Taking Barbiturates to Survive the Arena

Currently, I am the worst wife ever. I was supposed to pre-order the ipad for the cop, and I was unable to get through to Apple.com for a few days, so I gave up. Apparently, my poor, poor husband won’t be getting his ipad (and I won’t be getting mine) until April. I guess I’ll just have to do what I have always done, play with my smaller version that also makes calls. Really, it’s tragic. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes, or not; more than likely, it’s just my allergies.

It’s not like they came out with “Hunger Games 4-Katniss kicks ass in her 30s” and I missed the release date. THAT would be truly upsetting. The tears would flow. I would run a marathon to be able to listen to that book in one stretch.

He was less than pleased with the news his toy won’t be delivered until next month. He had a bit of a whine fest. I am sure he thought about finding a new, more diligent wife. I am sure I gave some sort of snarky response and threatened to stop making dinner. Works.every.time.

It would never happen, though. Making dinner most every night allows me to control exactly what goes in my food. I am in control of how much fat, salt, sugar, etc. is fed to my family. Less pink slime, more unicorn meat. 

It also allows me to make delicious foods for parties. Foods that don’t make you feel like a Klump or Kate Moss. It can even make me feel like Betty Draper, only slightly less batshit crazy. Slightly. Quick, someone bring me curlers, heels, and a fistful of barbiturates.

Do you know that Mad Men comes back on the 25th of March?!?!? Do you know I could DIE OF AWESOME RIGHT NOW? 18 months is entirely too long to go without Jon Hamm. If I ever had the fortune of acting with him, I think I would just follow him around and stare at him all day. That’s not creepy, right? I am sure he’s used to it.

From now until next weekend, it’s going to be difficult to get me to talk about anything other than the “Hunger Games” and “Mad Men” premieres. In their honor, the next two weeks will be filled with recipes with a nod to either of my obsessions.

The first recipe is a hybrid of both. The 1960s was the first time the US really saw the mass appeal of soft pretzels. Boiled in LYE (scary) and served most often with mustard or cheese dip, they swept the nation. The hit of many restaurants and gin filled parties, these doughy creations are still very popular today.

Shaped bread was also the first gift given to Katniss in the arena. Given by district 11, the crescent shaped bread beat off some of Katniss’ hunger. Breads in all shapes were the staple of the very poor, agricultural, district 11.

Homemade Whole Wheat Beer Boiled Pretzels.

I followed THIS recipe by Alton Brown. It’s perfect. The only thing I did for it was substitute whole wheat flour, and the real kicker is that I used flat beer instead of water to boil it in. It’s ten cups of beer, so don’t use your expensive craft beer.  That would increase your hipster quotient from average, Brooklyn hipster, to Portland, OR, i-make-my-own-beer-and-charcuterie hipster. It’s a fine line, and one of them has a bird on it. (you are SO lost today if we don’t watch the same tv shows, do yourself a favor and watch “Portlandia”)

So put on your prettiest pink dress, grab your bow and arrow, take a crap ton of uppers, and head into the arena. You’ll have a full belly, and speed rage to drive you.

Are you excited about the “Hunger Games” or “Mad Men”? 

(I may already have tickets to see Katniss kick ass)

How long do you think you’d survive in the Arena?

a very, very short time. I am a GREAT shot, and a fast runner, but my fear of bugs would get the better of me. Friggen tracker jackers.

14 thoughts on “Taking Barbiturates to Survive the Arena

  1. Last night, I started re-reading The Hunger Games. And then, as per, I dreamt even more effed up versions of the book (and, I imagine, the movie). In the dream, I was the Katniss-esque lead (duh) and could be found actively slitting throats. I am not fast, and I've never shot anything, but I still just feel like something ruthless would awaken inside of me. And I don't really mind bugs out in the open. Maybe one of my sponsors could get me some Deet.
  2. Well I know nothing of Katniss or the arena - but I think I should be reading these books since both my mommy and my lil bro have both read all three already. I am however - beside myself that my future husband (yes, always marry for money the second time, AND LOOKS) is going to be back on television SO VERY SOON. If you ever do meet and/or act with him, hook me up, k?
  3. Sooooo....I live in Portland, make my own beer & charcuterie, but would never call myself a hipster. I'm really more of a carnivorous hippie. (I have, however, received two onesies with birds on them. I love this town.)

talk foodie to me...