Three Pounds of Coffee+99 Problems

Being a mom, at some point you start to hear the theme song to “Sesame Street” in your sleep. I remember when I used to go to bed and the only song running through my head was the siren’s song of my pillow. It seems as though when I go to lie down now, I replay every action of my day until I’ve worked myself into such a frenzy that there’s no way I could fall asleep even if I wanted to.

Insomnia does terrible things to my diet. It’s as though it strips away my self control faster than reality television strips away the already fragile dignity of its participants. Three more sleepless nights and I may be looking for love on “The Bachelorette”, which would be odd as I am married and straight. Seeing as how I thought that ordering pizza instead of sushi was a good idea last night, simply based on the fact that it would get to me quicker, is proof enough I’m not thinking clearly. I mean, I friggen love sushi, AND the Captain prefers sushi to most other foods. Seriously, that 4 year old can polish off a miso soup, 2 maki rolls, and steamed edamame all on his own. It’s impressive.

My workouts are suffering as well. I notice when I run, the pep is most definitely out of my step. BodyPump class drags like RuPaul, and I start making jokes about reality tv, and drag queens with their own reality shows. IT’S A VICIOUS CYCLE, PEOPLE!!

The disquiet of my mind at night is unsettling. I am used to a certain amount of disquiet, I am an actor, we generally roll the character we’re currently working on around and around in our brain until we can settle it just so. It’s not like an extra-personality, as it is an acceptance of how we’re going to draw on our own experiences to portray that character. I’ve heard of some actors who remain in character all day and night, but I think they’re the ones that end up in rehab or a David Lynch movie.

This disquiet is loud and clanging. “Was I a good Mom today?” “I really need to work with the captain on his sight words” “what should I make the kids for breakfast?” “Why in the hell does Elmo always ask a baby?? What the hell do they know?” “I should take the kids to the museum” “can people tell I’m half asleep by reading my blog?” “probably. I forgot several commas and a semi-colon yesterday–semicolons are going to be my demise.” “Will yoga help?” “can you get a time-out for talking in yoga class? Because my shut up button seems to be faulty.” “I mean, how in the hell am I supposed to be quiet in yoga class if I can’t even quiet my constantly running inner dialogue?” “If I take an ambien, is that the equivalent of giving myself a time-out?”

I am damn near the point where I will risk eating butter in my Ambien induced sleep, as long as it lets me sleep, and perhaps softens my skin. (butter is the new Eucerin) Right now, I’m averaging 3 hours a night. THREE F*CKING HOURS. I thrive on 8+. If you are near me, know I am normally NOT a raging succubus willing to hurl chia pudding at anyone who looks at me cross-eyed. (you do NOT want an eye-full of chia pudding.)

The morass of this inomnia is driving me downward into a hole I wish not go. The only way I can see preventing this is to drink 11 pots of coffee per day until Saturday and then try to sleep My chances are dubious at best. Being a cop during 9-11 and its aftermath has allowed my husband to go many, many days on very little sleep without much consequence. I turn into this..

To keep my Baby Jane moments at bay, coffee, and a good breakfast are key.

I also needed a really lame segue to my recipe. Protein-berry mug cake. Made with fresh blackberries and Optimum Nutrition performance whey vanilla protein powder, it’s gluten free, super healthy, and soooo good. Word to the wise, use a bigger mason jar or mug than I did; the berries make it overflow and it will make your microwave mad at you.


Protein Berry Mug Cake

by Cat Tan

Prep Time: 2 minutes

Cook Time: 2 minutes

Ingredients (1 mug or mason jar)

  • 1/4 cup vanilla protein powder
  • 1 tbsp plain or vanilla greek yogurt (I use chobani 0%)
  • 2 tsp coconut oil
  • 1 tsp maple syrup
  • 3 tbsp egg white
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1 tsp almond extract
  • 5-10 blackberries


combine yogurt, coconut oil, extracts, and egg white together in a mug

in a small bowl combine berries and maple syrup

add baking powder and protein powder to mug with egg mixture and stir

stir berries into protein powder in the mug

microwave approximately 2 minutes


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17 thoughts on “Three Pounds of Coffee+99 Problems

  1. Girl, you need to get more sleep. ASAP. I don't know how you are functioning at all with just 3 hours. PS. I do the same thing sometimes when we order out. My hunger often takes over and I'll order whatever is fastest (which is prob why we've had pizza way too many times in the last month or so).
  2. This recipe sounds delish, I am a starter at clean eating and this is going in my folder! Sorry to hear about your insomnia, I know this idea sounds a little out there but some friends who had babies who wouldn't sleep tried cranial osteopathy with a lot of success, whilst I know you are not a baby(!) if you are ready to try any route it might be worth a try?

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