Making Awkward to the Camera

Today is my son’s birthday. The Captain is now 4 years old. I feel no older, but hey, I guess I am. He has grown into such a wonderful boy, and a great big brother. He is the most active, happiest, silliest, funniest kid out there. I am truly blessed. He is also still asleep. Play hard, sleep hard. I can’t wait for him to wake up. Birthday waffles, his present, confetti, and candles await him!!

All day yesterday, he kept shouting “I’m going to be four tomorrow, Mama!! I’m not going to be little anymore!!” I kept telling him he’d still be my little guy, more for my comfort than his.

Yesterday we went to the mall to get some new shoes and hit up GNC, and he told no less than 6 people his birthday was tomorrow. Red Mango? Blackberries for his birthday. H&M? Tee shirts for his birthday. GNC? Gummy vitamins for his birthday. At least he’s going for healthy! He is like me in that he likes a little Red Mango frozen yogurt with his blackberries and strawberries. The ratio should be 2:1. He’s also a MAH-JOR fan of taking his vitamins, he sees the Cop and I take ours, so he HAS to take his. I won’t lie to you, those gummy vitamins taste like gummy bears. Why in the hell would anyone complain??

Today is also headshot day. A most dreaded day for actors. Well,… at least me. I will act in front of a camera, or on stage, or through a microphone; no problem. Ask me to smile pretty or look sexy for ONE CAMERA?!? I don’t so much as “make love” to the camera, as much as I “make awkward” to the camera. You know the face you get when you walk into a room and something just doesn’t smell quite right? I am pretty sure that’s how I look.

This winter, if everything continues to go well, I will have a major premiere to go to. This premiere will have a crapton of photographers and I’ll have to pose. The pose I’ve got; the face? Not so much. I need to take lessons from Stephanie. That woman gives GOOD.FACE. I give good hugs. I give good presents too, why can’t they take pictures of that!!???

Prepping for my shoot, I headed to my favorite places; Forever XXI, H&M, Zara, and Bloomingdales. I could live at these stores. I light up like a man who lives in his mom’s basement at a Dungeons and Dragons dice store. Strangely enough, so do most kids. Even if a kid is SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER, as soon as they’re brought into Forever XXII, their senses are so overloaded with the bi-polar visual clusterf*ck of the bright colors against the bright whites and silvers of the store, they fall silent.

Do you think there is an equivalent that could replicate this reaction for Dr Phil or Dr Drew? I think it would have to be a hoarder’s home that was full of nothing but needles, dead cats, pictures of clocks, and Dimetapp. Who am I kidding? We’d have to duck tape their mouths shut first.

Armed with new clothes, bleached teeth, and sheer determination, I will get through this.

But first? birthday waffles.

Peanut Butter Cream Cheese Waffles. In honor of Peanut Butter Lovers Coming Out of the Closet Month!