My Mom Wants To Cut Off My Toe.

While writing this post, I found myself saying “this little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had roast beef, and this little piggy had none, and this little piggy went “wee weee weee” all the way home”. After reciting it again for the 93854 time in my life, I said to myself “HOLD THE FRICKEN PHONE!!!! This little piggy went to market?!?!?! That little piggy is going to be a suckling pig for some hipster joint where they give you the whole damn pig on your table, head and all!!!” And the one eating roast beef? HE’S EATING HIS FRIEND?!?! I’M SORRY, BUT UNLESS YOU’RE A PLANE CRASH VICTIM ON THE SIDE OF A SNOWY MOUNTAIN, THS IS NOT OKAY!!! Then I came to my real, and most terrifying realization, my mom wanted to chop off my big toe. That was the little piggy going to market, was it not? It’s always the middle child who has to lose an appendage. I think she secretly wanted my feet to be smaller so I could win that pageant she always dreamed I’d win.

I like the version I use with the Captain better.

“This little piggy took the J train, and this little piggy took the C, this little piggy took the A train, and this little piggy took the D, and this little piggy went “WEEE WEEE WEEE” all the way home in a cab.” It rhymes and no one gets whacked.

Unfortunately, I was listening to some Avett Brothers and Architecture in Helsinki, and my self-loathing inner hipster won, and this little piggy did go to market. But it was at Niman Ranch, and I am pretty sure that pig was massaged, given a whole bunch of virgin pig penmates, fed expensive pig beer, and listened to some new age music before being led to slaughter. All in the name of lean, delicious, ribs.

There is one pig, I NEVER want to go to market, with little gems like this…


But really, the superbowl often means ribs. Babyback or spare, they can be really fatty and gross. If you go TO your butcher, and ask for extra lean spareribs, they can be a delicious, lean, superbowl food packed with flavor, and a real crowd pleaser.

Spicy Cider Beer Ribs
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What Goes In?

  • 2 lbs extra lean spareribs
  • -for the marinade
  • 2 cups apple cider
  • 1 cup beer
  • 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
  • 1/2 tsp onion powder
  • 1/2 tsp garlic powder
  • 1 T smoked paprika
  • 1 T Worcestershire sauce
  • salt and pepper
  • -for the glaze
  • 2 cups apple cider
  • 1 cup beer
  • 2 T franks red hot
  • 2 T ketchup
  • 2 T molasses
  • 1 tsp or less cayenne pepper
  • 1/2 tsp sea salt
  • 10 cracks black pepper

Avengers, Assemble!

  1. combine the marinade ingredients and put the ribs in the marinde in a pan, submerged
  2. marinate overnight
  3. place in a cold oven and turn to 350F (with the marinade-don't worry, you're cooking the hell out of it.)
  4. bake for 30-45 minutes or until internal temperature registers 145 degrees glazing every 15 minutes.
  5. for the glaze
  6. add all the ingredients in a saucepan,
  7. bring to boil on high
  8. kick back to medium
  9. reduce by half

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