Caviar is a Choking Hazard

Back to work. Back to routine. It’s lovely. Right now, I have a sleeping baby on my chest, a boy plying with his imaginary dinosaur friend named, “Freckle”, and the “Today” show on.

This may be TMI, but I am not drinking coffee this morning, instead opting for fenugreek tea and skim milk with ovaltine. “Why”, you ask? Because being at the hospital, stressed out and not eating right, has messed with my milk production. I have had so much fenugreek tea and supplements, I smell like the after party of a Greek wedding where someone spilled the Ouzo.

20120109-091344.jpg That, my friends, is a red cabbage and fennel salad, only adding to my aroma.

Malt and barley is also considered a galactagogue or “milk enhancer”, so last night I had an Amstel light chased with ovaltine. I don’t imagine it to be very different from what Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb drink on the regular. To be fair, do you blame Hoda!? Wouldn’t sitting with Kathie Lee every morning drive you to drink? It might also drive me to homicide.

I never used to believe in herbs and supplements. I was sure they were all hooey. That was until I tried to get preggers the first time. After a year of nothing, failed IVF, IUI, and more tests than high school; my grandmother in law sent me to a Chinese apothecary who stabbed me in the face with needles, fed me a tea that I can only assume by its odor was made of tree bark and dog shit; and gave me a very odd diet to follow. Two months later? The Captain was conceived. Two years later? Nothing’s working, nothing’s working, back to tree bark and dog shit tea, and BOOM, there’s the peanut!

Do you think Beyonce will breastfeed? I’m thinking she might just pay Robert De Niro to follow her around wearing the fake boobs from “Meet the Fockers” , filled with formula dotted with 24 carat gold flakes and caviar. I hope she knows salmon roe is a choking hazard.

That pampered celeb rented out an entire floor of Lenox Hill to have her baby. Sorry, all of the moms that AREN’T Beyonce, you just don’t deserve your own room. I can’t decide with whom to be more irritated, the hospital for allowing it, Beyonce and Jay-Z for their ridiculous entitlement, or for us as the public that enables this bullshit.


I only got a private room with these two because of my ability to bleed. Turns out, if you can nearly bleed to death? They give you your OWN ROOM.

So tonight is going to be a barley and fennel salad, served with a beer, chased by a GNC lean shake I’ve turned into a lean malt. The strange thing? It’s gonna be delicious. For really. I promise.

Good thing it’s fennel and beer season.


6 thoughts on “Caviar is a Choking Hazard

  1. great googly moogly sister I LOVE the way you write. now I must see your fantasticnessment on the stage. Im grateful things are returning to normal in your neck of the net. here's to BORING :)

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