRUSH THE OIL ONTO THE COOKIE SHEET. Season your chips however you please, place them seasoned side down, bake 7 minutes, flip, and bake seven more minutes. PERFECT. I like to top them with goat cheese and cilantro.

19 thoughts on “Mr Belding Pole Dances.

  1. Hahaha funny story. And ya pole-dancing professionally takes SERIOUS strength. I've never tried it, though. I'd probably be more like you and less like Will. Sweet potato nachos is brilliant. Must make. Just wrote down your instructions. Thanks!
  2. OMG you make me laugh out loud and I'm standing on the platform at Atlantic/Pacific so the cops are looking at me like I'm a freak. Thanks for that. I actually just bought some coconut oil yesterday and have been wondering what the hell I'm going to do with it. Now I know.
  3. OK - the pics stopped me in my tracks! ;-) YIKES! So funny! Now on to that recipe trick - LOVE! I need now! I just did an Instagram pic of my sweet potato & I could have had these! :-O ... :-)

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