There Just Aren’t Enough Unicorn Recipes.

I had a seriously insane kitchen failure last night. I was trying to roll up ground beef, cheese, and caramelized onions in biscuit dough, it didn’t work out. It was a giant, hot mess. I patched it up as best I could, baked it, cut it, and……. couldn’t have tasted more blah. It was one of those instances where 97% lean ground beef and low fat cheese tasted just that; low-fat and low-flavor. It was fine once I added butter, garlic, more cheese, ketchup, and mustard, but by then I was over it. I ate cereal.

Anytime I have a meal fail, I almost always have cereal. Uncle Sam’s for the win. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself so I took a history book and went to lie in bed. Nothing says “don’t feel bad for yourself, you selfish douchespool” like reading about the history of the Iroquois Nation. Yup, they win. I also read a little about Thomas Jefferson, and I still just don’t get him. I know this is NOT a historical blog, but hold steady for a minute, and we’ll get back to snarky celebrity references and food porn. Ok, so Jefferson wrote sweeping visions for our country to be a land free of slaves and full of personal freedom. He owned a crapton of slaves. He didn’t even free them when he died, although he had so much debt, I don’t know if he could. I think a history prof told me you couldn’t free them if you died with outstanding debt. Still. What a hypocrite.

Also, the wig was bad. Like, Britney Spears 2009 collection bad. Have you guys seen the pin on pinterest that is a picture of bald brit brit, and it says “if Britney Spears can survive 2009, you can survive anything?” I wonder if Britney is on Pinterest. I’ll have to scour the boards for someone who only posts denim tuxedos, candy, and frappucinos.

Speaking of Pinterest, I have seen a lot of baked oatmeal recipes on people’s boards, and not a one of them is remotely healthy. They are full of heavy cream and butter and a pound of sugar, pork fat, your firstborn child, ground unicorn meat. I mean, I’ve never seen ground unicorn meat at Costco, have you?

Don’t worry. I made a healthy version. IN THE CROCK POT, YO!! WORK WEEK BREAKFAST WHAT?!?!

Healthy Crock Pot Baked Oatmeal

These oats taste just like an almond joy for breakfast. It’s just way healthier and way more filling. I used Quaker rolled oats, Silk vanilla coconut milk, and ghiradelli dark chocolate chips.

How do you like your oatmeal?

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. mounds or almond joy?

How often do you use your slow cooker?

healthy crock pot baked oatmeal aka “almond joy” oats.

by Cat Tan

Prep Time: 5 minutes

Cook Time: overnight

Keywords: slow-cooker breakfast vegetarian gluten-free kosher oats


Ingredients (6-9 servings)

  • 3 cups rolled oats
  • 4 cups water
  • 2 cups coconut milk (vanilla)
  • 1/2 cup dark chocolate chips
  • 1/2 cup unsweetened coconut flake
  • 1 tsp almond extract
  • 1 tsp coconut extract
  • 2 TBSP brown sugar (optional)
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 4 egg whites

for the topping

  • toasted coconut
  • coconut milk or chocolate almond milk


combine all of the ingredients for the oatmeal and mix well.

pour into crock pot

set to medium

cook overnight

top with chosen toppings.

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