Don’t Shoot Off Your Own Ween.

Dear Me, yesterday stunk. Lo siento for lack of afternoon or evening post. The cop and I switched back to cable because we kept losing DirectTv reception and they almost doubled our bill for less channels, so we ended up saving a crap ton of money going with Cablevision. Installation took forever. Yay. I missed my beloved bodypump, ate a crappy hamburger, and moped. I DID manage to score a convertible booster seat for the peanut for FIFTY PERCENT off because my Babies R Us isn’t going to carry it anymore!!! Apparently, SW Brooklyn isn’t fancy enough for the $300 price tag! (I didn’t pay that!) All of the sudden, it was like Christmas!!!!

I was cheerful enough to come home and make cupcakes with the Captain. By the way, making cupcakes with a three year old means that every few minutes he runs over to stir and take a lick of batter. He convinced me to buy funfetti cupcake mix and frosting. You know what? Really not awful. Not super fab, but not awful.

What? You didn’t know pumpkins grew on trees?

Anyways, my DVR is all screwy now, I can’t rewind regular television yet, and I am all around crabby. Doesn’t Optimum know that if I can’t watch Hoda hate her life with Kathie Lee I WILL SURELY DIE?!??!? I am seriously waiting for Hoda to just bitch-slap her one day. It’s going to be amazing and I am going to see it.

Speaking of bitch slap, was anyone else watching the GOP debate last night? Who else thought that Mittens was going to take the gloves off and just go to town on Gov Perry? I was really disappointed when I didn’t see blood. Something of substance has got to happen eventually.

Back to me and my problems. Elijah has decided to take up foam sword fencing as an alternative form of exercise. It also may be possible that he just likes playing with his foam sword. Either way, when the revolution comes, he’ll be ready.

He needed a Buzz Lightyear gun as well.

When you don’t have a holster, apparently you use your underpants. Pretty sure that’s how Plaxico almost became Plaxiquette. That is why we need tighter gun regulations, people. So that people don’t accidentally shoot off their own weens. (Although, it would stop them from breeding, so hmmmm…) He also dragged his sister into this.

Stand back, people.

One GREAT thing about having cable again is EXERCISE TV ON DEMAND!! Oh hex yeah. Did I miss bodypump? Yes. Is the sky leaking? Yes. No problem! There is a high intensity bootcamp just begging to be played. I am sure that Elijah will keep right up. Or he’ll just laugh at me-it remains to be seen.

I am obviously a sick individual, so I have often wondered what REAL Marine Corps boot camp would be like. I can’t be the only one who thinks this way. I think that could be a great way to build revenue for our troops! Let dumb ace’s like me do a week of basic in exchange for cash money and also comedy for our troops. No, I wouldn’t be performing, just trying would be good enough for them to laugh their boots off. Please, give me the biggest, gayest, drill instructor you have. No one can make you feel fat and inspired like a gay man. Put that man in a place of authority with a uniform and gun, and I’d be sweating like a 40 year old woman sitting next to Jon Bon Jovi in a movie theatre. Yes, he did just accidentally elbow your boob.

Now for bootcamp for wusses. What would be Semper Fi for moms? Semper Wi(pe)? No Semper Whi(ne)? Either way. That.

4 comments on “Don’t Shoot Off Your Own Ween.

  1. The underwear holster just made me lol on the plane. My seatmate just looked at me weird. I hope cablevision doesn’t start screwing you over after the 1 year mark like us. I hate them so much they’re what drove me to cancel cable. Now they won’t stop calling, knocking on my door (seriously-that happened), and emailing about getting me back. Maybe if you treated your customers well when you HAD them you wouldn’t have to beg! It’s like an abusive relationship on many levels.

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